I was pretty stupid to think that would have no backlash.
It's not that I regret it, actually I'm glad I did. I only had a few moments of, "Oh, my God. What did I just do?!" I mean, that post could have pushed me to delete the entire blog, which I was mindful of from the beginning.
It's just that I've been thinking too much about all of it.
Now, I'm in this mood. Which is totally awesome.
Been here before. Really fucking tired of it, too.
I feel like I can't give him what he needs or wants. He wants a
wife that he doesn't have to manage. Hell, I am thirty-three, I
shouldn't have to be managed!! But, damned if I don't crave the hell out
of it. Damned if it doesn't...help.
I start thinking that he doesn't want this. Truthfully, he doesn't need this (not like I apparently do), he would be fine going back. I would go back, but the sex...I just can't seem to get into normal sex. He is very sexual.
Then I start to feel like I'm trying to get him to do something he doesn't want to do.
That's when I really start to fight it.
I asked him if he would be happier with someone else. He thought it was a pretty stupid question. I think he would be, nevertheless I'll be here until he kicks me out.
What can I do?! How do I stop these thoughts from happening? I'm so tired of it. I know, more than likely, my feelings aren't real (who knows, maybe he would like to manage me more...).
I know I can't read other blogs when I get like this. No, sir, it does no good, at all. (See, I'm learning!)
I know I'm probably looking at it from the wrong angle, but I just can't see past it and it's having a bad effect on my willingness (which frustrates both of us).
And it feels like these feelings are happening more often--probably something to do with the whole vulnerable thing.
I haven't forgot about the comments on my last post, that I've yet to reply to. I will get to them soon, promise.