Thursday, December 3, 2015

Beautiful Acceptance

I think it is easy for us to misjudge and forget the weight of acceptance, all variations of acceptance. It undoubtably surrounds us, a lack of it (though a lack isn't always a bad thing) and a great importance for it.

Thinking back to darker days, I realize now that I never accepted my life or myself. I fought it with everything I had, until I was almost nothing. 

I refused to be broken by a monster. I refused to give him yet more power over me. I refused to accept the trauma of it.

By refusing to accept, I was doing the very thing I was trying to avoid.

Fact is:
I am not who I wanted to be. 
My life wasn't what I wanted and, despite what I told people, it wasn't okay.
I was broken by a monster. 
It was a great trauma that most definitely affected me and my decisions, for years.

I played the part I wanted to be and, after some practice, I believe that I did it well. 

The type of power exchange I want, the kind I need, requires deep honesty and openness. Through this I have come to realize these things.

His acceptance of me had to come first. 

Or, better yet, I had to accept the possibility that he could accept me for all that I am, for all that I am not, and all that my life was, before I could start to accept myself. 

As my true pieces were revealed and as they continue to unravel before my own eyes and his, I see that...

I am thankful that I am not who I wanted to be.
My life is not what I wanted, it is more.
My brokenness may have come from a vile beast, but it has made me a beautiful and unique creature.
Trauma has given me the opportunity to see the world through many different colors--some dark, some bright, but I'm thankful for them all just the same.

Acceptance is indeed powerful. Do not step over it lightly.




11 comments:

  1. Amazing and beautiful Misty. I am not sure I can say more. This post is so loving to yourself and all that makes you uniquely YOU. love LOVE love this post and how important this is for you.
    XOXO Pearl

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    1. Pearl, thank you so much! I still have a little ways to go, but this feels huge.

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  2. Acceptance, on of the hardest things to achieve.....Takes a lot of work and trust....Love this post and am so happy for you.
    hugs abby

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    1. abby, it is so hard that I think we tend to overlook it...or at least I did! Lol.

      Thank you!!

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  3. Yes, yes, yes!!!
    You are so very much awesome.

    "Or, better yet, I had to accept the possibility that he could accept me for all that I am, for all that I am not, and all that my life was, before I could start to accept myself. "

    ^^ This sounds like to me that *you* did in fact find acceptance of yourself first^^

    Huge hugs, Misty!

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    1. Bleu, as I was writing this, the thought did cross my mind, so I pondered on it some more after your comment...and I'm thoroughly confused. Lol. I think you might be right though...

      Anyway, it doesn't really matter what came first, I'm here! :)

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  4. You know I brought a past into our relationship. Nothing like what you hint at by any means, but a past that effects me, him, us. I have triggers, that I have only began to fully understand since starting ttwd. Triggers, that I have tried to vocalize and sometimes have failed to my husband and it has sent me, him , us careening off into a direction neither of us anticipated.

    Anyway, I have often felt 'broken' inside. I have even as recently as last month worried I was 'too much' for him, or for anyone really. It wasn't until I said those words, through snot and tears, " I don't want to be too much" that another window was open to him, Another opportunity to side step future 'landmines' if you will, and to ultimately understand me better.

    Blah, blah, blah...enough about me. I suppose I should have just said, I get it. I get it and it isn't easy to GET yourself. It isn't easy to see yourself as they do, not as broken, but as scarred and that is okay. Would I change my past? Sometimes I'd say yes, but the further away I get from it, the more I am like you and can see how it has allowed me to be the person I am now. Scars and all.

    Wonderful Misty!
    willie

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    1. willie, first off, can I just say, I am so happy you decided to start commenting here?

      I find it so interesting how ttwd opens us up and reveals our long packed away baggage...it seems to come out whether you want it to or not. You may not have had the same experiences, but I do not underestimate what you lived through.

      I'm glad you didn't just say, I get it! That feeling of being "too much"...makes me want to throw up. I have let it cripple me, as well. I felt that I was broken beyond repair. I was worried that he would go running for the hills once he realized just how broken I was. But, it was me that wanted to run from it, his feet have always been firmly grounded. I do believe admitting to it, steers us towards acceptance.

      lil, at Submissive Sanctuary, wrote something that has stuck with me these last couple years..."how can one not appreciate a man who values damaged property like a rare misprint?" (it took me forever to find that, btw. Lol) When she wrote that, it meant something else to me, but I get it now.

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  5. Hi Misty,

    I have been awol as you know and I just wanted to say thank you so much for your emails and support, It means so much.

    Wow, what a wonderful, beautiful post to come back to :)

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Roz, I wish I could give you more than emails and support! It is so weird not seeing your comments! Yeah, I might be a little selfish. ;)

      Thank you!

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