Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Let's Try This Again

I'm completely freaked out about writing. I thought I would try to be a little more open about who I am, to help with the whole vulnerable thing, and it's back fired. I wrote a post, published it, thought about it, freaked out, and took it down. I was close to taking down the whole blog. I wanted to give up.

I'm not though, I'm going to keep truckin' along because I know this is good for me.

So here's what's going to happen...

I'm going to tell you what I took down. I'm going to freak out again. And then, we will move on to more pleasant things, like how he wants me to put the glass plug, that feels like Mt. Everest, in every night. 

Sound like a good plan? 

Okay, here you go...

My Great-Grandpa, on my Dad's side, was a preacher. I never got to see him preach because he retired before I was born, though I can remember hearing his prayers before we ate holiday dinners. He was a strong, loving man. I remember him building a small two-story play house in his back yard at 80-something with Parkinson's.

His and my Great-Grandma's kids are widely different, though they all put great care into appearances and titles. I imagine being a preachers child would do that to you--the pressure must have been great.

Even though I learned early on that one's worth isn't dependent on appearances and titles, other parts passed down to me. I do care how I look (probably have a bit of vain in me)--my skin is important to me and I fear wrinkles like no other, which isn't a necessarily bad thing (until I get wrinkles!). I also learned to keep problems to myself. You see, my family is a godly family that doesn't have problems... or so they like to let on. They tend to cover up and ignore issues. I was well over sixteen before I told my Grandma some thoughts about my dad, and I have never had that talk with my Grandpa. No one has ever asked my opinion about him...I think it's just easier for them this way and I respect that (anything that I would say would probably be redundant anyway). I know not many people like to talk about their problems, but it's something else to ignore them, don't you think?

I was six months old when my Dad's true colors started to show, therefore I've always lived this way, I've always kept quiet.

18 comments:

  1. Hi Misty, for what it's worth I really like how this medium allows you to express your feelings no matter what they are. The environment of near anonymity is freeing in a way. Just need to be careful about how much identifying detail about us that we share.

    I find the people I encounter here to be non judgemental and open to offer guidance and support. I have only recently started writing and blogging but it has helped me immensely. It's not therapy, but I think it provides acceptance of who we are and recognises the vast array of the human condition.

    In terms of your post I don't know what I can say to comfort you. I don't have those demons in my background so I can't even fathom how to go about it. Turning a blind eye to all of this, refusing to recognise it or to address it by those who have power to stop it is one of the most challenging issues with all of this. Pretending everything is alright, the stiff upper lip, has done untold damage and needs to stop. The difficulty in all this is that it needs great courage to be able to do this and often we just don't think we can. Not sure this is of any assistance and I think I am rambling so I will stop. DtBHC.

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    1. DtBHC, lol, ramble away! Comments alone help.

      "it provides acceptance of who we are" is a great way to put it. I have always had a problem accepting me, even before D/s, and I'm finely starting to be okay with who I am because I'm talking about it and I'm admitting it's not okay.

      Thanks again for the comment.

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  2. Misty, I know how hard thus is for you and I think you are incredibly brave. I actually read it the first time. Hopefully you find the strength to embrace your past, no matter how painful. I also hope you leave the post up. Hugs to you xx

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    1. little girl, I'm starting to think everyone read it. Ugh, kinda embarrassing. lol.

      I don't think it helps that I'm an over-thinker. Really, this post wasn't all that hard to write, I just...I don't know...I need to stop thinking!

      Delete
  3. I read it the first time, and then when it was gone , i sorta figured you freaked...and that's ok..you took the first step you wrote it. Now a second step you re-posted it...you are moving forward. We cannot forget our past, as much as we might like to erase parts of it. You survived then, and you are building a life now...no small accomplishments.....
    Big glass plug every night....much better you than me!!
    hugs abby

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    1. abby, you know, there are some other posts I've written that were a LOT harder than this one. I think this one got to me more because I feel more open all together, like a lot more of that wall has been knocked down and I feel more? I don't know, but things feel different.

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  4. Im glad you posted this, and i think you will be too, even though its difficult.

    There is so much i want i to say to you because i can relate to so much, as a child i was brought up that displaying ones emotions was crass..the good old british stiff upper lip mentality.

    My only advice is to let it out, in any medium, whether it be here or talking to him, only ever an email away Misty anytime.

    x

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    1. tori, I remember you saying a few things about that. (I will still come over there and punch your mom, if you want me to!)

      I don't know about you but, it really makes it hard to express myself with him...I know with time that will get easier but, I feel so bad sometimes because I send mixed signals. Like the other day we were talking and he says, "I don't think you care." Which hurt really bad because I do, I just don't know how to show it!

      Anyway, thank you so much for being here.

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  5. It's hard being raised that way. I was raised that way even though none of my family was a preacher or anything like that. They just didn't want to face the truth and it has taken me years to be open, face things, talk things out and it's not easy. Hugs

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    1. Angle Blue, I don't think I've seen you here before, welcome! (If you have been here before, welcome back :)

      Exactly! They didn't want to face the truth. It took most of them over 20 years to even entertain the idea that my dad is who he is. It's hard to blame them though, who wants to believe such things about their son or brother...

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  6. Misty,
    This forum is a great place to share and not be judged. I'm glad I found it and embraced it. Don't give up. That said, you are not alone with your childhood experiences and if you haven't done so, you may want to consider counseling to help you face the past and know that it's not your fault. What's important is how you embrace your life today. Self-preservation is very important. Sometimes easier said than done. Hugs.

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    1. Spankingly, I'm so thankful to have found this place! I have considered counseling, but that's as far as I've gotten. Maybe one day...

      Thank you.

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  7. Hi Misty, I also read this the first time, then it was gone. Good on you taking the step to publish. I know how difficult it must have been. I'm so glad you did because that is a big step forward.

    This is a wonderful, non - judgemental place to share your thoughts and feelings. I'm with Abby, no small accomplishments.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Roz, I hope this is a big step forward. It feels like a big step backwards though! lol. Maybe in a week or two it won't feel that way.

      Thanks for being here!

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  8. I think that, often, we are pleasantly surprised when we let those walls down and let people see in.
    I spent a lot of time keeping my husband on the other side of the wall. When he finally made it over the top (or took them down brick by brick depending on which one of us you ask), I really thought that he wouldn't love me anymore, but you know what? That was a few years ago and damned if we aren't closer than ever!

    I'm glad that you were brave and re-posted. It's not an easy choice to make. Sometimes hitting that publish button is like climbing mount everest!

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    1. lil, I have been so afraid that he will find someone other than who he married and run for the hills. He keeps saying he loves me though--I don't get it, but I will take it!

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  9. Congrats on posting it in the first place and then reposting. This community is very non judgmental and accepting and understandng. You have come to a safe place where you can express your thoughts. And it's so good that you are able to express them instead of keeping them bottled up. Remember, you are a victim and have nothing to be ashamed about. And you said you have considered counseling and said maybe one day. I hope you will consider counseling sooner rather than later. I know that is a difficult step but it would be a very positive one for you. Good luck on dealing with this. Wish you the best. And welcome to our community. Keep posting.

    FD

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    1. FD, thank you! Taking the step to see a professional will be a big one. I have mixed feelings about it (tried it once when I was younger and it didn't work out so well) and it's not something I can do at the moment anyway.

      Thank you, again, for the kind words. It's nice to know I can talk about these things here!

      Delete

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