Monday, December 28, 2015

Subpression and Vulnerability at its Best

I don't know what you call it, but that's what I'm going to call it.

Subpression.

I can only speak for what I've experienced...

There are different levels, much like depression.

Sometimes, it is merely hard to smile. Other times, it's hard to move, at all.

You might find that you can still stand up and get on with your day.

Then again, you might find yourself alone in the dark, on the bathroom floor, covered only with a towel, crying for much longer than you want to admit, because it hurts that bad. Crying for a million reasons (that continuously ricochet in your head like small metal pellets, doing absolutely no good whatsoever), but it's mostly because you fear that you are too much and not enough.

When I realized who I was When I realized what seed was inside me, the barriers, the layers upon layers of deadly protection started to fall. I have a (pointless) fear that I only have a shell of what I once had, and sometimes I kinda want it all back. I'm so happy, but life has come with a price, vulnerability.

Not only am I learning who I am (and how to be okay with who I am), but I'm learning to feel through vulnerability. Living  is amazing, to say the least, but it is hard and scary feeling with clarity after so many years of feeling through murk.

Everything, the good and bad, is magnified. I imagine it would be like someone who was color blind, seeing colors for the first time. Except that's the nice way to see it. You might also compare it to the difference between a needle pricking your finger and a dagger through the gut. The good is out of this world, but so is the bad.

So, with vulnerability has come subpression. And the best advice I have thus far, if you happen to find yourself in the mist or downpour of it, is to let yourself cry and (no matter how painful you might think it will be) continue to do things that feed your submission, do it because it makes you feel good. You already have enough reasons to beat yourself up, don't go throwing more on the plate.

So, yeah, subpression. It's real and it sucks.



8 comments:

  1. Misty, you are not alone. And I like your newly invented word subpression. It's really hard to live life being vulnerable. It scares the dickens out of me. Make sure you talk about it to your man. It is his job to help you with these emotions. And he can't help you properly if he doesn't know. He needs to make you feel safe instead of vulnerable and he needs to help chase away the demons of what was. I am hoping that you will experience these feelings less and less. Being in a slave/owner relationship is one of the toughest kind of relationships that I have ever seen. I will be thinking of you.

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    1. Blondie, we have talked, but it wasn't something I could manage until I felt a little better about myself. I don't know, maybe with time and experience I will get better at talking while I'm in the thick of it? I'm absolutely terrified of feeling that way again, so much so that I'm not sure how to go forward...I told him I need a plan, and a backup plan, and a backup plan to that plan. Lol. I really do believe we are going in the right direction and I trust him, it's just one hell of a road!

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  2. "Subpression" is a clever word, Misty.

    I agree with Blondie's comment above--you are not alone, and your Dom will be much better equipped to help you if you talk with him. We have gone through up and down cycles many times in our household, and the down parts are never fun. Hope it gets better!

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    1. Jake, I was able to talk to him once I started feeling better about myself. There's just something that makes it kinda impossible to talk (to make myself more vulnerable), when I'm already so fragile. I'm in a much better place, especially after talking.

      Thank you for taking the time to comment. Hope you stop by again sometime.

      It helps so much to know that I'm not alon

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  3. Me again ;) . I um, disagree. Don't think of it as subpression. Think of it as a PAUSE. You need time to accept what is happening, and that is beyond normal.


    Picture yourself entering a cold lake. At first the water is warm and inviting, but as you step deeper, the temperature cools. You know you want to be refreshed by it, yet there are so many unknowns. The first thing you have to do however is acclimatize your body to the intense temperature difference. ONE STEP AT A TIME. Move deeper, stop, recognize the change, breathe through it, do that hyper (OMFG) this is cold jump ..LOL. Perhaps you have to take a step back to more familiar territory to warm up again if it is too intense, but know that you have stepped forward into the deep before and it was okay.

    Vulnerability is a double edge sword. You crave it, yet you are terrified of it. Terrified to have it and terrified to lose it. I am not always sure that my husband fully understands what exactly it means and how raw I can feel, because at times I too am so very confused by it all. At the very least I tell him that. The scary thing is trying to explain and fear he doesn't grasp it all, as that has happened many times over here, yet I still plug on..( um no pun intended *wink* )

    While I am certainly not out of the woods yet, by a LONG shot, as far as being able to openly embrace my vulnerability and not fear it, I am getting better. On the spectrum I now lean so much more toward 'terrified of losing it' than ' terrified of it'.

    Continue to 'water' that seed of yours Misty, and make sure it gets plenty of light, because in the not so distant future it is going to provide you with all the nourishment you need! ( You my dear friend have the power within....use it)

    willie

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    1. willie, that is a much more positive way to view it!

      It is hard to explain what vulnerability does to you. I haven't really handled it well, however I think I will be more aware, which I think will help. Well, I hope it will. :) I'm terrified of it, at the moment.
      I also know that have to talk to him *before* it gets too hard to talk. Better yet, I need to communicate better as a whole. But, let's take one thing at a time!

      Thank you, so much, for your help!

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  4. Dead on point...more often than not lately

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    1. DaniS, good to see you back here :)

      Sorry to hear this has been happening to you, especially more often than not. Hope it gets better!

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