Tuesday, August 4, 2015

The Problem is...

I want it to be about him, but sometimes it's about me.

And I really, really hate that.

I've been so good at "whatever" for so long, and it's just so unfair that I'm not good at it anymore.

I'm horrible at asking for what I want believe I need because of how I feel afterwards (vulnerable, open, raw--just all kinds of yuck), so I don't ask.

I'm horrible at explaining how I feel because I know how I feel effects him, and it never comes out like it does when I write.

"Well, write then," you say.

Well, he wants me to talk, so...

It's not easy, this communication thing. Even if I did know how to talk, it wouldn't be easy. 

Because...it totally sucks admitting you think you need something from someone, something you can't provide for yourself, because that makes you dependent (well, hello there, Ms. Vulnerable. You're a real bitch, you know that, right?).

Not only that but, what if he wants nothing to do with these things I think I need?! What if it's too much work?

And, what if I really don't need it?! What if I just feel this way now because of my stupid monthly cycle?

What if...

I mean, why can't I float along his river and just take what it gives?

I don't want to say, "If you want this, I need more of that," because that's not what I want to be. I just want to give him that, without any of this...you know?

13 comments:

  1. I get this post on many levels. ... hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I totally understand.. Hope you can come to some understanding, or atleast ride the wave until you find something that works.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yep, I get this too Misty, Hang in there! Talking is so hard, but he wants you to be open about how you feel and what you need.

    ((Hugs))

    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Roz, today you are "Too". :)

      If only I could just stop over-thinking things!

      Delete
  4. It's unfair to expect them to be mindreaders. But learning new skills is never a bad idea ;-p
    Everything in my mind is his...and its his task to sort through what is useful, to determine if it goes any further than a passing thought or in the moment idea. It took time, trust, patience and deep breaths to get there. It is a continual process to let him in and sometimes it is a continual battle. But when I do..that's it, that's exactly what we aim for with M/s. *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bleue, it would be so much easier if he could!

      It's like the words get stuck in my throat--they start to come out and...nothing. It's the damnedest thing.

      Delete
  5. The only way a D/s relationship works is through totally honest communication. i am learning that the hard way also.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes it is. but it's necessary. I know because he made it clear. I have no secrets from him.

      Delete
  6. I know these feelings all to well..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Baby Girl, well, at least we're not alone. :)

      Delete

I like views, but I love comments, so... say something, would ya'?