Saturday, March 28, 2015

Fear

I'm still not ready to blog, in its entirety, so for now I'm just here to write and reply to comments. Hope you understand.

I have been here since the break--read a handful of posts, commented on less. I came to write. I came to straighten out what's going on in my head. What came out was no less confusing than what's in my head--it started as one long post, ended in three, and a fourth is in the works (they might remain drafts).

As a whole, I think I'm fighting everything, from every angle.

One of the facets...

I convinced myself he doesn't want D/s, that he only wants the sex. I thought it through, looked at the facts, and that's what I found. Sounds kinda logical, doesn't it? Well, I'm starting to wonder if I just have a hard time believing such good, such luck, could happen to me. The last thirteen years with Daddy has been...I just never thought my life could be as wonderful as it is. Maybe I'm just waiting for it all to fall apart...for him to leave me. 

What submission is for me, the need of it, is a problem (and it's a bigger problem that my submission depends on him). Wanting is fine, needing is something else. I have a problem needing. The more I need, the more there is to lose, the more ways I can be hurt. It is terrifying. So, when I figured out what he didn't want, I told him I would be okay without it, that I could be happy, I could go back...and I meant it I meant to mean it...I just needed him to cut the bullshit and tell me the truth.

I prepared myself for his response--after all, I already knew what it was going to be. I know him, I have been with this man long enough to figure out his wants.

Apparently, I don't know him as well as I thought.

Though, weeks (and many contradictions to my belief) later, I'm still having a hard time believing him.

I think when life starts cruelly, it is easy to believe the rest of your life will be more of the same. When that cruelty comes from someone that is meant to comfort you, love you, and protect you, it is hard to believe you could find that in someone else.

Daddy has made his way past a wall that no one else has...it is nice to have someone on the other side, but I...there's just so many ways this could go wrong...and what would I be left with then...

Monday, March 9, 2015

It's Time

I'm going to take a break from blogging. It's just something I need to do...

I don't know how long I will be gone, but I will be back. I will still check and reply to any emails, so feel free to contact me that way.

Please forgive me for not answering your questions before I leave. I will answer them when I get back, promise.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Answer for Jz: My Theme Song

Jz, over at A Reluctant Bitch, asks, "What do you consider the theme song for your life?"

First off, can I just say this is not an easy question? There's just so many eras and genres to choose from!

So, what did I do when I read her question? 

I turned on Pandora.

What did I do when that didn't work?

I turned to a professional. Okay, the best friend isn't a professional musician, but the girl has a song for everything, and she does know me quite well.

While she was thinking it over she found an online quiz for me to take, "What is Your Personal Theme Song?" And, I played along...

Baby Got Back, by Sir Mix-A-Lot. 

I don't even know how to respond to that. Lol. Daddy found it funny...

She finally came up with I Did My Way, by Frank Sinatra. I was kinda surprised that she sees me this way, because I see a lot of confidence in this song and I don't feel as if I have been that. 

Nonetheless, I cannot deny that have done it my way. :)


Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Answers for abby: Bucket List and Submission

abby over at finally finding "me" asks...

1. What is on your "kinky or submissive" bucket list....3 items, if possible.

I still want him to tie me up to a tree, or a couple of them
Be fully suspended 
Make a video for him

2. When did you discover your submissiveness?

It was about a month before I started this blog, I think. We had some kinky sexual relations before that, and I was definitely on the submissive side, I just didn't know submissiveness was a thing. After reading a little bit about D/s it took me awhile to come to terms that I might actually want and like these things.

3. Submission is not supposed to be easy ( A quote from my Master)...do you agree or disagree.

I think submitting is a lot like running. It's extremely uncomfortable when you first start, but with time, practice, and a lot of sweat, you learn and your body adapts, and it gets easier. Nonetheless, no matter how long you've been doing it, there will still be bad days that make you question why you do it. You also have to keep pushing yourself to try new types of runs -long, fast, hills, intervals, in different types of weather, etc- to get the most out of running. If you went on the same run for years, always running the same pace and when the weather suited you, you wouldn't gain anything from that, there would be no growth. I shutter at the thought! Also, when you are finished with a run, especially a hard one, you have a strong sense of empowerment and accomplishment. 

So, I agree, submission shouldn't be easy, for the most part. If it was always easy it wouldn't be submitting, and we wouldn't grow--we would just be walking down the same easy path over and over.

Monday, March 2, 2015

No Biggy

Something happened today. It's really no big deal. I'm not squealing or anything ('cause I never do that!). But, you know, you should probably go see this, like right now.

I mean, it's totally cool if you don't because, you know, it's no big deal.

But, you should really GO NOW!

Tell me what you think or I will drive myself crazy.






Sunday, March 1, 2015

Ask Away!

March is question and answer month, did you know?

I thought it was fun reading read everyone's answers last year, and I even got to answer a few myself. Good times, good times.

I'm going to play along this year but, here's the thing, in order for this to work you must ask questions, it just won't work any other way. You have all month to ask, so plenty of time, nevertheless you should really get on it, because I need something to write about.

Please? *smiles*