Friday, October 30, 2015

Questions for You

You know how life gets busy, or something in life changes, or maybe you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and you feel less compliant...less submissive? Well, what do you do to fix that?

Do you ask your Dominant for something? If so, what do you ask for?
Do you wait for him/her to "fix" it? If so, do you find it gets harder to deal with over time?
Is there something you do on your own to refocus? If so, what?

Less importantly, how does it make you feel? Do you ever feel resentful or do you beat yourself up? Depressed? Doubtful? Do you ignore how it makes you feel and get on with your days? Or maybe it doesn't bother you at all?

If there are any Doms reading...what are your thoughts?

Do you expect your bottom(s) to tell you so you can do something about it?
Do you want them to stay in that zone, outside of a scene?
What if you're super busy, is there some quick way to rectify the problem?
Is there something you do that prevents them from feeling less submissive in the first place?Something other than maintenance spankings.

I'm curious and would love any and all thoughts you're willing to give. :)

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Kids, They Grow Too Fast, Make it Stop!!

My oldest lost her first tooth last week. The day after it fell out, she told me that a boy at her school loves her (she told me, "I was so surprised!"), but she doesn't love him because she loves that boy from her other school and wants to marry him.

Now, I knew she would grow up. I knew at some point this would happen. And, sure, she doesn't know what marriage is, or what it is to love a boy, but this just kinda smacked me in the face!

One day they're all little and you're wiping their butt and, even though it isn't all that bad, you're excited for them to use the toilet. Then they use the toilet and proceed to stick their head in there to see what came out of them, just far enough that their hair gets wet, and you kinda want the diapers back.

Even though there are sure to be many unexpected (and expected) disturbances, I'm so excited to see them learn, grow, and have things I didn't, but this is all happening way too fast.

Tonight we are going to a shindig at her school, which is making me anxious. We don't have to go, but we really do. I just don't want to deal with all the other parents! I want to be involved because I didn't have that and I think it's super important for her to know this school thing is important to us.

I kinda want her to be three again. Lol. Maybe because I'm going into uncharted territory?

Knowing myself, I will be okay (and maybe even have fun) once we are there.

But, I don't wanna go!

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Only Vanilla?

I found a list of submissive writing prompts here and thought I'd give this one a try...
Describe what it would look like if you and your Master decided to have a vanilla-only relationship. What would change? What would stay the same? How would you feel?
Daddy and I have been together for fourteen years, the first twelve were vanilla and, despite moments like this one, I'm 100% sure I would never decide to go back, however should "never" happen...

It would be like taking paint brushes away from a painter or words away from a writer. 
It would be like cutting a tree at its base and expecting it to put down new roots in another climate. 
It would look bleak. 

We are both so happy this way, so much has changed and much would change if we went back. 

There wouldn't be vulnerability or emotional roller coasters, which, at first thought, might not be so bad, however there is great benefit for enduring them. 

There is also sex to think about. Sex makes Daddy so happy. Give the man sports and sex and he will be in heaven. Sex without dominance just doesn't work for me. The relief and joy of finding a way to make sex "work" has been life changing. I can't begin to tell you how heavy the guilt was from all those sexless nights when I knew he wanted it. I can't begin to tell you how important it is to me that I never go back to that. I will not let him down like that again, but if you take away dominance...

I'm sure there are things that would stay the same. I mean, it's not like he would start cleaning the toilets or mopping the floor. He would still be in control of the money. I would still shave. I guess a lot of things would stay the same, yet they would all have a different meaning behind them...they wouldn't have any meaning behind them.

I think it's pretty clear I would be miserable in a vanilla life.

To never again see that smile on his face or gleam in his eyes, to never again feel the collar around my neck or his hand squeezing my throat, to never again feel him hugging my soul, would be to leave me in a sunless desert with no water. 

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Maybe, I Don't Know

I want to write about the rest of our night, really I do. I've tried. I'm just not feelin' it. It's not that we did anything that I don't want to share, or anything like that. I'd like to have pieces of it here for something to look back on.

I don't know, maybe I'm just being lazy.

Writing here has been different the past few months. I don't know what changed. I don't know how to explain either.

Maybe I've said too much...

I like it here though.

I like writing. I like having the opportunity to improve my writing, this place gives me that. Not that I couldn't get that from other places...

I like being around like-minded people's words. It helps. But, I kinda feel alone, too.

I don't know if I should take a break or push through.

Maybe I just need some inspiration.

I don't know.

Monday, October 19, 2015

The Only Way I Want to do Chores

For the third time, in all of our parenting history, we had an evening and the following morning without kids. If you are picturing me frolicking freely through a field of flowers, we're on the same page.

It was fantastic.

Better than fantastic.

It was perfect.

Earlier in the day he told me not to put the clean clothes away, which is really quite odd considering how he is always telling me what a great job I do at getting the pieces in their rightful spots, so he doesn't have to look at them for days (ahem). I thought I was in trouble, and I was, but as it turns out, it was a "I want to be in that kind of trouble all the time" kind of trouble.

Seriously, I might not hang clothes until the next time we get a night to ourselves.

I'm kidding.

Something tells me he wouldn't be too impressed with mounds of clothes laying around for half a year. I guess I will just have to settle on reminiscing as I do the tedious chore.

In part, it went something like this...

I was dressed up in my collar, leash, clamps, a clothespin between my legs, and high heels.

He was close by with the other end of the leash and crop in hand.

The mission? To put away the clothes, of course.

He would say things like, "Hurry up!" And, "You sure aren't moving very fast."

But, you know, it's not all that easy to hurry when someone keeps whacking you and pulling your head up so the clamps, that are attached to your collar, pull ever so much on your nipples. They pull just fine without his help, thank you very much. Okay, okay! I love it when he does that.

And, it's so much fun walking with a clothespin on your clit.

He would also have me bend over from time-to-time, which I would get in trouble for because I wasn't working.

I would also get in trouble if I stopped while he rubbed me in some lovely places.

So deliciously unfair.

When I was done putting my clothes away he walked me down the I could put the kids' clothes away.

Then, when I finally finished, he had me stand with my legs spread and hands cuffed behind my back, while he use the crop on my pussy.

And that was just the beginning!

Monday, October 12, 2015

One at a Time

One thing led to another and it ended with him telling me that I'd better not say, "I can't," again. That was just after the paddle found my ass, twice. I know, I know, two times doesn't seem like a lot, and it's really not, but it was more than enough to get his point across.

I have written about this "paddle" before. It really deserves a name of its own--That Thing, maybe? He took a piece of wood, carved a handle into it and, voilà, pain. I look at That Thing and see this huge piece of wood (seriously, it takes up the entire room!), but it's something close to an inch thick, two inches wide, and two feet long. Point is, it has absolutely no give and it freaking hurts. I want to run away when I see it.

Of course, it's not just the paddle that hurts -why it made its way into his hand hurts more-, so maybe under different circumstances we would get along, but I really hate That Thing. 

So, last night, he got it out because I wanted to measure it. Yeah, didn't really think that one through. It hurts worse when I'm in trouble but, then again, I know he didn't use the same force. After that, I'm thinking hate might be too strong of a word, nonetheless, I still don't like it. I never did get around to measuring the darn thing. 

It was put away for the longest time and I didn't miss it, not once. Sadly, I've felt it twice since we started the change.

He tied me up the first time, felt it for a couple of days... Never underestimate a practical man and his money.

Anyway, this time was hard on both of us. Boy, did I need it though! I was overwhelmed before, super upset for about thirty minutes afterwards, then...the fog lifted.

He even bought me chocolate (a little later that day)! Oh yeah, I'm a lucky girl.

Since then, I've been trying to take one thing at a time, just like he told me to, and for the most part it has worked. I know my To Do list will get the best of me again, but hopefully it will be awhile before that happens!

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

He is My Sound Mind

You know how you start off thinking the problem is there because of abc, but come to find out it's because of xyz?

Well, that's happened to me like a million times in the past two years. Lol. Not that abc (and def, and ghi, and jkl, and...) wasn't a problem, because it was, but it just wasn't the crux. 

Now, I've come to the conclusion that I don't trust myself. 

I just don't. 

And, I hate myself.

So I look to him. 

I trust his judgement because I know him, I know where he came from, and I know he has a sound mind. 

I don't trust myself because I know where I came from. 

Maybe I'm not being fair to myself, but...

I don't know...

Anyway, things are changing around here. I love change. 

It has only been a few days and I am kinda worried that he will decide he really doesn't want change (you know, waiting for the other shoe to drop), but...

Punishment is going to be more of a thing.
We also bought a plug that is going to be for daily use. It's en route-- it could be in Opa-locka, FL, but that's just a wild guess ;).
He is expecting more, enforcing more.
We're talking more, which freaks me out on a whole new level (one of these days he is going to run for the hills, I swear). 

I need all of it but, more importantly, at this point in time, I need to know his sound mind doesn't see me as I see me, that it is really okay, and that he wants it, too.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Crazy, But Not That Crazy

I have come across some pretty crazy women in my day. If you ask Daddy, all women have a bit of crazy, just some have more than others. Don't get me wrong, men have their crazy, too, it just comes in a different form.

I've always counted myself out of the crazy group. Calm, cool, and collected...that was me, until D/s.

Now, know that I would never ever take a baseball bat to his truck. His poker friend's wife, on the other hand... Unbelievably, the guy married her after she trashed his car, which he bought only 3 months prior.

And I would never ever hit my x-boyfriend with my car like an old friend of mine. What can I say, she either hates you or loves you. Good thing is, if you are on her good side she'll hit someone with her car if they hurt you. Miss that girl...

However, I might pack up everything D/s related and stick it in a closet far away from the bedroom, so I would never ever have to see it again. And I might even come up with the idea that Daddy should find someone else to have sex with, but come back home to me.

I didn't tell him about that second part but, unfortunately, I did pack up all our toys and anything that would remind me of D/s.

We talked. It wasn't easy. I'll spare you the details.

Then, after it was decided that we would keep on keepin' on, he told me to go get one toy.

I picked the collar, even though it really isn't a toy.

He was only sorry I didn't bring the clamps as well (which he thinks should come hand-in-hand with collar...but that's another post).