I'm at that blogging point, once again, that I wonder why I am here, why I write about what I do, wondering what people think about the things I write. In other words, I'm insecure. I'm just gonna push through...
Up until recently I didn't know how to explain what I think I need. All I knew is that I wanted more. More of anything that he was willing to give.
I'm going to move between "need" and "want" as if they are same because I'm not at all comfortable with needing. Moving on...
It's just that I have this feeling in my chest, a clawing type feeling. Sometimes it's more pronounced, in which case I always find myself in a pit of mass confusion. It's a battle between logic and feelings (if you haven't noticed, I'm not very logical).
All the little scenarios that run through my head have one thing in common, his involvement in me, however it's not just in me, but in specific things I do. Sexual and non-sexual, it makes no difference.
I realize wanting his involvement is okay, natural even...
I'm trying really hard not to make this one about my past.
I want to be strong! And needing his involvement makes me feel anything but that.
I'm counting on being strong through his involvement.
The reality is that, it's much more than involvement -it's accountability, interest, belief,
trust, confidence building, guidance, and a whole bunch of other stuff-, but I think a
lot of you get that already.
I know this is a lot to ask of him... Maybe I deserve it, but I really don't...
There's just too many feelings, too many thoughts, to explain it all in one post.