Friday, September 11, 2015

That Damn Feather

I feel incredibly vulnerable at the moment. Like overwhelmingly vulnerable. And I wonder if I will ever get used to this shit.

I want to quit doing everything that puts me in contact with people. Of course, I can't do that, but I want to.

I wonder if I'm over-reacting. I think I am, but fuck if I know.

It goes something like this...

I'm doing so good, I feel great, I can take on the world. I do something, he tells me that he wants it done another way, it's frustrating, but I look at it as constructive criticism and move on. I'm also (mostly) comfortable with my thoughts and feelings. I feel capable and confident.

Then something happens. The wind blows a feather that knocks me in the head and I fall over, I guess.

I take a tour though The Land of Question, Insecurity, and Doubt, and end up in I'm Totally Fucked Up Town.

What happens then? Well, when it's pointed out that I've done something wrong, it's no longer constructive criticism, it's further proof that I suck. I try to stop caring because caring hurts...because I can't seem to fucking get it right. You know, stuff like that.

Anyway, Daddy gave me a ticket out and I'm on my way out of I'm Totally Fucked Up Town.

But, I'm leaving there feeling extremely vulnerable and I don't like it, at all.

I wonder if it's a matter of just learning to live with it or maybe it's possible to bottle it up and keep it just for him...

16 comments:

  1. For me I am only content when he notices me, whether it's to criticize, discipline or use as he pleases. I am coming to accept that he is just as happy if I fuck as if I do things right the first time. He needs to control and discipline me as much as I need it. I hope that makes some sense and maybe even helps you a little, Misty.

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    1. Jen, I get a lot of attention, I'm pretty lucky. :) This time, I messed up and spiraled from there. He brought me back, but...oh, the vulnerability. It wasn't long after he brought me back that a few words from someone (not him), that wasn't anything really, got to me. It felt horrible. I'm just not used to that.

      I'm good now though :)

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    2. I am glad to hear that, Misty. I understand the vulnerable feelings. :)

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  2. Huh. Why is it that you can't quit everything that puts you in contact with people?
    ----> Living a semi-charmed life here, I know <------------

    Sometimes, days are just like that. If he says chill the hell out, then do so. You're good.

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    Replies
    1. Bleu, I actually thought about what I would have to do to avoid contact and, you know, I could probably manage it for a couple days. :) I'll have to remember that next time.

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  3. Welcome to I'm Totally Fucked Up Town. I'll be decorating with posters next week. There is also wine and tequila.

    Bleu is making me jealous...

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    Replies
    1. lil, I'll meet you there with tape and cups.

      You could always lock yourself in the bathroom, soak in a hot bath, and pretend you don't know people. ;)

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  4. Keep your chin up Misty and don't give up. My world has been turned upside down and what I wouldn't give to have just a little of the D/s dynamic back. Take care and hugs.

    K

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    Replies
    1. K, I'm not giving up.

      I'm so sorry to hear life is still a mess for you!

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  5. Hang in there Misty, you got this

    ((Hugs))
    Roz

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  6. Replies
    1. ancilla, thank you! It helps a ton to know I'm not the only one.

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  7. You will be fine, to echo ksst, it happens to a lot of us, I think sometimes it needs to happen to make us stronger.

    x

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    Replies
    1. tori, I do feel better, though the feeling is lingering a little. It better make me stronger, damn it. lol. Feeling this way is horrible...and it was over something so little...

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  8. I am sorry you ended up in this miserable place...we all have. Words have so much power...but we give them that power. Hang in there...hugs abby

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