Most of us make mistakes and do stupid things when we are young, I was not an exception. I have felt guilty and done a pretty good job at beating myself up about it. I knew better, despite my young age. I knew what I was doing was dangerous, and I didn't care. Nor did I see the stress I put on my family.
I've wrote a little bit about these mistakes (I don't care to link the posts), for those of you that don't remember or haven't read, most were life threatening mistakes.
Since the effects of D/s have turned my emotions back up to full force, and I now know what it feels like, I think I was only surviving. I think I did what I could to block it all out, so I could just make it through the day. I was surviving by drowning myself.
I'm learning how to live with these emotions. It isn't easy. Sometimes, I feel like I'm going crazy, like "send me to the nut house" crazy.
I'm needy, and I have never been that. Or maybe I have been and, up until now, I've been able to push those needs off to the side. He says I'm more like a girl now. Sigh. He also said, he sometimes likes this neediness...he wouldn't tell me when he does and doesn't...smart of him.
Vulnerability...if I could kick vulnerability's ass, I totally would.
That's what it all boils down to, doesn't it? It's not really the emotions, it's being vulnerable to emotions...
So it wasn't that I was turning off my emotions when I was younger, but that I wasn't allowing myself to be vulnerable to them...
I don't know why I find that important, but I do.
I was upset with him yesterday. He wouldn't take one of those BDSM quizzes. It was just a stupid quiz. Oh, I didn't get all crazy, no yelling or anything like that, but I was upset...over a quiz.
See what I'm up against here?!
It hurt my feelings that he wouldn't take it. Of course, it really wasn't about the quiz, it was more of "he doesn't think our D/s is important".
How in the world did it turn into that? I have not a clue.
I don't like feeling this way. I don't like getting upset over little things.
It is getting better though. So that's something.
He was disappointed to find I was writing about emotions today, he probably wanted me to write about another gift he bought me, but I'm girl-ish now...so, yeah...emotions it is. Lol.