Monday, June 29, 2015

Seriously...


I know I shouldn't be but, I'm blown away by the stupidity I am seeing surrounding the legalization of same sex marriage. 

Honestly, it's pissing me off.

I even went as far as posting my thoughts on Facebook, which I never do. Okay, so it wasn't about my opinion on the law itself, but about what I think defines someones worth and appreciating individuality.

I wanted to put a little love out there, you know?

But now, I want to punch people.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Just Call Me Crazy

Yep, that would work ;)
Even if chocolate and six million dollars would be a fantastic distraction to any ill feelings,  it truly helps to get some special attention...

That includes cuffs, leash, and collar...

And pain...

Particularly in the vagina area.

Just saying.

Oh, and by the way, I'm done denying that my mood changes more often than the weather.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

The Mood

I was pretty stupid to think that would have no backlash.

It's not that I regret it, actually I'm glad I did. I only had a few moments of, "Oh, my God. What did I just do?!" I mean, that post could have pushed me to delete the entire blog, which I was mindful of from the beginning.

It's just that I've been thinking too much about all of it.

Now, I'm in this mood. Which is totally awesome.

Been here before. Really fucking tired of it, too.

I feel like I can't give him what he needs or wants. He wants a wife that he doesn't have to manage. Hell, I am thirty-three, I shouldn't have to be managed!! But, damned if I don't crave the hell out of it. Damned if it doesn't...help. 

I start thinking that he doesn't want this. Truthfully, he doesn't need this (not like I apparently do), he would be fine going back. I would go back, but the sex...I just can't seem to get into normal sex. He is very sexual.

Then I start to feel like I'm trying to get him to do something he doesn't want to do.

That's when I really start to fight it. 

I asked him if he would be happier with someone else. He thought it was a pretty stupid question. I think he would be, nevertheless I'll be here until he kicks me out.

What can I do?! How do I stop these thoughts from happening? I'm so tired of it. I know, more than likely, my feelings aren't real (who knows, maybe he would like to manage me more...).

I know I can't read other blogs when I get like this. No, sir, it does no good, at all. (See, I'm learning!)

I know I'm probably looking at it from the wrong angle, but I just can't see past it and it's having a bad effect on my willingness (which frustrates both of us).

And it feels like these feelings are happening more often--probably something to do with the whole vulnerable thing.

Sigh.

I haven't forgot about the comments on my last post, that I've yet to reply to. I will get to them soon, promise.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

A Life of a Convict's Daughter

My dad, as most of you know, is an issue for me. He is my demon and the root of my problems. 

He was sent to prison when I was very young for raping women. His parents and my mom kept me in his life. Some of my earliest memories are of seeing him in prison--a glass window between us and a phone to talk to him on. Later in his incarceration we were able to sit with him at a table, in a room full of other convicts and their visitors. Despite where he lived, I looked up to him and I loved him...he was my dad. I was much too young know who he really was.

I saw him every other weekend until my mom finally decided to divorce him, when I was almost nine years old. After that my contact with him was minimal (mostly via mail), but continued on until I was eighteen. I saw too many peeks inside his mind...

He is a master at manipulating, which is exactly what he did to my family, he made them believe that he wasn't what he is. I can't say I blame them or that I wouldn't have fallen for it myself had I been in their shoes (who wants to believe such horrible things about someone they love?). I think they were so caught up in their own problems that they were unable to see how such choices would effect me. I know they were only doing what they thought was best.

My dad's "problem" developed, as do many with the same dysfunction, and he touched me in places he shouldn't have on multiple occasions, which my family knows nothing about (though my mom has a good idea that he did something to me). He has been released and incarcerated less than five times, however, not one of those releases lasted very long. He is in prison today and will be for over a decade, if they don't let him out early for good behavior. (Can I take a moment to express my utter disappointment in the fact that, after all this time, after all he has done, he can still be released early?)

Over the years my family as a whole has become much more aware of who he is. They no longer try to keep me in contact with him (they rarely even tell me how is doing) and they don't question why I cut him out of my life. He is told how I am doing and given updates on us, which I won't prevent for my own reasons, nevertheless he doesn't deserve this kindness.

I have not seen nor spoken to him in over thirteen years, yet he is always there. I cannot escape him--I am made from him. Living across the country doesn't make it easier. His death will be my only release, and not even a full one at that.

I want no part of him. It sickens me that I came from him, and it worries me. I have absolutely no desire to do what he does, but...I'm different, and I worry that a twisted part of him got passed down to me. I have spent a great deal of time trying to push the dark side of myself off to deepest corner I could find because of him--because I fear being anything like him. Religion helped to keep it buried.

In a way, finding the power exchange made me feel better about who I am because I've found me and others like me, which is so wonderful. However, in a different way, it has made the struggle worse. It has made me hate him and myself a little more because...he turned me into something I didn't start out as (there's no way anyone could come out of what I did and be the same, you know?). Maybe I would have still ended up in this type of relationship had I been given a different life, but I find it hard not to blame him, even though this isn't a bad thing. I think I'm just tired of finding ways he has effected my life.

Not to mention how much it pisses me off that my husband is left to deal with the residual of his mess.

I know I'm not him. I know it is okay to want and need the things I do. I know what my husband and I do within our relationship is not what he does, the two are not even comparable, however that voice is still there, telling me that he fucked me up beyond repair--there is proof of that now, I can no longer ignore it.

I've taken this leap to share my story because I know I'm not alone. It's not that I think many have been through the same situations as I, but I know there are many others who fight the same fight--the fighting of monsters that will never leave.

A death of another that makes you whole, tragedies of the unspeakable, pure cruelties to the undeserving...suffering is individual, each different than the next, yet all painful and all create irrevocable change within us that we must learn to live with.

I've made a choice to be thankful that I am who I am. I might hate who made me this way, but I'm no longer going to hate that he changed me. I like the colors and textures that have been woven into my life because, as a whole, they make me a better person, a better wife, and a better parent. I would do it all again, exactly as I did before, to end up where I am now.

There is great reward for having experienced such things, it's just not always easy to see through the clouds of agony.

Friday, June 12, 2015

I Got One! I Got One!

Two weeks ago, almost to the day, I got something...it's pretty special.

No, not a bathing suit! Look at my neck, silly!
Exciting, huh?

I have to tell you, I took a couple pictures for him to chose from and he choose the boob one vs the just neck one.

I'm all giggly...in case you were wondering.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Hindsight Can Be a (Helpful) Bitch

The way things are, the way D/s has made them, has totally turned everything I knew (like I knew) into something else. Right isn't right at all, it's left. And I don't know myself anymore.

So, I've found myself in a state of mass confusion. More times than I'd like to admit.

Because...

What. The. Fuck. Is. Real?

You know?

My emotions get in the way of everything. Honestly, I have not a clue what happens an inch past my mind.

He says a few little words and...
Attractive, huh?

After that, I totally shut down like nothing happened.

I just didn't want to feel. I wanted to go back to the way I was before. And I did, a little, but it was pretty awful. 

It's just...he is my everything and D/s means nothing without him, so if it gets in our way, than I don't want it. I thought it was hurting us, which, in hindsight, is totally ridiculous. 

So, after days of only talking to each other when necessary, we fought. Then we talked. Then he fucked me. 

All is right again. 

It is even more clear how important it is that I look to him for direction. I'm incredibly thankful that I have a man that will do what is right left for us--he is a rock that will only move at the right time, despite the weight of my current. 

And, once again, communication is so very important, even when we really, really don't want to...not sure when that is going to sink in, but I wish it would hurry up and do so!

Friday, June 5, 2015

Stressed No More

The FetLife accounts have been deleted.

My hands are washed of the situation.

I can't thank all of you enough for the advice on the subjects surrounding this. I feel like I wasted your time :(

I do think, should someone stumble across those posts, they will find your comments very helpful.

Hope all of you have a great weekend!

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Tired of This Subject Yet?

I think my perspective might be off when it comes to FetLife. Maybe I'm looking at it from the wrong angle.

I don't think it's the site and its people that are the problem...honestly, it's so very good there is such a thing, and that so many people are there. It's really amazing, if you think about it.

I think it's how I feel about myself when I leave the site, that's the problem.

It's not that I feel like I'm doing something (morally) wrong by being there, or anything of that sort.

I think I feel a little vulnerable. 
I think I feel bad for judging people. 
I think it excites me. 
I think I feel a little let down.
I think...all these people talk about doing this and that, and we aren't doing this and that, which turns into, "Does he really want this?" I know he wants this, so I get angry at myself for thinking that way. 
I think I feel like getting what we want is an impossibility--yes, yes, I know these things take tons of time. I don't expect to find someone today...or this year. 
I think I'm a little nervous about actually finding someone.

I can be complicated, okay! Lol.

Anyway...

I want to friend all of you there so bad! It would be nice to know people. It would make me feel as if I had people backing me up, so to speak. But, I can't, not right now. I've said a lot here, I've brought the blog too close to my heart, and FetLife comes too close to home. I'm just not at all comfortable bringing the two together. I've tried to come up with a way I could combine the two, but I'm not willing to change my location there, and I've said things here that I can't take back...

Next time I find myself over there, I will try to view things differently.

Monday, June 1, 2015

A Little More About Fet

So, I've been on FetLife a few more times--I even wrote a little something. 
I've concluded that the five people in the area could be our friends, but nothing more.

My friend count has risen to two...yeah, I'm that cool. 

I don't feel like I fit there. Like even a little bit. Those of you that I have found here, you're one in a million in my world, just so you know.
I get nervous and second guess to the point that I say nothing. When I do comment, the stress that comes afterwards is awful. I know I can only be me, which is what I'm doing, but it is exhausting. 
I asked him to take over looking for...you know. Ugh. How am I ever going to...you know...if I can't even type what it is we're looking for. Well, I did mention what we want on my Fet profile, but still... 
He said he would take over the job. Thank goodness! 
I actively try not to judge people (in all areas of my life), Fet has tested this. I don't tend judge actions if they are...not stupid. I mean, if you want to pee on your loved one, okay. If you want to "force" someone to have sex with another, okay. If you want to rub blood all over your face and take a picture of it, okay. I might think you're crazy, but it's still okay--really, I don't mind, as long as it's done with a kind heart. If you put out an ad, on a sexual website, looking for someone to pick up your friend (who's car broke down on the side off the road) and give them a ride back home...
Who in the hell do they think is going to pick them up? A shirtless fireman, waiting to rescue a damsel in distress? 
Seriously people, are we trying to breed stupidity?