Sunday, May 31, 2015

Two, or was it Three, Days Ago

The day started off bad, with extra work (which always stresses me out). He said something to me, which was meant to be funny, but wasn't to me at the time. It made me feel like he doesn't have faith in me, that I'm a lost cause. (Emotions I tell you...) (It is a big deal, I swear!) (Okay, it's probably not.) So then, I cried, and had to explain why I was crying. The rest of the day I wasn't myself.

As it turns out, he didn't like how I was acting. It's possible that I was feeling resentful towards him while beating myself up...never a good combination.
Anyway, my clothes came off, he tied my hands, and got the cane. (I think the cane and I are going to have a love/hate relationship, btw.) It hurt. And I cried. I'm not sure if it was the pain, or the feelings, or a combination of both, nonetheless it was surprising. I didn't want him to see me cry, and I tried to stop. Sure, it was humiliating but, more so, I didn't know how he would feel about it--I didn't want him to feel bad, or stop because I was crying.
I hate crying.
There was only a few, but I still have a mark from one on the back of my thigh.
After that, he kept my hands tied and did the sixty-nine thing, which I do not like, at all. (He really likes it, and I know he would prefer I like it, as well.) I didn't fight him like I normally do. It was as if my body was working on a different frequency.
I did enjoy myself, in a weird way, which I'm not really sure how to explain.
In the back of my mind I wondered if he was right for punishing me. After all, I'm not the one who made the joke, and I can't stop how I feel.
But, I can change how I act.
And, I don't have to be so down on myself.
I don't think he liked how I made him feel.
It was a humbling experience.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Vulnerable

Most of us make mistakes and do stupid things when we are young, I was not an exception. I have felt guilty and done a pretty good job at beating myself up about it. I knew better, despite my young age. I knew what I was doing was dangerous, and I didn't care. Nor did I see the stress I put on my family. 
I've wrote a little bit about these mistakes (I don't care to link the posts), for those of you that don't remember or haven't read, most were life threatening mistakes.
Since the effects of D/s have turned my emotions back up to full force, and I now know what it feels like, I think I was only surviving. I think I did what I could to block it all out, so I could just make it through the day. I was surviving by drowning myself. 
I'm learning how to live with these emotions. It isn't easy. Sometimes, I feel like I'm going crazy, like "send me to the nut house" crazy. 
I'm needy, and I have never been that. Or maybe I have been and, up until now, I've been able to push those needs off to the side. He says I'm more like a girl now. Sigh. He also said, he sometimes likes this neediness...he wouldn't tell me when he does and doesn't...smart of him. 
Vulnerability...if I could kick vulnerability's ass, I totally would. 
That's what it all boils down to, doesn't it? It's not really the emotions, it's being vulnerable to emotions...
Huh. 
So it wasn't that I was turning off my emotions when I was younger, but that I wasn't allowing myself to be vulnerable to them...
Huh. 
I don't know why I find that important, but I do.
I was upset with him yesterday. He wouldn't take one of those BDSM quizzes. It was just a stupid quiz. Oh, I didn't get all crazy, no yelling or anything like that, but I was upset...over a quiz. 
See what I'm up against here?! 
It hurt my feelings that he wouldn't take it. Of course, it really wasn't about the quiz, it was more of "he doesn't think our D/s is important". 
How in the world did it turn into that? I have not a clue. 
I don't like feeling this way. I don't like getting upset over little things. 
It is getting better though. So that's something.
______________________________

He was disappointed to find I was writing about emotions today, he probably wanted me to write about another gift he bought me, but I'm girl-ish now...so, yeah...emotions it is. Lol. 

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Full of Words (and a gift worth mentioning)

There's nothing like a blank page waiting to be filled with words. The start of something new. An open road for the mind to muse, reflect, and grow. The scratch of a pen across paper, the click of the keyboard below your fingers. That muscle working to put words in the right spot, to get your meaning across.

I love it.

Yet...

Sometimes...

Words accumulate. Words from this, start mixing with words from that, and you're left with a big pile of mush that wants to escape, with no holes or cracks to ooze out of.

Other times...

Words are there, they are ready to be written, but something holds them back...worries. Worries of seeing the truth. Worries of saying too much. Worries of what one, or many, might think.

Even if most times the words just come, it's those other times that get me.

Right now, there is a little bit of all of it.

He told me I could have time everyday to write, but, the thing is, it's working out so well this way. I'm getting more done. I'm more focused on the things I need to be focused on. He isn't upset with me when he sees me on here...

There is so much I want to say though! I've tried to go off a million different ways on this post... Sigh.

Writing in a journal just isn't the same. I don't get a release, like I do when I write here. It feels like I'm talking to myself, and I do that enough as it is.

I am trying to talk a little more--I think that's because I don't have any other way to get it out. I asked him the other day if he likes me this way (needy and emotional), which got us talking about other things, and I even got my thoughts across without saying something stupid!

I think, with a little more time, I will get better at doing what needs to be done around here, which will open me up to write more. And reply to comments in a more timely matter.

On a side note...I got something in the mail today (grins). The kids were so excited to open the box, you can imagine their disappointment when I told them it was for me. *evil laugh* 



Tuesday, May 19, 2015

The Night

Of course, Saturday was awesome, however, it's been a few days -words have built up and parts have been forgotten-, so this is all I got...

He tied me up downstairs. He installed a new hook thingamajig on the ceiling.

There I was, a worm on a hook, shiny attractions on my nipples, waiting for my fish to bite...

It was cold, oh-so-cold, but he was nice enough to have a space heater going (that was close enough to burn me...but didn't...I have no clue how I managed that! lol).

He used the cane and the crop. He didn't mind my spinning around, or useless attempts at trying to get away. Well, he might have told me to hold still a couple times...

I remember him walking me back up stairs...

And him fucking me.

And the crop on my sore nipples.

After it was all said and done, I curled up on him, told him I might like the cane a little bit more, and fell asleep. lol.

I know I'm way behind on replying to comments, I will get to them as soon as I can. Please know I appreciate all of you and your thoughts on my posts!!

Friday, May 15, 2015

I've Got a Bad Desire

Tomorrow, the 16th day in May, in this year of two-thousand fifteen, I will be enjoying some alone time with Daddy.

I get the entire night, to be exact. (enter smugness here)

The kids will be staying with the grandparents for the first time. You would think I would be a little more stressed out about this, but really, I'm not. Maybe because by the time I was my oldest's age I was a seasoned veteran in spending the night--I do feel quite proud that they aren't. Maybe it's because they won't be far away, and if they need us I know Daddy will zoom over there faster than light...

Anyway, I've tried to not let myself get too excited because, you know, kids = nothing is set in stone. However, excitement is starting to sink in and I'm thinking of all the possibilities...

Glorious possibilities...

Kinky possibilities...

Painful possibilities...

Rope possibilities...

I love possibilities.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

I Am His

Something happened around this time. It was a pivotal point.
I couldn't hold the pain of history in its corner of hate. He saw it. And it was bad. I've held that pain for so long. 
It was also the fear that followed the crash. I tried so hard to put the pieces back so he wouldn't see, but they no longer fit. I was in the middle of a storm with no shelter. I had worked so hard to build that shelter...
It felt all wrong. I could feel the wind tangling my hair and the rain hitting my face like tiny needles. The cold reached my bones and thawed my heart. I tried to pull myself away, and tried to hold on. My fingers bled tears when I gave up. 
I felt alive in my misery--a pain you feel only when you're living, really living.
I looked up and he was there. 
I reached for him when I wanted to run away. I held on because I am a survivor and he is my air. I spoke of a fear that has always been and will always be, because I am made from it. 
And something inside me altered. 
I opened up and fell inside him. Everything I was, became what I am, yet I am more.

I am his. 

Monday, May 4, 2015

FetLife is...Different

All week I kept thinking of things I could write about, now that I'm here I can't think of a single thing. Surprise, surprise. Guess I will have to jot down ideas as they come.
I don't think I'm going to like this limited blogging thing. I miss writing already. I do think he will be happier with me though, and that is what's important.
We signed up for FetLife...interesting place that is. Glad I found blogging first. I've only been on a few times (obviously, time is limited there, as well), so still getting used to it--I feel so far out of my element. Some of it makes me wonder if we are doing what we thought we were doing. Lol.
And they have all these different labels...effing labels. I picked slave, but...
And the pictures! They're everywhere. Seriously, there's no lack of private parts around there. Nothing like here. Not that I mind! I mean, it's totally helpful to know what ones asshole looks like before making friends, right?
One girl I came across said on her profile that she wouldn't friend anyone that didn't have pictures...why is that? I mean, not like I can't grab some random picture of someone and claim that it's me. I don't know, just found that interesting.
I told Daddy that it might be a good idea to have a picture of me on there (everyone else is doing it!). I didn't think he would even consider it, but he said not right now, which means one day... a picture of me on the internet that is connected to all of this... yeah, I didn't think that one through before I asked. It kinda makes me want to delete the account, yet go take a bunch of pictures for him to choose from...you know, just to have them at the ready. Lol.