I've been thinking about what it means to ask someone down the power exchange road. Not just anyone, but someone whom you've been loving and living with for years, someone you started another kind of life with. Someone that didn't sign up for this.
book series could be written about what comes after the, "Okay, let's do this." I wish someone would hurry up and write them so I could know what the hell we are doing here, or at least a heads up of what's to come.
I can only speak from the bottom side and being the one who asked my love for this. Also keeping in mind this is only a crumb of our whole, not yours...
In order to do my thing, he has to guide. Simple enough...or so one started out thinking.
I was too caught up in myself to think that he probably wouldn't know what he wants or which road to take, right off the bat (or even weeks, months, or maybe even years later). Nor did I take into account that he might even be uncomfortable with the things he wants.
My husband is a provider and protector, and he takes that job very seriously (I've only seen a small part of the weight he carries and that little part is too heavy for me). He saw the importance of it all, the weight of it, way before I did. And he isn't one to take his loved one down a road without having throughly thought it out. And shouldn't he be aloud to become (at least a little) comfortable with himself before bringing me into it?
For me, that has meant waiting for him, during the frenzy of things and beyond. It meant taking only what he gave because he was nice, and brave, enough to do it for me. It also meant waiting another day to find out what he wanted. I wish I could say I did that gracefully, alas, saying that I did it less than gracefully is painting me in a much better light than I deserve.
Two years later, I'm still waiting to have a clear picture of the road he wants, however I'm thrilled to say that I have a fuzzy picture.
You see, he waited over ten years for me to be sexual, any kind of sexual. He suffered many nights of unfilled needs, for me. He shut off parts of himself and I'm asking him to turn those parts back on, even though I was the one that taught him to ignore them. In other words, he deserves a lot of time to paint his picture.
I will take the long way around so he has the space he needs, if it is space he wants. If that means I have to wait ten years while he figures it out and finds his voice, so be it. If that means I need to be a mind reader in the mean time, bring it on. I will do my best to offer, so he doesn't have to ask. I will do, so he doesn't have to tell.
...all within reason, of course.
I will revel in the parts he takes and gives. Those parts are becoming increasingly more frequent after all, which makes it much easier to accept the unknown.
And I will wait, as patiently as I can, for the rest.
I'm sure to struggle, bitch, and whine (let's face it, I'd probably do that with clear direction), but I will do my best, as I know he is doing his best.