Thursday, September 24, 2015

Hopeful

It's not very often that I find myself in need of sex without him playing with me first (this is not to be confused with my need of dominance, 'cause that I have like all the time). In fact, I'm pretty sure my libido went wayside somewhere in my teens. So when I wake up horny, trying to rub my parts on him and stuff, it throws me.
Don't get me wrong, I love it. I know he loves it. I feel pliable, floaty, and all things lovely.
However, when I get like this, there's a fall back. Soon I will start to freak out about it. Not about being horney per se, not even about what we did to get me to that horney state, truly I'm great with all of that. 
It's the feeling. It's a feeling I used to avoid because I felt like it was wrong. Not that it was wrong, it just felt that way because of what went through my head when I sedated it. That feeling is the same now as it was then, and it feels wrong. It scares me. It feels like I should try to stop it. Yet, at the same time, I want it and I know the feeling is okay to feel, which is major progress if you ask me.
I don't want the crash! I get so very unpliable and it's awful.  
I don't know what to do to stop it from happening either. I'm great at the moment, a little cross-eyed even (lol), which is why I wanted to write about it now. Maybe just saying that the feeling is there -that the need to push it away is knocking on the door-, will be enough to stop the crash?? 
I think this time I will just try to stay horny. I will keep the thoughts coming, even when instinct tells me to stop them. 
Yes, that's what I will do. 
Nasty, dirty thoughts coming right up. Thoughts of being used and exploited will not be pushed away. 
Wish me luck. 

10 comments:

  1. Oh Misty..you have come so far......go ahead keep those hor dirty thoughts coming..i am pretty sure, He will love it. Seriously it took me a long, long time to banish my 'voices'...it has happened only recently...and they still try...so i get it...and the dirty thoughts do help ...some.
    hugs abby

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    1. abby, I hate those voices, they ruin all my fun!

      One good thing about blogging about it...I've been worried about what everyone must think of
      me, which in turn has taken my mind off of wanting to fight the feeling. Lol. I'm just going to crawl into a hole now, that will fix everything, right?

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  2. You are going to crash...as in go into a negative tailspin because you felt good about feeling sexy and horny and needy and wanting?
    You have the advantage of seeing the trigger before it sets off the reaction....change the reaction.
    Can he help you in this?
    Its so not easy.
    *hugs*

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    1. Bleuame, lol, yes, that's exactly what happens. Somewhere along the way I started thinking it was bad, like really bad. It was bad to need it. Huh, it feels a lot worse in my head, but after seeing it in those words...seems pretty stupid. Lol. I do have a pretty good idea how I came to think this way.

      I'm not really sure if he can help, I don't have a clue what he could do... I mean, he tells me how much he likes it, how it would be nice if I was like that more often, "maybe we should do that every night", etc.. Maybe after more of that, it will start to sink in??

      I think it helped to say that it happens. I usually don't even think about it, then it hits me in the face. It feels different this time...

      Anyway, I'm really tired of it being a thing and I'm ready for it to stop happening.

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  3. Hi Misty, knowing that it's ok to feel this way and recognising the trigger is definitely progress! Hold onto those thoughts! :)

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Roz, I think this might be the first time I have actually fought to keep the thoughts, rather than fighting to push them away. It feels odd, to say the least. He is definitely making it easier. :)

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  4. I think it a matter of reconditioning yourself and your thinking. We all have things from our past that have negative connotations to them. Like was mentioned, realizing this is a trigger for you and being able to face it is half the battle and the first step. I"m sure you have someone there that will be happy to help you through it as well. And it is not wrong to feel this way. It's natural to have needs and want to be sexual. Try to learn to embrace it and and enjoy it. It will be better for you both.

    DV

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    1. DV, I really do need to change my way of thinking. I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that it's okay, but doing that when it still scares me, isn't easy. It's a lot to think about... I think what gets me, what cripples me, is the fear of it getting out of control...

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  5. It can be hard to avoid triggers, to fight against our instincts..but like DV said it's about changing the way you think..and that is not going to happen overnight...but it will happen.

    x

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    1. Thanks, tori. Im set on changing it. And hopeful, too.

      I asked him for help and opened up a little about why I think things are the way they are, and I'm surprisingly calm. I'd usually be a nervous wreck. Lol.

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