I feel incredibly vulnerable at the moment. Like overwhelmingly vulnerable. And I wonder if I will ever get used to this shit.
I want to quit doing everything that puts me in contact with people. Of course, I can't do that, but I want to.
I wonder if I'm over-reacting. I think I am, but fuck if I know.
It goes something like this...
I'm doing so good, I feel great, I can take on the world. I do something, he tells me that he wants it done another way, it's frustrating, but I look at it as constructive criticism and move on. I'm also (mostly) comfortable with my thoughts and feelings. I feel capable and confident.
Then something happens. The wind blows a feather that knocks me in the head and I fall over, I guess.
I take a tour though The Land of Question, Insecurity, and Doubt, and end up in I'm Totally Fucked Up Town.
What happens then? Well, when it's pointed out that I've done something wrong, it's no longer constructive criticism, it's further proof that I suck. I try to stop caring because caring hurts...because I can't seem to fucking get it right. You know, stuff like that.
Anyway, Daddy gave me a ticket out and I'm on my way out of I'm Totally Fucked Up Town.
But, I'm leaving there feeling extremely vulnerable and I don't like it, at all.
I wonder if it's a matter of just learning to live with it or maybe it's possible to bottle it up and keep it just for him...