Saturday, June 20, 2015

A Life of a Convict's Daughter

My dad, as most of you know, is an issue for me. He is my demon and the root of my problems. 

He was sent to prison when I was very young for raping women. His parents and my mom kept me in his life. Some of my earliest memories are of seeing him in prison--a glass window between us and a phone to talk to him on. Later in his incarceration we were able to sit with him at a table, in a room full of other convicts and their visitors. Despite where he lived, I looked up to him and I loved him...he was my dad. I was much too young know who he really was.

I saw him every other weekend until my mom finally decided to divorce him, when I was almost nine years old. After that my contact with him was minimal (mostly via mail), but continued on until I was eighteen. I saw too many peeks inside his mind...

He is a master at manipulating, which is exactly what he did to my family, he made them believe that he wasn't what he is. I can't say I blame them or that I wouldn't have fallen for it myself had I been in their shoes (who wants to believe such horrible things about someone they love?). I think they were so caught up in their own problems that they were unable to see how such choices would effect me. I know they were only doing what they thought was best.

My dad's "problem" developed, as do many with the same dysfunction, and he touched me in places he shouldn't have on multiple occasions, which my family knows nothing about (though my mom has a good idea that he did something to me). He has been released and incarcerated less than five times, however, not one of those releases lasted very long. He is in prison today and will be for over a decade, if they don't let him out early for good behavior. (Can I take a moment to express my utter disappointment in the fact that, after all this time, after all he has done, he can still be released early?)

Over the years my family as a whole has become much more aware of who he is. They no longer try to keep me in contact with him (they rarely even tell me how is doing) and they don't question why I cut him out of my life. He is told how I am doing and given updates on us, which I won't prevent for my own reasons, nevertheless he doesn't deserve this kindness.

I have not seen nor spoken to him in over thirteen years, yet he is always there. I cannot escape him--I am made from him. Living across the country doesn't make it easier. His death will be my only release, and not even a full one at that.

I want no part of him. It sickens me that I came from him, and it worries me. I have absolutely no desire to do what he does, but...I'm different, and I worry that a twisted part of him got passed down to me. I have spent a great deal of time trying to push the dark side of myself off to deepest corner I could find because of him--because I fear being anything like him. Religion helped to keep it buried.

In a way, finding the power exchange made me feel better about who I am because I've found me and others like me, which is so wonderful. However, in a different way, it has made the struggle worse. It has made me hate him and myself a little more because...he turned me into something I didn't start out as (there's no way anyone could come out of what I did and be the same, you know?). Maybe I would have still ended up in this type of relationship had I been given a different life, but I find it hard not to blame him, even though this isn't a bad thing. I think I'm just tired of finding ways he has effected my life.

Not to mention how much it pisses me off that my husband is left to deal with the residual of his mess.

I know I'm not him. I know it is okay to want and need the things I do. I know what my husband and I do within our relationship is not what he does, the two are not even comparable, however that voice is still there, telling me that he fucked me up beyond repair--there is proof of that now, I can no longer ignore it.

I've taken this leap to share my story because I know I'm not alone. It's not that I think many have been through the same situations as I, but I know there are many others who fight the same fight--the fighting of monsters that will never leave.

A death of another that makes you whole, tragedies of the unspeakable, pure cruelties to the undeserving...suffering is individual, each different than the next, yet all painful and all create irrevocable change within us that we must learn to live with.

I've made a choice to be thankful that I am who I am. I might hate who made me this way, but I'm no longer going to hate that he changed me. I like the colors and textures that have been woven into my life because, as a whole, they make me a better person, a better wife, and a better parent. I would do it all again, exactly as I did before, to end up where I am now.

There is great reward for having experienced such things, it's just not always easy to see through the clouds of agony.

23 comments:

  1. That took great strength to say, come to terms with yourself, and to post for all to see. All I can say is... bless you!

    DV

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    1. DV, you know, I think it might be just as hard to reply to all these wonderful comments! I've been sitting here for almost fifteen minutes trying to express my gratitude and it just isn't coming out the way I want it to. Lol.

      Thank you, DV, for your comment. It was quite the road to end up here, but worth it.

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  2. Misty,

    Reading your blog is like looking in a very helpful mirror sometimes. Thank you so much for writing this -- you have such an amazing and beautiful strength!

    hugs,
    aurora

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    1. aurora, how wonderful to see you! Hope you are well.

      You probably wouldn't be too surprised to know how many months I've been holding onto this, or how much it has changed from the original, or how many times I've read it.

      I aspired to help, so thank you so much!! Truly and deeply, thank you.

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  3. i can only echo what DV has said.

    hugs
    x

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    1. tori, thank you for being here. I pull a lot of strength from people like you.

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  4. I know that it isn't this simple but you can choose who YOU become. You do it every day. I am not who I am because if "him". I am who I am in spite of him. I have decided that the story ends there for me.

    You are so strong to share this Misty- you have no idea how much I admire your strength! You are so deserving of joy in your life!!!!!!!

    XOXO Pearl

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    1. Pearl, I've been thinking a lot about what you've said (and abby and Roz).

      I think I've been trying to be someone else for so long that I don't really know who I am. It feels like I've been trying be an apple, when I'm actually an orange...and now that I know that, I can figure out what it means to be an orange.

      I like what you said--"I am who I am in spite of him." And maybe I am that, I do feel like I have overcome some great odds...

      Thank you so much. It is scary putting it out there.

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  5. You are brave, I have had my own struggles, but I don't know how you survived and even thrived in spite of what you had to endure.

    big hug

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    1. Jen, I did have a lot of love from a lot of people, which I think is what pulled me through. I did some really bad stuff, made a lot of bad choices, but I've come to think that's how I coped with it all.

      Thank you for the comment.

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    2. All of us need love, Misty. But sometimes it's hard for us to accept someone really would love us as we are. I think that's what makes a D/s relationship so special. He loves me despite all my problems.

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  6. Oh Misty....this is so brave of you to share....and you have no idea how many people you have helped. Yes....our growing up years help to shape our future, but they do not determine who we become. The choices, the decision, you have made have you the wonderful, brave, loving woman you are today.
    hugs abby

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    1. abby, like I told Pearl, I've been thinking a lot about what you've said. It's hard to see it that way because my past has effected my present time and time again--it feels like a trap, you know? However, now that I'm starting to see myself in a different light, hopefully it won't have such a negative effect and I will be able to feel the way you do.

      Thank you, abby, so very much!

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  7. Misty, how brave of you to share your story. Hopefully it helps knowing that we out here in blogland care and want nothing but the best for you. You are resilient and have someone in your life who loves you and is standing with you day after day. Take care and sending hugs. K

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    1. K, thank you! It helps to know I can come here.

      I don't know what I would do without him...

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  8. Gods Misty, you are so very strong.

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    1. Bleuame, thank you so much! It helps to have people like you around.

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  9. I hope that it helped to share your story with your blogger friends. Keeping things bottled up tends to make it worse. It's good to have a place like this to come to. Also, have you ever tried therapy? That might help, too. And just want to say I am sorry you've had to deal with this in your life. But you are brave and strong and courageous. Best of luck going forward.

    FD

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    1. FD, I do hope that, in some way, I've helped someone out there (if even to make them feel better about their life), but I think it has helped me, as well. I feel more accepting of myself, for the moment. :)

      Therapy is not completely out of the question, but not something I can do at the moment.

      Thank you for the sentiment, FD!

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  10. Misty, thank you for sharing this with us. That was so brave of you and I admire you.

    Our upbringing shapes but does not define us. I just love your last paragraphs, that you have made a choice to be thankful and that your experiences have made you a better wife and Mom. You are much stronger than you know.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Roz, I have been holding on to this post for quite some time, so it didn't come easily.

      I like that, "Our upbringing shapes but does not define us." It has given me something to think about.

      Thank you so much for being here and always commenting!

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  11. Misty, I know how hard this had to be to write...and put out there. But just know, we cannot be judged and should not judge ourselves on our parents actions.

    I think I told you before that I admire your strength and again, this is proof why. You have made a decision (a very difficult one) to distance yourself from a very toxic situation. And you have made the choice to rise above your circumstances!

    Many hugs to you and thank you for sharing such a personal peek into your past.

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    1. little girl, even though I know you're right, it's hard not to judge myself. I just don't want to be anything like him, you know? It's a useless fear that makes me question a lot and holds me back. I hope this is the end of that nonsense!

      I know you know how hard it is to share such personal things about ourselves... thank you for taking that leap before me.

      I really don't feel all that strong, but I know how it's easier to see certain things when your not in the thick of it, so I won't say I'm not strong. :)

      Thank you so much!

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