Saturday, March 28, 2015

Fear

I'm still not ready to blog, in its entirety, so for now I'm just here to write and reply to comments. Hope you understand.

I have been here since the break--read a handful of posts, commented on less. I came to write. I came to straighten out what's going on in my head. What came out was no less confusing than what's in my head--it started as one long post, ended in three, and a fourth is in the works (they might remain drafts).

As a whole, I think I'm fighting everything, from every angle.

One of the facets...

I convinced myself he doesn't want D/s, that he only wants the sex. I thought it through, looked at the facts, and that's what I found. Sounds kinda logical, doesn't it? Well, I'm starting to wonder if I just have a hard time believing such good, such luck, could happen to me. The last thirteen years with Daddy has been...I just never thought my life could be as wonderful as it is. Maybe I'm just waiting for it all to fall apart...for him to leave me. 

What submission is for me, the need of it, is a problem (and it's a bigger problem that my submission depends on him). Wanting is fine, needing is something else. I have a problem needing. The more I need, the more there is to lose, the more ways I can be hurt. It is terrifying. So, when I figured out what he didn't want, I told him I would be okay without it, that I could be happy, I could go back...and I meant it I meant to mean it...I just needed him to cut the bullshit and tell me the truth.

I prepared myself for his response--after all, I already knew what it was going to be. I know him, I have been with this man long enough to figure out his wants.

Apparently, I don't know him as well as I thought.

Though, weeks (and many contradictions to my belief) later, I'm still having a hard time believing him.

I think when life starts cruelly, it is easy to believe the rest of your life will be more of the same. When that cruelty comes from someone that is meant to comfort you, love you, and protect you, it is hard to believe you could find that in someone else.

Daddy has made his way past a wall that no one else has...it is nice to have someone on the other side, but I...there's just so many ways this could go wrong...and what would I be left with then...

13 comments:

  1. Just a thought to ponder on...do you believe in him enough to trust him?

    because if you do, which im sure you do...now you need to start trusting and believing in yourself and your relationship.

    With or without ttwd, things can go wrong, but should that be the case, you work through it together.

    thoughts are with you

    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. tori, oh tori, why do you have to go and make it so simple? Lol.

      I do trust him. He has never lied to me. He has proven he does want this. I know he wants me, baggage and all. I just...I don't know...I'm still fighting it.

      It is time I start believing though. I'm just holding us back.

      Delete
    2. lol Misty, i consider myself the queen of over complicating matters in my own relationship, however when one is looking from the outside into someone elses 'space' its so much easier, no, not easier but perhaps being not personally involved you can 'see' things more clearly than the one actually writing it...sometimes.

      if that makes any sense at all lol

      x

      Delete
  2. Misty, hang in there. Long term relationships change and people evolve. My husband and I have had many ups and downs and have managed to weather the storm. Maybe it's time to take a break from TTWD and leave the dynamic to the bedroom for a while. Trust in him, trust in yourself, keep communicating and find some common ground. Sending happy thoughts your way. K

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    Replies
    1. K, honestly, I think a break would make it worse. It helps to see him controlling me outside of the bedroom. It's just hard to believe I could be so lucky...

      Thanks for the happy thoughts!

      Delete
  3. Hugs Misty. I know this is something that you can only work through in your own time and your own way. Eventually, you will see that you are deserving of all that he has to offer and that you don't have to live life waiting for the other shoe to fall.

    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. little girl, I do wish I would hurry and work through it! Damn other shoe.

      Delete
  4. ((Hugs)) Misty. I agree with the others and hope that you can believe and trust.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    Replies
    1. Roz, I'm working on it. Hugs back.

      Delete
  5. For a minute, I had a post long comment going, but decided that I should probably take it back to my own corner (plus, any excuse to keep the blog alive is a good one. Right?

    So I'll just say, you're not going to find another human being worthy of letting through those walls who is to you what he obviously is. Furthermore, you don't want to. If you never take the leap, you never get to fly (and yes, I totally get that the landing can be a real bitch sometimes).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lil, glad to give you some inspiration :)

      You're absolutly right. There is no one else. The thought of doing this with someone else...well, I wouldn't do it--no way, no how. He is worth it, and more.

      Delete
  6. Misty,

    If submission makes you feel love, respected, honoured, cherished and safe, then it isn't a problem...because you do need those things. And you do deserve them...though love isn't about deserving.
    Let him show you and tell you what he wants and needs and if you don't believe him, if you trust him, try and just let him take you in..D/s does go both ways...as much as you are letting down your walls, so is he...you aren't leaping alone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bleu, ugh, just keep adding to my needs, why don't you? lol.

      Your comment made me really think. I do believe his word and trust him. It's experience with others that has me questioning, which isn't fair to him. If he is willing to take the risk, who would I be to not do the same?

      Delete

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