Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Involvement *sigh*

I'm at that blogging point, once again, that I wonder why I am here, why I write about what I do, wondering what people think about the things I write. In other words, I'm insecure. I'm just gonna push through...

Up until recently I didn't know how to explain what I think I need. All I knew is that I wanted more. More of anything that he was willing to give.

I'm going to move between "need" and "want" as if they are same because I'm not at all comfortable with needing. Moving on...

It's just that I have this feeling in my chest, a clawing type feeling. Sometimes it's more pronounced, in which case I always find myself in a pit of mass confusion. It's a battle between logic and feelings (if you haven't noticed, I'm not very logical).

All the little scenarios that run through my head have one thing in common, his involvement in me, however it's not just in me, but in specific things I do. Sexual and non-sexual, it makes no difference.

I realize wanting his involvement is okay, natural even...

I'm trying really hard not to make this one about my past.

I want to be strong! And needing his involvement makes me feel anything but that.

I'm counting on being strong through his involvement.

The reality is that, it's much more than involvement -it's accountability, interest, belief, trust, confidence building, guidance, and a whole bunch of other stuff-, but I think a lot of you get that already.

I know this is a lot to ask of him... Maybe I deserve it, but I really don't...

There's just too many feelings, too many thoughts, to explain it all in one post.

13 comments:

  1. "it's accountability, interest, belief, trust, confidence building, guidance, and a whole bunch of other stuff-"

    That stuff is what this dance is made of.
    Being vulnerable is being strong.
    Keep talking to him. It gets easier ;-)

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    1. Bleuame, it sure would be nice if vulnerable *felt* strong. :)

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  2. The beginning is tough and it lasts a long time but you get there and it's good. You've got this.

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    1. dancingbarez, yeah, I'm thinking in another 5-8 years we will be out of the beginning. Some days (ahem, most days) I feel like I'll never get it...

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  3. I agree with both of the above comments. I think most...if not all...of us have been where you are at. And at times,,,it sucks. I have made peace with being needy...but it did not come easily....You are getting there....hugs...
    abby

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    Replies
    1. abby, getting there? Are you sure? Lol. I know I'm not where I was and for that I'm so thankful! Being needy was unexpected...

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  4. Probably not the best analogy - monks and nuns spend years being novices before they choose to be what they feel is their calling and make their final vows. That trust and other stuff isn't going to be easy given how much you are opening up to him. At some point it will get easier, but you'll only see that in retrospect - like driving a car?
    Any way, I'm might be talking out of my... so ignore this if it does make sense!
    hugs
    DF

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    Replies
    1. DF, lol! I love analogies and it does make sense. It does help, thinking about it from that perspective--time and practice before it actually becomes...whatever it becomes.

      It's so good to see you here!

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  5. Misty, follow your heart, don't give up, think about what you want and need, talk about it, never let the conversation end if you can. Hugs. K

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    Replies
    1. K, at this point I don't think giving up is an option.

      Thank you and hope you are well.

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  6. I agree with everyone above Misty. Needing and wanting his involvement is natural, and it doesn't mean you aren't strong. Hang in there.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    Replies
    1. Roz, today you are Ruiz--I really don't know how my auto correct comes up with this stuff! Lol.

      It is so hard to see strength in ourselves. I'm hangin' on :)

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  7. I'm running VERY short on time, but wanted to let all of you know that I have read your comments and I will respond to each of you as soon as I can... I'm not ignoring you :)

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