Saturday, November 7, 2015

Scary Shit

This past week was difficult, to say the least, however I think it was good for us--it was a learning experience.

Sometimes I want to blame him, but I think it's easier to see fault in others rather than ourselves, don't you think?

About half way through I stopped blaming him and started looking at myself.

Yes, I beat myself up pretty good, but in the mist of that I also realized I can't do it by myself. All these years I've been able to handle myself, by myself. I didn't have to talk it out or cry it out. I didn't need to be straightened out. I just pushed it off, no big deal.

As it turns out, all that "pushing it off to the side" I did...I'm paying for now. And so is he. *head desk* It is painfully clear that I can no longer push it away.

There is so much about this that I hate. It feels wrong to need his help and rely on him. Even more so, to ask for help and explain why I need it. It feels so wrong that I've convinced myself that he must not want to help, because what a pain in the ass it must be! I also feel that I'm beyond repair, beyond hope, which doesn't help in the slightest.

He wants to be needed though. I'm not putting him out by asking for a little help. In fact, my asking might stop him from feeling like he has failed me...he takes on so much responsibility...

So the issue isn't that he doesn't want to help, but that I don't know how to talk. I don't know how to be open. You see, inside I'm on my knees, naked and begging for help, while on the outside I'm playing a part. The wall between the two has become much thinner and a big part of me is fighting to keep that wall where it is because I don't know how to be whatever I am on the other side.

12 comments:

  1. Powerful! There is so much about this that is beyond powerful. As I read this, I could hear my voice as the and my Master's response, "now you are getting it."

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    1. Hs, it is so hard to let it sink in.

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  2. ((hugs)) Misty, there is nothing wrong with needing, and asking for help. As you said, he wants to help. Lean on him, it's what he wants, and you can do it.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Roz, I really hate asking for help though! But, if he wants to help and if it will stop the downward spiral from being so bad, I'll do it. :)

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  3. I had built up walls meant to last a life time. I am sill surprised today that Maste stuck it out long enough to tear then down. It was not easy...it took way longer than it should have...i needed those walls (or so i thought). You are getting there...and i can say...life is better without those walls. Do i even today always run to Master for help...no, but is He always willing to help....yes.
    Hang in there my friend....
    hugs abby

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    1. abby, we put those walls there for a reason and they feel so comfortable! I think you're right in finding life is better without them, I'm sure it could/will be the same for me, but it's just so freakin' scary.

      Thanks for all your comments, abby!

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  4. I very much understand this Misty. You blogging about it is HUGE! Keep allowing that wall to crumble down- say as much as you can every time you can. When you think he doesn't need to hear it- that is the time you need to say it the most. Hugs to you!!

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    1. Pearl, but it's so hard to talk when you don't think you need to! You are very right though and it would do me a whole lot of good to remember that.

      Hugs!

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  5. Well I had decided to comment on this post ( as often I confess I am just a lurker on your blog) then I read Amy's comment...eek. ANYWAY...

    I want to say Thank you because I can send this post to my husband. I know exactly how you feel. It never ceases to amaze me that our dynamics vary so vastly in this community, yet our feelings/emotions/insecurities are all so similar in many areas.

    I become terrified at putting myself out there, ie pushing the curtain back to expose the deepest, truest part of me. What if he rejects me? And I don't mean literally, I mean responds in a way I don't expect. When I feel exposed it is almost as if I am looking for a reason to close that curtain shut again. I would imagine at times for him it is like taking the first step into a mind field. True I am often disappointed, but truthfully I do that to myself. After the dust has settled we do find ourselves with a greater understanding of each other AND ourselves....( ideally anyway otherwise it is rinse and repeat until we get it right.LOL)

    As far as the other side, I am beginning to realize behind every curtain there seems to be another. Exciting and terrifying all at once. I think maybe by the sounds of it you have a curtain now and not a wall, so opening and closing it in the future might be faster and easier. That woman on her knees on the other side, she might come into view like a room with a strobe light. I think this is a natural progression if you allow it to happen. No 'ripping the bandaid' off this time. Some things need to evolve. ( That is my hope anyway!)

    Good luck with your evolution, and your trust in yourself to allow it to happen

    willie

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    1. willie, I am SO glad you decided to comment.

      When I feel exposed I react the same way! Sometimes, if he doesn't react the way I want, insignificant things can make me want to go searching for bricks to build walls back up, but, oh boy, watch out if I find it super important! I'm going to see it as a minefield from now on, I've been think of it as walking on egg shells (your way is more accurate. Lol.)

      It doesn't feel like I have a wall up anymore...a curtain actually fits it really well! It scares me to know my wall isn't there, I feel so unprepared. Evolution...you know, it calms me to see it that way because I am no where near ready to be fully exposed!!!

      Thanks again for your comment. I would say more, but I'm getting an evil eye. :)

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  6. Hugs! I know the struggle all too well... Great insightful post.

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    1. little girl, it is nice not to be alone in this--I know you know how I feel. Thank you!

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