Friday, December 18, 2015

The Monthly Fall

I'm beyond confused.

I just...

Don't understand.

I don't know if it's me. I don't know if it's him. I don't know if it's us.

But...

I can't do it anymore.

Every month, I fall. Every month.

Okay, I only made it about six months back before I couldn't take it anymore. I know there have been many more falls...

The last fall was a bad one. Sometimes I can hold it together, this time I couldn't.

I can't handle it anymore. It shouldn't happen every effing month! It shouldn't, but it does.

It's not PMS. It's not a feather knocking me in the head or the wind blowing the wrong way.

There is more to the pattern, but I'm not going to talk about it. I'm too emotional and lacking logic...in other words, my judgment is cloudy.

So...

I'm not doing anything that could lead to a fall.

Which is pretty much everything I love about D/s.

Examples:
I wouldn't let him tie me up or use the cane.
When he mentioned the mess in the house, I told him he could pick it up.
When he told me to take my pants off, I told him I didn't want to and I didn't.
If he wanted to punish me, I wouldn't let him.

I do put on the collar every night and the plug in every day, but only because I don't want him to think I'm forcing his hand. I'm not defiant.

Basically, I'm starving my submission. I know it won't ever go away, but I can stomp it back down to a seed.

It's better than falling.

Yes, it is that bad.

17 comments:

  1. I'm afraid I'm a bit lost, not knowing what you mean by "falling." But, you certainly sound down. And I'm sorry that you do. I hope that you can gain some clarity and start feeling better about things soon. (((hugs)))

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    1. Lilli, thank you so much. I hope it turns around soon, too.

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    1. Bleue, hugs are needed, thank you.

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  3. Breathe....then breathe again. When you are feeling calm..talk, talk, talk....find a plan that you both agree with...and..big HUGS...
    hugs abby

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    1. abby, I come up for a breath every once in awhile. I've said as much as I can, it's his turn to talk.

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  4. ((Hugs)) Misty, I hope you feel better about things soon.

    Roz

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  5. There is nothing easy about what you are going through. Nothing. But you are loved, even when YOU struggle to love you. Don't forget that.

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  6. "I'm not doing anything that could lead to a fall.

    Which is pretty much everything I love about D/s."

    So do you mean/think it is every 3 weeks or so you get on such a 'roll' or not that your vulnerability, or your 'exposure' within is so high it scares you? Do you feel like you are raw and yet you can't or aren't projecting that outward so your husband hasn't the ability to SEE you?

    Obviously I am not in the know like many, but I do know that my exposure/rawness/vulnerability crescendos, and it isn't PMS. Far from it actually. After a rhythm, if you will, I become so heightened, yet terrified with my, or what is the word I am searching for here, exposure/awareness of my core being, that I am terrified to both have it and lose it. Does my husband see a difference? Probably not, that is why I tend to go the other way, "feel free to pick up the house yourself then" type stuff. Testing? Perhaps, but not really. Protecting? Maybe.

    Okay admittidly my comment is probably as confusing as your post! lol

    Even if I am WAY off base, I will say that I do know the 'I can't do it anymore" the fall that is. The worst, when you know it is coming. You even know that you will learn from it or grow in some tiny way AFTER, but God almighty you don't WANT to go through it again.

    Here's hoping you can navigate your way through quickly.

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    1. willie, I think vulnerability (exactly as you describe it) is a factor--I think I crash so hard because of how vulnerable I become, but I don't think that's *why* I crash.

      Okay, so, this is how I'm seeing it, which may or may it be how it is... We are great for a week or two. Then, something happens (something that I'm not seeing) and all those things that have me thriving...stops. I try to hang on, because if he wanted to do those things he would (right?), days turn into weeks, and it messes with my head in a very serious way. That's when I fall--sometimes are worse than others. He will turn back on the D/s and the whole thing starts over. Every freaking month this happens. After this last time, I looked back and saw the pattern. I told him what I found. I don't place blame on him or I, because I'm not sure anyone is to blame, but something is happening that needs to stop. Anyway, it's been almost two weeks since I told him what I found. I'm not doing anything that will put me back in that bad place until there is some kind of plan laid out.

      Honestly, I'm getting the impression that he does D/s (everything but the sex) to pacify me...but, again, I'm an emotional wreck so I could very well be way off.

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    2. Misty, for whatever reason when I click on your email link, my computer won't link to an address. Barney and I had a VERY similar situation ( oh look at me saying HAD pfft. Regularly encounter this). Last week I had a MAJOR meltdown concerning my NEED for HIM to NEED this.

      But as this is YOUR blog I don't want to take over, if you want to hear about it and see if it resonates with you, shoot me an email (wilma.barney@gmail.com) and I'll fill you in on the entire sorted mess. FYI, we are on the other side now, but I know all about the 'Coasting' as I refer to it as.

      willie

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    3. Sorry I am reading this kinda late. Hugs to you and hope things have maybe gotten a little better!

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    4. little girl, thank you! Things are a little better.

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