Sunday, May 31, 2015

Two, or was it Three, Days Ago

The day started off bad, with extra work (which always stresses me out). He said something to me, which was meant to be funny, but wasn't to me at the time. It made me feel like he doesn't have faith in me, that I'm a lost cause. (Emotions I tell you...) (It is a big deal, I swear!) (Okay, it's probably not.) So then, I cried, and had to explain why I was crying. The rest of the day I wasn't myself.

As it turns out, he didn't like how I was acting. It's possible that I was feeling resentful towards him while beating myself up...never a good combination.
Anyway, my clothes came off, he tied my hands, and got the cane. (I think the cane and I are going to have a love/hate relationship, btw.) It hurt. And I cried. I'm not sure if it was the pain, or the feelings, or a combination of both, nonetheless it was surprising. I didn't want him to see me cry, and I tried to stop. Sure, it was humiliating but, more so, I didn't know how he would feel about it--I didn't want him to feel bad, or stop because I was crying.
I hate crying.
There was only a few, but I still have a mark from one on the back of my thigh.
After that, he kept my hands tied and did the sixty-nine thing, which I do not like, at all. (He really likes it, and I know he would prefer I like it, as well.) I didn't fight him like I normally do. It was as if my body was working on a different frequency.
I did enjoy myself, in a weird way, which I'm not really sure how to explain.
In the back of my mind I wondered if he was right for punishing me. After all, I'm not the one who made the joke, and I can't stop how I feel.
But, I can change how I act.
And, I don't have to be so down on myself.
I don't think he liked how I made him feel.
It was a humbling experience.

6 comments:

  1. Oh Misty, try not to be so hard on yourself. I know how you feel, happens to me as well and when all is said and done, it becomes clear that I over reacted. Sounds like he did just what you needed to be done to make you realize that when you get down on yourself, it also affects him. Take care and hugs. K

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    1. K, i do feel bad for the way I acted, and I'm glad he did what he did. It gave me direction, which I love.

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  2. Oh Misty, I'm sorry. It's hard not to beat yourself up. As you said, you can't stop how you feel.

    ((Hugs))
    Roz

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    1. Roz, sometimes I wish I could stop how I feel. Lol.

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  3. I've learned that just because I have the 'right' to feel how I feel, it doesn't mean that I am free to express it. Under the confines in which I have agreed to live, sometimes it-consequences- isn't fair but I try and accept it as part of the whole.

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    1. Bleuame, even though, at the time, I questioned it, I did still accept it. I learned (not long ago) that I don't always see what he sees, so now I follow and wait to see what comes next. :)

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