Monday, February 16, 2015

What Once Was, Isn't

Parts of this new life have shaken me in ways I never expected. Beliefs have changed. Facts aren't as concrete as they used to be. What once was, isn't...

I must take a moment to share A Dauntless Journey's most recent post "It's Not Change...It's Evolution", because it fits here, and it has made me feel a tad better about what's happening to me.

I am now shaken by how much I have begun to care. I don't know how to handle it. 

Things I used to care little to nothing about, seem extremely important now. There is a higher standard I hold myself to (I don't think I'm unrealistic, but I could very well be), and it's important to me that I meet those standards.

I'm struggling to understand, process, and express the feeling of caring so deeply, about many things, not just him.

I think this has taken the last of my confidence...

I'm questioning if I have what it takes to be the person I want to be...I'm questioning myself in many ways.

It's quite annoying actually.

It's just that, I get so caught up in my head, and being that I'm quick to see my faults and reluctant to see my strengths...add that to this new level of caring...

I'm trying to see things for what they are, not how I feel they are, and even though I know the two are not the same, I have trouble knowing which is right... because what once was, isn't.

It's a trap I can't get out of.

I just...don't trust myself anymore. I clearly see that this me and my damn over-thinking brain, nevertheless I'm still here, contemplating my worth. I don't know how to get through this wall--usually there's a window, or at least a crack that I can start at, however I can't see one this time and it's driving me crazy.

I want some confidence, damn it!

10 comments:

  1. Misty, I think I understand exactly what you are taking about. Perhaps try to view it more as vulnerability rather than a lack of confidence. You are still a strong, capable woman...that doesn't change when you submit but what does change is that you open your soul.

    xx

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    1. little girl, I'm still thinking about all of this, it's a lot to think about, but...

      I've never seen myself as strong and capable, and I think I should be opened to the fact that, that might actually be true. Maybe vulnerability is the root of this--I have some real issues there for sure...I've never been an open person, I even have problems being open with myself sometimes...

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  2. Thanks for the reference to my post. Glad to know it made you think a bit.
    I think that part of any D/s relationship is that it requires you to be much more open. It requires you to open your mind to new sensations, new feelings and new possibilities. It's this opening your mind that allows you to accept this lifestyle and so much of what can be involved, as well as help you accept the changes and evolution of who you were to who you have become.

    As you are seeing, this opening of yourself to Him in submitting, has much further reaching affects than just within the D/s aspects of the relationship. You can't pick and choose what to apply it to and leave the rest out. I think, as little girl pointed out, it is more about being exposed and vulnerable than lack of confidence. You are a strong woman to even be at this point. It is that strength that has carried you this far and will continue to do so. Yet, that doesn't mean we don't need help along the way. Communication is everything and you need to make sure you tell Him what you are feeling. Allow Him the opportunity to support you and lift you up. Allow Him the chance to give you strength and encouragement. You didn't get to this place on your own, so you can't fight what you're feeling on your own either. And together, the two of you can come out the other side more evolved and further down the road.

    DV

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    1. DV, I agree, there is no way around it, one must open up to have the full effects of D/s.

      I knew from early on that I wanted to go "all the way" and quickly found there was no way to do that without opening up. It was grueling to start the process, and now...I don't know...I've opened up, I feel things I'm not 'at all' used to feeling, and I'm just...so unsure of everything. It's been a long time since I've cared so deeply, and it's scary beyond belief.

      I don't feel strong at all, I feel like my strength has been ripped from me.

      I did actually tell him about this a few days ago (go me!). I will give him that chance to support me, I don't really have a choice at this point (it's clear I can't support and encourage myself), but that makes me feel weak. I want to be strong and handle it by myself--I know that's not the "right" way, but knowing doesn't change how I feel.

      Thank you so much for the comment! This with your post has helped to see the bigger picture--the effort and struggles are well worth it. :)

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  3. I so get this. I think you need to take a leap of faith - in yourself!

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  4. Hi Misty, I get this too and I'm with HS, you need to take a leap of faith in yourself. You are right, how things are is not the same as how you feel they are. Ttwd makes us so much more open and vulnerable.

    ((Hugs ))
    Roz

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    1. Roz, and see, even though I know the two are different, it's hard knowing which way is reality. Sigh, this is exhausting!

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  5. ((hugs)) hang in there. you're doing so well, and have come so far... this stuff is not easy!

    what does he think? I'm willing to bet he has a better and higher opinion of you than you do of yourself (thats how it is here!)

    try and focus on his opinion and his expectation, gain confidence through his confidence in you xxx

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    1. mc kitten, it isn't easy! He definitely sees me differently than I see myself, thank goodness for that!

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