Tuesday, June 23, 2015

The Mood

I was pretty stupid to think that would have no backlash.

It's not that I regret it, actually I'm glad I did. I only had a few moments of, "Oh, my God. What did I just do?!" I mean, that post could have pushed me to delete the entire blog, which I was mindful of from the beginning.

It's just that I've been thinking too much about all of it.

Now, I'm in this mood. Which is totally awesome.

Been here before. Really fucking tired of it, too.

I feel like I can't give him what he needs or wants. He wants a wife that he doesn't have to manage. Hell, I am thirty-three, I shouldn't have to be managed!! But, damned if I don't crave the hell out of it. Damned if it doesn't...help. 

I start thinking that he doesn't want this. Truthfully, he doesn't need this (not like I apparently do), he would be fine going back. I would go back, but the sex...I just can't seem to get into normal sex. He is very sexual.

Then I start to feel like I'm trying to get him to do something he doesn't want to do.

That's when I really start to fight it. 

I asked him if he would be happier with someone else. He thought it was a pretty stupid question. I think he would be, nevertheless I'll be here until he kicks me out.

What can I do?! How do I stop these thoughts from happening? I'm so tired of it. I know, more than likely, my feelings aren't real (who knows, maybe he would like to manage me more...).

I know I can't read other blogs when I get like this. No, sir, it does no good, at all. (See, I'm learning!)

I know I'm probably looking at it from the wrong angle, but I just can't see past it and it's having a bad effect on my willingness (which frustrates both of us).

And it feels like these feelings are happening more often--probably something to do with the whole vulnerable thing.

Sigh.

I haven't forgot about the comments on my last post, that I've yet to reply to. I will get to them soon, promise.

9 comments:

  1. It's ok to have these thoughts, heck im 40 this year and i need managing....and i like it, so does he.

    Having these thoughts, and getting them out into the open is a good thing, it means they can be addressed and dealt with, and in time im sure they will fade.

    I still have really vulnerable moments of insecurity where i dont feel im good enough, that im not slave enough...ugh its horrible, because deep down i know different...but yet that doesnt stop me thinking them.

    x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. tori, I'm just so tired of this happening! I know how it starts, yet I can't seem to stop myself from thinking these things. Seriously, by now you would think I'd be done with the "does he really want this?" questions.

      Your comment left me feeling relieved though, so thank you.

      Delete
  2. Aww Misty, I wish I had some words, but I can't think what I add to Tori's wonderful words above. Sending huge (((hugs)))

    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Roz, the hug was helpful. Thank you!

      Delete
  3. I think we all have the same thoughts. I do know I need to be owned by Him and he does love it. Of course he can get testy if I am slow to catch on to what he wants. But that's part of the life we are in.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jen, I *know* he likes it, yet I still find myself questioning it. Maybe the problem is that I don't always *see* it...

      lol, I don't think I could be more difficult.

      Delete
    2. Don't worry so much, although I feel that way at times. I am sure he knows exactly how to get you on track.

      Delete
  4. "I just can't seem to get into normal sex. He is very sexual."
    Sigh*
    Yea...
    Story of my life!

    ReplyDelete

I like views, but I love comments, so... say something, would ya'?