Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Vulnerable

Most of us make mistakes and do stupid things when we are young, I was not an exception. I have felt guilty and done a pretty good job at beating myself up about it. I knew better, despite my young age. I knew what I was doing was dangerous, and I didn't care. Nor did I see the stress I put on my family. 
I've wrote a little bit about these mistakes (I don't care to link the posts), for those of you that don't remember or haven't read, most were life threatening mistakes.
Since the effects of D/s have turned my emotions back up to full force, and I now know what it feels like, I think I was only surviving. I think I did what I could to block it all out, so I could just make it through the day. I was surviving by drowning myself. 
I'm learning how to live with these emotions. It isn't easy. Sometimes, I feel like I'm going crazy, like "send me to the nut house" crazy. 
I'm needy, and I have never been that. Or maybe I have been and, up until now, I've been able to push those needs off to the side. He says I'm more like a girl now. Sigh. He also said, he sometimes likes this neediness...he wouldn't tell me when he does and doesn't...smart of him. 
Vulnerability...if I could kick vulnerability's ass, I totally would. 
That's what it all boils down to, doesn't it? It's not really the emotions, it's being vulnerable to emotions...
Huh. 
So it wasn't that I was turning off my emotions when I was younger, but that I wasn't allowing myself to be vulnerable to them...
Huh. 
I don't know why I find that important, but I do.
I was upset with him yesterday. He wouldn't take one of those BDSM quizzes. It was just a stupid quiz. Oh, I didn't get all crazy, no yelling or anything like that, but I was upset...over a quiz. 
See what I'm up against here?! 
It hurt my feelings that he wouldn't take it. Of course, it really wasn't about the quiz, it was more of "he doesn't think our D/s is important". 
How in the world did it turn into that? I have not a clue. 
I don't like feeling this way. I don't like getting upset over little things. 
It is getting better though. So that's something.
______________________________

He was disappointed to find I was writing about emotions today, he probably wanted me to write about another gift he bought me, but I'm girl-ish now...so, yeah...emotions it is. Lol. 

16 comments:

  1. lmao at your last paragraph.

    Emotions are a pain in the ass, and often are the cause of making something a bigger issue that it is..well thats the effect they have on me.

    Neediness, yeah, i have periods where i hate that i feel dependent on him, for goodness sake im nearly 40 im more than capable of making my own decisions etc...but yet im vulnerable to needing his approval.

    Im learning (yeah its been 10 years lol) to try to not get worked up over things that are not important, i should like to say i have it down...but well...queen of over analysing here!

    x

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    1. tori, it does seem like my emotions make things more difficult than they have to be. lol.

      Needing him is hard to admit to, but I do, in so many ways.

      Delete
  2. Vulnerable...it took me so long to accept that it was okay for me to feel vulnerable...and still at times i fight it. But, i have found there are many rewards to allow onelseft to be so open...
    Love your last paragraph...interesting gift...
    hugs abby

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    1. abby, it is so hard not to fight it. It just feels...wrong, you know. There are benefits though, which is what keeps me going.

      The gift...when he gave it to me, all I could do was giggle. I'm sure my face was red as a strawberry. Lol.

      Delete
  3. All right, here we go again with me being the only one to sing this song: Emotions are awesome! Useful! I emotion all the time....

    He probably thought it was just a stupid, silly online waste of time quiz.
    You probably felt that because it was related to BDSM and an activity you could both do, that was something related to D/s..him not doing it was saying your D/s wasn't important....crossed communication wires..and valuation problem, that's all.

    Keep in mind, vulnerability requires strength. You are strong.

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    1. Bleuame, I remember you telling me awhile back how emotions can be useful (or something to that effect, there was more to the comment than that). Ever since then I have tried to not fight my emotions, but let them be, so to speak. I wasn't exactly sure how to do that...honestly, I didn't think it was possible. Lol. However, I think I'm getting better at it and I'm finding that fighting them actually makes it worse. It still feels odd though...

      You're spot on about what happened.

      Delete
  4. Misty- good lord you are so speaking to me! I have spent so much time being "fine" that it is an emotional wake up call to live with all of me. (Does that make any sense?!)

    I have never been one to be needy/girly/owned and here I am with a sore bottom, a damn ever-wet crotch, and no clit orgasms until the closets are cleaned out. And, even crazier.....I am calm!

    XOXO Pearl

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    1. Pearl, it makes complete sense.

      Lol, I need to get over to your blog and see what's going on!

      Delete
  5. could it be that because you haven't fully experienced these emotions for some time, that everything is therefore CRANKED RIGHT UP TO ELEVEN?!

    you do say it's getting better, my guess is that it will continue to so and level out a bit in time, but it's got to be HEARD so now it's all being HEARD it will probably SHOUT at you for a bit! If that makes sense :D

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    1. mc kitten, I think that is exactly what is going on. I'm waiting for them to tone down a bit, but they just wont. lol. Joking aside, it is getting better, they're more managable, just not as managable as I'd like.

      Delete
  6. I find it very ironic to read this. I have been on an emotional roller coaster for the last week. I know alot of it has to do with the changes in my life because my initial reaction is to push everything away before it has a chance to hurt me. I even stood there ordering my daughter's graduation cake today with tears in my eyes. I am an emotional basket case at the moment! You are not alone...

    On a different note...I bought a strap on recently!! A gift for my girl...don't know when we will get a chance to use it but the thought is certainly exciting:)

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    1. little girl, it's hard adjusting, but we just have to give it time, I think. And, with what you have going on, I'm sure you have different thoughts flying at you from every angle, which makes it hard to figure out how you feel...

      Delete
  7. "That's what it all boils down to, doesn't it? It's not really the emotions, it's being vulnerable to emotions...

    So it wasn't that I was turning off my emotions when I was younger, but that I wasn't allowing myself to be vulnerable to them..."

    Thank you for that. Seriously, thank you!
    willie

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    1. willie, thank you for the comment! It is always nice to see someone new.

      That thought just hit me when I was writing this...I think it helps knowing.

      Delete
  8. Hi Misty, as Willie said, I hadn't really thought about it being vulnerable to the emotions so thank you. Feeling so open and vulnerable is hard and something I fight at times too. It isn't just us though, they are also making themselves open and vulnerable. I actually asked Rick a while back when we practiced DD whether he also felt vulnerable and he said yes. I think I have an old post about it.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Roz, for the most part I forget to think of how he feels, but lately (especially since your comment) I've been more mindful of it. It's helped in a way I'm not sure how to explain.

      Delete

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