Tuesday, November 24, 2015

The Cane

We have a cane--it is merely a wooden dowel bought from a hardware store (don't buy them from craft stores!) that he cut down (though it's still long) and wrapped a thin strip of leather around one end, creating a nice handle.

In the past, I had mixed disapproving feelings about it, however they have recently started leaning more toward a "hey, I might actually like this" side.

I'm bound in some form or fashion when he uses it, which could be the reason I've opened up to it. I do love being tied up...*dreamy sigh*

But, it's more than that...

He is positively cruel. It's almost as if Daddy went away and brought in Master to take his place.

I wriggle, bobble, and yell, to no avail.

The wriggling only gives him different spots of skin to whack.
The bobbling only gives me a moment of reprieve.
The yelling...pointless.

I also find myself laughing from time-to-time, but it's not at all funny. Strange.

One evening, after a bit of wriggling, he used the leather side on my rear. The plug was in and, to my surprise, I came. It was pretty magical.

The last time, my hands were above my head and he held me to him...I'm pretty sure there wasn't one bit of skin on my ass that wasn't touched by that stick. I found it quite enjoyable in a really painful way. I was also impressed he could do that, it must have been awkward trying to hit me in such close proximity while holding on to me.

So, yeah, I've caught myself actually wanting more of it...

Mosts nights, I kinda, maybe, possibly...hope for it.

But it hurts! So I don't want it.

I don't.

Honestly.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Calling All Recipes

Every year around this time Jz, over at A Relunctant Bitch, puts together The Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza (click to see past recipes).

Yes, it is as awesome as it sounds. I mean, it is an extravaganza after all.

I would like to encourage you to participate (the more recipes the better!), however, should you decide not to, please do mark the day on your calendar so you can check out all the greatness that surrounds this event. No joke, you gotta check it out.

If you are interested, and I know you are, read below to hear it from Jz herself.

Dust off your baking pans, because on Wednesday, December 9th 2015
The Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza returns!

Won't YOU please join us?

It's easy to play along. 
Just post a recipe that day for a holiday goodie -- any goodie. 
It doesn't have to be for cookies… or even be sweet.
We do not discriminate against any goodie.
(We are equal opportunity consumers around here.)

That's pretty much all there is to it.

The single catch is that there's only one way to get your name in the official list of participants: You have to contact me (Jz) by Monday, Dec. 7th with both your name and the address of your blog.  

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Thriving

Punishments have definitely increased, in frequency and pain.

He says to put the plug in at 10am everyday, and he means it. No excuses. Don't get me wrong, I can ask to put it in later or not at all, but it's gotta be for a good reason. And if he allows me to put it in later, it would do me good not to forget it all together...
He says to wear thongs everyday (unless I'm on my period), and he means it. No excuses. 
He says to get my chores done before I do anything recreational, and he means it. Absolutely, no excuses (trust me, I've tried to find a way around this for many a day).
He says to call him if I want to spend more than the allotted allowance and, boy, he really means it.

I have a rather large bruise and some marks to prove he means business.

We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto.

So, I asked him, "What made you decide to punish me more?"

First off, know that I asked at, what might be, the worst possible time. Not only was his mind elsewhere (on business), but I was feeling kinda emotional. I know to be careful about what I ask when I'm that way...I know I need to take his reply without blowing it up into something else. I know this, but the question came out before I could remind myself of that. Sometimes, I just need to talk!...

He made the change because of me.

Right away, that voice told me, "See, I told you! You're totally mess up and you're forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do."

I could feel my emotions start to boil...

Instead of letting it get to a full boil, I waited to talk to him some more, after his work-day was done.

Yeah, I feel kinda awesome. :)

It turns out, if he didn't want to do it, he wouldn't. He said that some of it takes some getting used to...I think my reaction is what he is mostly concerned about. And making sure he's not going to break my ass. Lol.

I'm thriving.
He wants me to thrive.

Sometime near the end of our conversation, he told me that he would like to see someone else punish me... at that point, my brain turned to mush and I finished cooking dinner. :)

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Lurkers...I Love Ya'

If you don't already know, it is the Love Our Lurkers event!

First off, I want to thank Hermione for making this happen! I encourage everyone to stop by her place, as her blog is full of fun.

I really enjoy this blogging event--not only do I get to say thank you for reading my words, see all the hustle and bustle around blogland, and find some new blogs to follow, but all of you lurkers get a chance to say hello...and maybe even think about starting a blog of your own. ;)

Blogging has its ups and downs just like everything else, but when I struggle, it is you -the reader- that keeps me going. I adore getting comments (talk about a confidence booster) and to see my numbers rise...it really makes me feel special. So, thank you!

For some, myself included, commenting can be so stressful. Each comment I make is not done without effort. Sometimes, I will write out a lengthy one and delete the whole thing for one reason or another and leave just a few words, or nothing at all. If you've ever wanted to comment and stopped yourself, please know there is no need for that at my place. Anonymous or not, I would love to hear what you have to say, even if you disagree with me (I find different point of views interesting and I'm open to new ways of thinking).

For the rest of you that don't stress about it... What's the hold up?! Comment, would ya'? :)

Even better than commenting, how about you start your own blog? Reading and writing have saved my sanity. Seriously. This is where I go to feel normal -to be around people like me- and I would love to have more people around. :) I have benefited greatly from sharing my thoughts and I bet you would too. Think about it.

I hope, whether you keep lurking or not, that you enjoy this time created for you!

Now, take a second to say hello, so I can thank you for being one of my lurkers...please! :)


Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Do You Feel Submissive Now?

Daddy has been showing his concern for my submissive feelings. So sweet of him...

It started in the basement when he tied me up after many days of struggle. He used rope and a hook in the ceiling to keep my hands lifted and behind my back, so they wouldn't get in the way. He beat me for failing to do what few things he asks of me...and because I needed it. The tears were starting to dry when he started playing...

"Do you feel submissive now, whore?" 

Well, yeah! Duh. He didn't have to ask, he knew.

I was tied up in the basement another night, this time with my arms up and spread, my legs spread just the same, making an X shape. He left me there for awhile and came back to whack me with the crop...

"Do you feel submissive now?" 

If duct tape wasn't covering my mouth he would have seen the huge grin form on my face, but all he got was a nod and a mumble that sounded something like, "Yes, Daddy."

He has checked in to verify my feelings after using my ass, and denying me, and playing with my boobs, and all kinds of fun stuff.

Told you--his concern is so sweet. ;)

Kidding aside, his expectations have heightened and my head couldn't be clearer. It is amazing how that works.
I'm scared I will fall back into that hole, and I probably will, but at least I know he is here to pull me out. 

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Scary Shit

This past week was difficult, to say the least, however I think it was good for us--it was a learning experience.

Sometimes I want to blame him, but I think it's easier to see fault in others rather than ourselves, don't you think?

About half way through I stopped blaming him and started looking at myself.

Yes, I beat myself up pretty good, but in the mist of that I also realized I can't do it by myself. All these years I've been able to handle myself, by myself. I didn't have to talk it out or cry it out. I didn't need to be straightened out. I just pushed it off, no big deal.

As it turns out, all that "pushing it off to the side" I did...I'm paying for now. And so is he. *head desk* It is painfully clear that I can no longer push it away.

There is so much about this that I hate. It feels wrong to need his help and rely on him. Even more so, to ask for help and explain why I need it. It feels so wrong that I've convinced myself that he must not want to help, because what a pain in the ass it must be! I also feel that I'm beyond repair, beyond hope, which doesn't help in the slightest.

He wants to be needed though. I'm not putting him out by asking for a little help. In fact, my asking might stop him from feeling like he has failed me...he takes on so much responsibility...

So the issue isn't that he doesn't want to help, but that I don't know how to talk. I don't know how to be open. You see, inside I'm on my knees, naked and begging for help, while on the outside I'm playing a part. The wall between the two has become much thinner and a big part of me is fighting to keep that wall where it is because I don't know how to be whatever I am on the other side.