Sunday, November 6, 2016

A Sacrifice of Life for Love

I was so empty before, no direction or purpose, just filled up space in time.

I searched for a piece of hay in a heaps of straw. Seems fitting that the hay was stuck in my hair the whole time, that all I had to do was look in the mirror.

But, I found it!

I finally found who I was and a place where could belong. A place where my soul could be fed and I could grow into me.

Life pumped into my poisoned veins and I felt for the first time in I don't even know how long. Tears, so many tears, filled with hate and love. History came crashing back and I was there, bare and raw in the middle of my storm.

I made it out, albeit in pieces. It was messy. I still am messy. I will always be broken, in my own little way.

I thought my brokenness could be used and appreciated, because it's fluid - easy like a drunk slut on Halloween, thriving on a pinch of attention.

I thought my soul could shine, not like the sun, but like moonlight on a black night. It's strong, eager, and capable of many things when tended to.

It wasn't meant to be. The signs were there, I just needed to step away from the mirror.

I'm back to empty and abandoned.
Back to filling space in time and doing it on my own.
Back to a person that fills a spot on the couch, because it's impossible to find a spot at his feet that doesn't exist.

Friday, October 28, 2016

Never Forgotten

It is still quite painful but, yesterday I only let a few tears escape. I caught them, sucked them up, pushed them down and refocused. It was an improvement that today will not have, perhaps tomorrow...

We're slipping back into what we once were, more friends than lovers. I don't think he's happy, however, I'm pretty sure he prefers it this way--I don't feel the same stressed out vibe he once gave off. He sees my pain, and I see him look away.

As for me, well...the real me goes back in the box. I'm packing her up and putting her in a safe, dark, climate controlled corner. I will peek in on her from time-to-time, just to let her know that I haven't forgotten and she's still special to me.

All is not lost though. I will self-improve and be the best mom I can be.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Since that night at the ballpark, I haven't wanted anyone else. Even now, when my heart is all battered and bruised, I just want him. I want his arms around me and the world to be just us...

He was right, I did want him to change. I thought we could change together and grow together--make a new and improved us.

I have grown these last few years. I have a better understanding of who I am and why I am, with that has come acceptance. I needed it, ya' know?

I think it might be better to accept that this can't be right now. We are still (kinda) young, hopefully we have a lot of time left...I know how time can evolve perspective...maybe this can happen in the future...

I'm not saying good-bye to the blog, in case you were wondering. I don't know how often I will use it, but it will be here, when I want it. Maybe I can figure out how to get my brain to do the fiction thing...

I can't read other blogs right now. I can't handle the good because they point out what I don't have--salt on a open wound kind of thing. I can't handle the bad because I absorb that shit and I have enough weight at the moment. I feel pretty horrible about this.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

A Mistaken Old Rock

I don't want to be the gem that sits on top a pedestal for admiration, roped off, lights illuminating facets, only touched by those the gem called upon. As beautiful as they are, as lucky as they are, full of worth and glory, that is not where I belong.

I am a precious stone mistaken for an old rock, not worth the dirt it sits on, passed over, stepped on and kicked around. A stone built sturdy and true by time and fire.

Oh, to be seen! I want to be seen!

A glimmer through the dirt, the right moment in time in which someone sees what could be...

No, they see what is.

A jewel that silently calls to be picked up, cleaned up, and thought upon.
A jewel that is to be softened with love, shaped by vision, and polished with want.
A jewel that wants to be what the finder needs, because they were the one that saw more than an old useless rock.

A diamond in the rough.

I want to be held in a pocket, kept safe and warm, close to my finder. Touched throughout the day, to be there when needed, always.

I want to be kicked around and stepped on, treated like I was made to be treated. Then, polished and set upon a shelf until called again.




Wednesday, October 5, 2016

A Step

I'm readjusting and taking on a new focus.

I still feel stranded, I can work through it though. I can. I am. I am trying.

I need to do things that make me feel...something other than what I feel.

I'm knitting. There's ideas and creative wheels turning. It's a good zone for me to be in.

I'm running, again. I stopped because it didn't seem important anymore. I was wrong, it is important. The burn in my legs, the air in my lungs, the sweat on my brow, and the satisfaction of finishing, it reminds me that I'm alive and capable. And I'm (kinda) strong.

Most important (and because I don't have time for more), I'm working on being pleasing and pleasuring him. It's not easy with this clawing in my chest, but I'm going to fucking do this, I'm going to be that, come hell or high water.

I can succeed here. I need to succeed.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

I think when someone is interested in something, they want to learn more about it and they actually make an effort to learn about said interest...because they are interested in it.

He has not made moves to learn what goes on past the surface of D/s.
He says he wants to learn, but he's too busy. There's more important stuff to do, like watching sports and playing a game (Yes, I'm hurting). I know there's the business and loads of work that comes with having a house and kids, but I have that shit too, and I've managed to make time.

I've told him countless times what I think would help and why. I've told him my view...this is not fucking babysitting (FYI, I am an adult). He listens to me, but nothing comes of it.

The fact that I feel this way - that I'm hurt and angry, and I just want to be worth the fucking effort - makes me feel even worse. Like I'm the worst (imaginary) slave, ever.

He can watch his sports and play his game, and do whatever the fuck he wants to do, I want him to have that.

I can't help but feel neglected though.
I can't stop how I feel.
I can't stop wanting what I want.

The rule, that I'm not allowed to tell him no, was total bullshit. Like I knew it would be and hoped it wouldn't be.

I'm pretty sure he's given up on me.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

To Protect Thyself, Or To Not Protect Thyself?

I'm protective of myself. I think we all are, to a point. At one time I wasn't, then life happened, and at some point habit turned into instinct.

The worst part of it, the need to protect myself is stronger with people I care about and love. People that know my past. People that I should feel comfortable with. But, you see, those are the people that can hurt me the most...

It's not his fault. He is paying for it though.

I get incredibly insecure at times. It's like an unexpected hurricane that I don't know what to do with.

Little things turn into big things. As in, my world is crumbling, big things. But it's not really, it's the damn hurricane spinning my thoughts into something else.

Like when I find out he hasn't read my blog in a month, I want to go private so he can't read here, ever. Another way of saying, "fuck you, too." I know that is my protective instinct and insecurity lashing out. Obviously, I would only be hurting myself if I went private (especially if he isn't reading here anyway), but in the moment...hurricane.

I'm working on it. I'm working on recognizing it and inching my way through.

He let me sit as his feet a couple nights ago while we were watching a show, Hell on Wheels, on Netflix. I say he "let me" because it feels like a treat to be there when he tells me to, but I can sit on the floor anytime I'd like. He put the leash on me as well. Later that night, the clamps went on--they hurt so fucking bad and he wouldn't let me take them off. He pulled my hair so that my head was tilted back, which ends up pulling the clamps that are attached to my collar. I was sure I'd be half bald and short two nipples by the time we were done (I'm not, btw). And, he was slapping my pussy. All of this was going on at once and I could only feel him and pain, and life was good.

The next day, I was sitting there thinking of how great it felt to have those moments of...being me. And I knew he needed to know how I felt (because you've all told me this). So I had a choice, protect myself, or not.

I humbled myself and sent him a text (I am no where near saying that out loud!).

"Thank you for last night. I needed it."

His reply?


*grin and blush*

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Looking Through Mud

It's confusing, you know?!

One second, it's this problem, and the next it's another problem. Then I end up wondering if those problems are really problems or if they are a result of a bigger problem. Maybe it's not even a big problem. Maybe it's little problems that manifest with the other little problems.

I don't fucking know.

Communication is clearly a big problem. 
My guilt is a big problem.
I feel like he's not into this, and that's a big problem. 

I used to be easy going. It's unfair that I lost that, don't you think? It would be super useful now. 

It's hard talking about what I want and what I think I need because I don't want that to get in the way of what he wants...but he wants me to be happy...and what would make me happy is to do what he wants to do. 

I have a new rule, I'm not allowed to say no. 

And my plug schedule has changed.

And I get to wear my collar while the kids are at school. 

Yes, I have almost three hours a day without kids. I forgot what it was like. 

Saturday, September 10, 2016


I haven't taken away anything that was there before. What I have taken away is the, "maybe this time it will be different."

There is no "this time" now.

I still want it. That will not change. Not ever.

Part of the problem is that I put pressure on myself to get everything right, all the time. Anything less than, makes me feel pretty bad, and I have no where to put that guilt. It just piles up until I can't see past it.

I screwed up so much when I was a kid, and people made me feel bad for it, like it was all my fault. You know, because a thirteen year old should know better...
I couldn't focus on school or doing the right thing because I was too busy trying to survive. I survived by numbing myself with drugs. All of those times weigh on me.

Presently, I put a lot into being honest, doing the right thing, getting it right, and giving my all.
It's still not enough.

I know where I go wrong. I know when I screw up. I'm not a fucking idiot.

I have no where to put my guilt and I have no solution to...get better. It's a perfect recipe for disaster.

I do the best I can on my own, just like I always have. Yes, that best sucks, but I know I can be more, I just need something or someone to be more for. I just fucking do.

As far as I'm concerned, if rules are not going to be enforced, than they shouldn't be there.

Rules and requests are two different things, by the way.

If he requests I shave at least every other day, that's awesome, I can do that, just trust that I will do my best and let it go when I don't.

If it is a rule, that I need shave every other day, than I need it to be enforce. If I don't get it done, I need a way to pay for my mistake. And it doesn't work if it's just a threat...threatening without following through will always send me to a really bad place. 

I already want to be perfect for him, I want him to be pleased with me all the time. I don't need the fear of punishment to do what he asks or to do it well. 

It's hard to do much of anything when you use most of your strength carrying guilt. I need consequences in place so I can let mistakes go.

I'm not proud of this.

Monday, September 5, 2016


I've been doing a 30-days of Submission on my other blog. I posted this over there as well, but thought this place needed a break from all the gloom.

4) Do you switch into a dominant role at any time?
If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?

Nope, I've never switched, but I have thought about it. Is there anyone interested in BDSM that hasn't?

The only way I see myself in a dominant role is through submission. Being on that side of the slash just doesn't appeal to me. Like, at all. But, please don't misread, it may not appeal to me but I do see the appeal.

I feel warm and fuzzy when I'm useful and used. The mere thought of him (or anyone else for that matter) serving me, kinda makes me sick to my stomach. It would be torturous to have him sit at my feet or see him mop the floors. Yeah...I'm pretty sure I couldn't handle that.

Even with another submissive, I'd struggle to be dominant.

But, who knows, maybe there's a Domme in me just waiting for the right time to appear. ;)

Sunday, September 4, 2016

I'm Hanging On Tight

I'm so close to crashing. It would be easy to fall off the edge and let darkness consume me, but I'm fighting it with all my strength. I refuse to give in.

Mostly, I feel numb or hazy, but the clawing in my chest stays to remind me...

I'm doing things that make me feel good. And I'm trying to keep a balance so I don't feel like I've neglected anything.

I'm also trying to figure out my limits. I need a line and if he can't draw one than I'm going to. (*sigh* This goes against what I want to be.)

 I thought it would be easy to separate bedroom from daily life, but I'm just not sure where one starts and the other ends.

Thinking on it a bit further, I know where that line is, I just don't know...what I can handle, ya' know?

I'm not going to stop making his coffee...

The other night, he came in late and wanted me to make him some food. I didn't because I was tired and the bed was so soft. I should've gotten up though...

Serving him makes me feel good, so I'm not going to stop.

Chores and the like... I will take care of it by myself. I don't want him to point out stuff that I'm not doing.

I can't do rules either.

Fuck, that makes me sad.

While he was gone, he had me put the plug in and send him a picture . The second night he told me to send him two pictures and to make them interesting. I sent four and did my best make them interesting, that felt really good. I even like the pictures.

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

The Blog Name

Obviously, it has changed.

It is my (irrational) way of screaming that I'm in pain.

I cannot stand to see that name. It pains me, like a dagger piercing through my soul.

This blog is a reflection of me. I'm here to be honest, not for you, but to be honest with myself. Before these pages started, I tried very hard to be someone I wasn't, I kept pieces of me in the darkest corner I could find and I ignored them. I can't stress how important it is to me to keep this honesty going. I cannot lose sight of what's inside me.

Yes, it's where I want to be, but the other name isn't where I am right now.

I don't have many places to express what's going on inside...the new name and new look has helped me express that. I do hope it's not permanent.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016


He started talking to me, then he got a call that led to him working out of town for a few days.

I feel a little better. Not because he's gone, but because I know what's on his mind, or part of it anyway.

I know he wants to make this work. And I'm still very open to making it work.

But, I'm still on guard, 'cause that's just how it's gotta be.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

The Way It Is

I told myself I wouldn't come here again to do this. *sigh*

I'm tired of coming here, every fucking month, to write about how I'm struggling.
I'm tired of wanting more and hating myself for it.
I'm just fucking tired.


"More" is off the table. We are just bedroom players now.

My soul can't handle it anymore.

Because I'm the s-side I have felt like I should adjust to his D-side...that's kind of our place, right? Walk the path he gives, make his expectations yours, etc., etc..

Well, he has given me a path to walk and I've given it my best for three years and six days. His path is a nice one, that should work (I'm sure it would work for many), but I've found that I can't force myself to be something I'm not. And he can't force himself to be something he's not.

It is what it is and we are what we are.

Monday, August 15, 2016

It's Been Awhile

I haven't been compelled to write, so I haven't, and I'm cool with that. Which is kinda strange. Nevertheless, I'm here now.

I'm just not sure what I want to say. :)

My emotions are still all over the place, but it's different, I have ways to manage. And that seems to have freed me up to focus more on positive things.

Daddy has been acting different too. He's had me sit at his feet, trim his nails, and all kinds of awesome stuff!
I've even done the dishes (a few times) in my underwear, high heels, collar, and the chained nipple clamps that run through the D-ring on my collar. And he wants them done in a specific way, it's not at all comfortable and I absolutely love it.

I just feel really good about where we are.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

I Can Be Full

I was once a child with holes.

There is a cavern for a father that protects with fierce love. Gaps in space and moments in time left empty because he should have been something he wasn't made to be. It's a place that keeps me from throwing away a birthday card I didn't even want.

"I do love you immensely."

Fuck. You.

And pain drips down my face.

Trust was carved out of my heart by a monster who wanted my innocence before I had a chance to know any different.

No one is who they seem.

Holes drilled through foundation by a mom, with love in her heart, whom lead me to believe I wasn't worth the fight. She blinded herself when I needed her the most.

"I don't know why I try."

She didn't try.

Now, I am an adult with holes.

Holes that couldn't be filled, until they could.

They are filled by him with love that looks cruel and care that looks like pain, in place that appears to be dark, but there is only light.

It's my shame that he has taken as his own. Something I don't deserve, but I will do my best to repay.

*          *          *

I must have underestimated the power in knowing I'm not alone. To know that someone really understands where I'm coming has made me feel like it will all be okay even when I'm not okay, which (I'm sure you know) is priceless. Thank you, fur, for being here.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

44 Odd Things You Don't Know About Me

I've never done one of these before, but saw this over at The Continued Journey and thought, what the heck, why not?

1. Do you like blue cheese? Yes, yes I do. Especially on a salad.
2. Have you ever smoked? Smoked what? ;) Yes, I have smoked.
3. Do you own a gun? Nope, but Daddy does. I shot a gun for the first time last year.
4. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Whatever sounds good in the moment.
5. Do you get nervous before Doctor visits? Sure, don't you?
6. What do you think of hot dogs? Is there anything else to eat?
7. Favorite Movie? I don't have one.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee, duh.
9. Do you do push ups? Sometimes. On my knees. They suck.  
10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? Does my collar count?   
11. Favorite hobby? Currently it is writing.   
12. Do you have A.D.D.?  I don't think so.   
13. What’s the one thing you dislike about yourself? I'm an introvert.   
14. What is your middle name?  What's your middle name?  
15. Name three thoughts at this moment… 1. I'm tired 2. Kids are really freakin' good at making a mess 3. Daddy thinks about work too much  
16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? I only have two, coffee and water. 
17. Current worry? The list is never ending.
18. Current annoyance right now?  Kids. 
19. Favorite place to be? It depends on my mood, outside or the basement.
20. How do you ring in the new year? I like to sleep.
21. Where would you like to go? My best friend's house.
22. Name three people who will complete this? Uh, not sure if anyone will...
23. Do you own slippers? I do. I'm not sure where they are, but they're here somewhere.
24. What color shirt are you wearing right now? Maroon.
25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? I care more about the bed than I do sheets.
26. Can you whistle? Kinda.
27. What are your favorite colors? All of them, but my favorite of favorites is yellow.
28. Would you be a pirate? Arrrr, matey. I would suck at being a pirate.
29. What songs do you sing in the shower? Whatever song is playing.
30. Favorite girls name? You can make me chose just one! I have two girls.
31. Favorite boys name? Daddy's name.
32. What’s in your pocket right now? If I had a pocket there wouldn't be anything in it.
33. Last thing that made you laugh? My kids.
34. Best toy as a child? A tree and some dirt.
35. Worst injury you ever had? I broke a bone in my hand, it was a small break. I've been incredibly lucky.
36. Where would you love to live? Anywhere with him would do just fine.
37. How many TV’s do you have? Two.
38. Who is your loudest friend? Laura. I miss hanging out with her.
39. How many dogs do you have? None. It has been over three years since I held my baby.
40. Does someone trust you? You'd have to ask them.
41. What book are you reading at the moment? The Nature Principle by Richard Louv.
42. What’s your favorite candy?  I live for chocolate.
43. What’s your favorite sports team? The ones in Dallas/Fort Worth, TX. No, I don't live there, and if you have any Cowboy jokes bring 'em on, I'll laugh with you. 
44. Favorite month? May...I guess.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Must. Stay. Rational.

I want more structure. I want to be held accountable for my actions. And I don't want to feel bad about that.

It feels like I'm walking around in circles, trying to do this and that, and ending up exactly where I was in the beginning, all that work for nothing.

This is not a stab at what he is not doing. Please, please, please see that.

His want trumps my want in so many ways--he didn't put that in place, it's the way I want it. No matter what I want, no matter how bad I want it, if he doesn't want it...I don't want him to change. I mean that.

I own the fact that I don't always have the best reaction to his requests, but I always have the best intention. My actions don't always reflect what's happening inside and I'm working on that. It would probably be easier for him if I was a bit more pleasing about it all.

We had twelve years to develop another way of living, so of course it is going to take time to get to something else.



I'm slipping into irrational territory.

I'm starting to worry that this isn't important to him. It touches a place from my childhood... "Am I not worth the effort?"

That's not fair to him, because he is putting forth effort. Lots of it. Which makes me feel like I'm too much work and I don't want to put more on his shoulders.


I need to stop beating myself up because I want more.

I want more, there is nothing wrong with that.
We are working on it.
We are doing this.
He wants this too.

I just gotta keep my cool.

Easier said than done.

Monday, July 25, 2016

A New Addition

I really meant to write this earlier, but more important posts came up--you know how that goes, right?

When I was in the mist of my last blogging funk and revamping this place (thanks again, willie!), I had an idea for a new place. Not one that would replace A Submission to Slavery, but a place that would kinda add to it, in a way.

I also want to get better at writing, and they say, "If you want to get better, you gotta write, a lot." I'm at this point where this whole journal blogging thing is comfortable (I found a voice!), however I ache for a challenge. I want to play with words!

Do I need another place for that? No, I just want one, okay?!

Well, I know all of you are so excited to see the new place (and its grand total of two posts) so here's the link, Bound to be Inspired.

FYI, I added a page that will take you there (look next to "Home") so you can find it in the future, or you can always add it to your blog roll.

Friday, July 22, 2016

The Core Component (In My Opinion)

Recently, I was over at Pygar's place, A Kind Dom, commenting about the word "play" and an anonymous person made a comment that I must write about. You can read here for the entire conversation, but this is the part that had my wheels spinning....
Previously, as part of a 24/7 dynamic, 'play' was the core defining component of the relationship. Isn't that what the lifestyle is ultimately all about? The physical thrill? Who is a person outside the scene? After play? 
No doubt about it, sex/play/scene/fun times/etc. has a firm place in this lifestyle. I feel that the majority of people want to see that aspect of it (we all know how sex sells) because it's fun and it feels good, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that (as long as you don't forget there's more to life than getting off).

But, is that the core of this lifestyle? No, I don't think it is. It's not for me. 

Our sexual orientation defines what kind of relationship we are in, it does not define our relationship. And, I think it is easy to lose sight of that, given the conditions of this lifestyle. 

Before Daddy, I had sexual non-kinky relationships, and that's all it When you start getting into committed relationships, where people are emotionally involved, you are in a totally different chapter book.

This lifestyle is far more complicated and involved than the "physical thrill". Of course, that's where it starts and stops with some, however, as far as I can see, it's so much more. Even if you are all about play, surely you can see more in others just as I can?

And, is it really the physical thrill we all love, or the mental thrill?

Who am I before, after, and in between play?

I'm a lot of different things that I'm not when we are playing and I do behave differently outside of our alone time. Life is full of responsibilities and obligations that take precedence over our dynamic, nonetheless, no matter what I am doing, I'm still his. And, you know what? He's mine, too. Not in the same sense, but he is mine, and I will no doubt turn into mama-bear if you mess with him. 

What is the core of our relationship?

To sum up what I could say in a thousand words... Persistent togetherness. Of course there is love, respect, and a lot of other things, however without persistent togetherness I don't think those other things would have held us together.

We hold onto each other like a tick to a hound dog, and that is why I ache to be everything he wants. It is what lurks behind the actions that put us in a power exchange relationship. He has my love because he sticks with me no matter what, not because he knows how to dominate me. Without that firm togetherness the physical thrill would pale in comparison.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

It's So Sad...

And it hurts to read, but please go comment here. It might help them just a little...

Oh, who am I kidding, it probably won't, but go anyway.

Sunday, July 17, 2016

It's Good, I'm Good, We're All Good

Part of my problem is that I don't know if I'm using it as a crutch or as a helping hand. Yes, yes, I could ask him where that line stands, but that would be too easy.

Perhaps it is my perspective that is off. Maybe it's not a crutch or a helping hand, maybe it's something else entirely.

I'm in danger of digressing.

He took me downstairs.

I was informed early in the day, therefore it wasn't a secret that I was "going to get it".

He tied my hands overhead and started with the magic wand. I was frustrated, 'cause I wasn't where I wanted to be mentally. I just felt blah, you know?

Off to a great start.

But, he had a plan!

Candles, were his plan.

You must know, I asked him about candles ages ago, and got my feelings hurt because he didn't seem interested.

After the wand had brought me to the point of pain and wax sprinkled my breasts (a few times), shoulders (I was standing), back, and bottom, he fucked me.

As I was picking off pieces of wax and letting them fall to the floor, when he said, "Don't forget to clean this up tomorrow."

Of course, I would be the one to clean it up (duh), but it put a smile on my face to hear it from him.

"When you get up stairs, take off your ankle cuffs. You can go ahead and take out the hook, too."

I took note that he didn't tell me to take off my wrist cuffs, and that made me smile too.

It wasn't a night when everything went perfectly, but it was perfect in itself. Definitely one that I would hate to forget.

The candles were thrilling. I knew I was safe, but still feared being burnt. Towards the end, my hands were tied to the bench so they were behind me a little, the anal hook was tied to the rafters above, duct tape was over my mouth, and I had wax dripping on me. If I didn't hold still, if I didn't offer what piece of skin he wanted...accidents happen, and I have skin and hair that I would like to keep! The fear was quite lovely.

And, as you would guess, today I'm in a good place. :)

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Ignoring Responsibilities?

Maybe I should write about not leaving blogland more often. :)
I love all the comments and interaction on my last post! Seriously, you guys are going to give me a big head.

I started in a hormonal funk, then moved to a blogging funk, now I'm in a I-have-too-much-shit-to-do funk.

I checked out two books at the library. Two! I knew better.
I found these free online courses, I signed up for five or six of them. (I want to learn, darn it!) All start at different times, but some overlap, there's three going on right now. I have no clue why I did that.
The house is a mess. I can't freaking keep up (kids...).
Weeds are starting to take over the garden again.
Summer is half over and I need to do more fun stuff with the girls. (Very important to me.)
I haven't been baking bread, or planning dinners (it's a rule *sigh*), or exercising.

The list just goes on and on.

"Why are you here blogging?" I hear you ask.

Because...I'm lazy? I don't know!

I know I'm overwhelmed by it all.
And I want to hide in front of the computer.

Someone died yesterday, while they were on vacation. And I can't do anything to help.

It's times like this that I want him to control me more.
I want to feel the (metaphorical) whip crack behind me.
I want to find a spot at his feet, and just be.

But, I feel like I should take care of my responsibilities before I ask for such things. Sure, I know it would help straighten my thoughts out, but I kinda wonder if it enables me, in a bad way...

That's it. I'm off to clean...or bake bread...or pull weeds...

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

I'm Not Leaving

There has been a string of people that have left, or are taking a break from blogging, or have just up and disappeared and, to be honest, I've been thinking about leaving for a couple months now.

I have my reasons excuses, none of which are good enough (it boils down to fear, I think), so I can't really justify leaving. And, besides, I love writing.


I miss people.

And, so many that were here in the beginning of my blogging aren't here anymore, and now people are leaving (some have said as much, some I just suspect). People come and go, *shrugs shoulders*, that's blogging.

It's hard for me because (some of) those people helped me become who I am today, and somewhere along the way I became attached. I'm not normally an attached kind of person (things change, people change, it's how life works), so it's surprising to find this out. 

As an attempt to disengage, I've thought very seriously about leaving and moving. 

I can't say I won't move (having my own website sounds fun (but a lot of work that I don't have time for right now)), however I can say I'm not going to stop blogging.

Maybe I just need a change, of some sort... A new layout? New content? New...something...

Saturday, July 2, 2016

It Will Pass

I'm going through a rough patch.

*shrugs shoulders*

It happens.

I partly blame my body--the week (maybe even a week and a half) before I start my period I am in no mood for sexual endeavors. Like, give me pain or pleasure, try your best, but it ain't happening (for me). And, by that I mean, I'm not going to enjoy it. I can't even manage to enjoy it because I don't enjoy it.

Which turns into... I'm a horrible slave. I'm a fake slave.

It takes of running from there and moves on to other areas that I could be better at. Which is pretty much everywhere.

So, my mind is to blame, as well. In fact, it's the main problem, I just can't get it on the right page. If the mind isn't engaged, the body can't get there.

The worst part is, that I want to want it. I really fucking want it. It just isn't there and it won't come back until I start my period. It is so frustrating!

To give you a glimpse...

It was so bad I was so bad, that he stopped right in the middle of "it" and got ready for bed.
And that was the end of that.

So, yeah, I suck.

I don't want to muck it up again. I don't know if I can bear it.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Taking a (Scary) Step

I've been thinking that I should write about sexy times between Daddy and me (there's been plenty of it going around, that's for sure), but I'm not really feeling it.

He has made some changes and we've tried some new things, and I'm freakin' horny (for the most part). I want to do more new things. I want to do it all, tonight. That's totally doable, right?

*        *        *

I might not be writing so much here, but I have been writing a lot in my journal. Words are falling out of me like you wouldn't believe, and I love it. It's not something I've always been able to do--in fact, I avoided it for many years, but that's another story.

Daddy has been curious about what I've been writing... He started reading over my shoulder the other day (talk about uncomfortable!), I immediately closed it and told him that he could read it, but I didn't want to know about it.

I mean it when I say, he can have any part of me that he wants, so he has every right to read my journal. It's just...I don't want to edit what I write, you know? Like if I'm upset, I just want to write what I feel without worrying about what he might think, or if he'll take it the wrong way, or whatever.

I'm just making excuses.

He is interested in what I think, for goodness sake!! In the beginning I could barely get him to read the blog, and it drove me nuts. I wanted my words to hold some importance, I wanted my words to be worth his time, and now they's kinda scary. lol.

*deep breath*


You can read my journal any time you want--in front of me, behind my back, over my shoulder, however you want. My words are yours.

Damn, this is hard!

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Take These Broken Wings and Learn to Fly

Inspired by Blackbird

Despite the cards life dealt me, I have always kept moving forward. 
Despite moving forward, sadly, I have only focused on how I failed in inching along -tripping over my own feet, falling flat on my face, scarring me even further, and hurting those I love in the process- because I knew I was better than my actions. Even in my darkest moments, I knew I was capable of something more positive than what I was living.

Now, however, I see that I didn't fail, I was just really good stumbling.

I dug a hole, deep enough to keep light out, to hide from that which I didn't know how to accept. There were times I tried to claw my way out, only to find I made it deeper. I was discouraged and disappointed in myself. I knew there was light, I knew I deserved to see it, I just didn't know how to find it.

I remember the many, many times I asked, "When is it my turn?"

Turns out, someone was listening. I was merely eighteen the last time I cried those words and not even a year later I met the man I today call Daddy.

My wings were shattered when he walked into my life. I managed to hide them a couple years and even then, I only gave him a peek. I was terrified of losing him--fearful of being too broken. He was my escape, a knight in a silver truck come from a far land to save me.

I had to show him every broken bone, every lost feather, and the darkness in between. When he didn't leave, when he showed himself to be a bigger man than many, I accepted my wings and began to heal. He gave me a safe place to heal.

Here we are, almost fifteen years later from our first date. Some days my wings are strong enough to lift me, other days I walk, and rarely, I crawl. But, no matter how I travel, I wear my scarred wings proudly, because I fucking made it.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

I Wanna Be Sedated

Post title from the Ramones.

Well, this is our last day. We had so much fun!

We went to Brookgreen Gardens where we saw butterflies and moths...

 And trees...
Oh! The trees! They were so beautiful!
We also took a boat ride and learned a little about the lives that formed these lands. (The kiddo's couldn't get enough of that. lol)

We also took a trip to the aquarium... 

And, of course, there was plenty of this...

It was also wonderful talking with my grandmother and seeing the girls with her--it was heartwarming, for sure.

Nonetheless, I need to be home, in his arms, right now!

Twelve hours, just gotta make it twelve more hours.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Two Days Left, Two Sides to the Coin

Packing preparations are beginning. I'm so excited, the girls are excited, but I don't wanna go!

I made an effort to relax yesterday, in between a couple chores--I know good and well the work I'm about to put in. I also had a feeling that he would want to play...

He took me downstairs. You all know how I love that, right? It means I get to be tied up, used, and I can be louder. Win/win/win.

I couldn't let go. Oh, I tried. He tried. I just...couldn't get into it. 

My head is too full of lists, and the multitude of emotions this trip has brought on.

I was tied up, arms spread overhead, and you know what came out of my mouth?

"You're sunburnt."

Perfect conversation for the moment, huh?

Needless to say, things didn't go as he planned. In the end, it all worked out, so I didn't fail, completely.

I'm so over this trip.

But, I can't wait to feel the sand between my toes.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016


A week from today, almost down to the hour, the kids and I will be on a plane, headed almost two thousand miles (as the bird flies) away from him.

What I'm feeling is nothing I've experienced before. Last fall, when we left for two weeks, I didn't feel this way. Well, maybe a fraction of what I'm feeling now.

We'll only be gone for a week this time.

I'm on edge, jittery, overloaded, anxious, and sad, which is coming out in a most disapproving way.

I'm excited to see my grandmother and the ocean is always regenerating.


Who is going to make his coffee?!

Or, in other words, what am I going to do without him?

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Master's Turn to Use Me

I had put the plug in and was about to put on my collar, just like I do every night (well, most nights) after the kids are asleep, when he came in and pushed me down on the bed, which is unlike other nights.

*shrugs shoulders* I guess he wanted to mix things up. ;)

Rope was tied around my wrists and ankles and then to the bed, so I was left spread out and my top fully exposed. This was my first time to be tied up like this, without cuffs, and let me tell you, cuffs are much more comfortable than rope. However, being the whore I am, the rope had its benefits too.

Then the nipple clamps went on.

Then he got out the magic wand and put it on my clit.

That's when he left to get the duct tape that would go over my mouth.

Then he got out the big dildo and that went in.

Don't forget, I had the plug in.

So, I was there with rope digging into my skin, spread out, unable to do a damn thing...

And he was doing his thing with all these things... Fucking me with the dildo, pushing the wand on me, pulling on the chain that connects the nipple clamps...

And he fucking wouldn't let me come!

It was excruciating! I wanted to come like five seconds after he put the wand on me, but noooooo.

This was Master at work, not Daddy, and he was having his fun.

It was impossible not to revel in the cruelty I most definitely wanted, which only made it harder to hold it in.

Breathing and relaxing was no longer possible.

I begged and begged. I tried so hard to wiggle this way and that, I even managed to somewhat sit up (he only pushed me back down), to lessen the need. It didn't lessen anything, it only made things worse.

Then, after what seemed like forever, he told me I could come.

I was waiting for a "...but if you do...", when that didn't happen, I asked, "Really?" It's all I could manage to say. Lol.

He assured me that it was the real deal, and I came.

It was if a light shined down on me from above and a single beautiful high note was sung. It was so good and lasted so long, I had tears running down my face.

I came a second time...I need to change the sheets for that one.

Oh, and that wasn't all!

He untied me and sat on my face. He gave me the option of licking his ass or balls...balls it was.

His cock and balls took turns with my mouth, except his cock had the pleasure of gagging me.

He ended up coming and a second time, later that night.

Talk about used up! :)

Monday, May 23, 2016

Missed Opportunities

He's been doing this "you can't come until I do" thing.

I've also used the magic wand most nights.

So, you know, that's...a struggle...until the end.

Except last night.

Last night, (I suspect) he wanted to make sure my pussy lips were attached to the rest of me.

FYI, they are firmly attached. (Good thing, 'cause I'm looking forward to doing that again.) (Yes, Daddy, I know I'm a whore.)

So, I had to use the wand until I thought I'd explode and after that, because my lips were busy holding on for dear life, I didn't get the opportunity to come.

So unfair!

Yeah, *sigh*, I liked that part, too.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

In Case I Have Led You to Believe Otherwise

I am not a Mistress or a mistress. Sorry if I've disappointed you.

Now that we've cleared that up...

I'm also sorry that I have yet reply to your comments! I see them and I'm looking forward to replying to them, it's just that I've been working, painting rooms, gardening, mothering, exercising, and not enough slaving or sleeping.

Wine breake over, gotta put the kids to bed. Wish me luck and sanity.

Monday, May 16, 2016

Some Thoughts on Involvement with Others

There's parties, events, munches, demos, just friends, play partners, and everything else...I can't help but wonder what it would be like.

Thus far, the blog and email have been my only involvement with others in the lifestyle. (I was on FetLife for a short time, but I hardly count that as involvement.) It is comfortable here. A very nice distance from my personal life (gotta love that anonymity), easy to run away, which is probably why I haven't ran.

It would be nice to have coffee with someone that knew me, really knew me. Oh, make no mistake, the whole thing would stress me out to no end. I'd fret over everything until I turned blue. I'd think about backing out (up until the last second) then I'd suck it up and go, and I would be glad I did. That's just how I roll. ;)

I think a phone call would come before coffee, which is a different hurdle to overcome. A hurdle I've been given the chance to overcome and, in all this time, I have yet to jump it.

I'm in my little bubble over here. Again, it's comfortable. But we grow when we step outside of the bubble, and you never know who you might find.

Now, if I can't make a phone call is there any point in thinking about the rest?

Sure, there is! :)

Munches...getting together with a group of people I don't know? Yeah, that sounds reeeealy comforting. On the other hand, I would probably have a great time, if he could pull me out of the car.

Events...I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested, but it's outside of my radar, so I don't have any strong feelings.

Parties and playing with others...I have mixed feelings, strong mixed feelings. If I'd stress that much over coffee, I think you can imagine how much I'd stress over this. When I have fantasies that involve  others, we are not at a party...I guess it's more of an intimate setting. Honestly, I am much more comfortable with (the idea of) him finding another girl that I don't have to be involved with (as long as she isn't a bitch that tries to take my man!!), but that's not even close to how my fantasies go. I think that might be because I can just sit here in my comfortable spot and get off on the fact that he's doing something he wants, while my fantasies require more involvement. On the other hand, not all fantasies need to be lived.

The thing is though, I'm not ready for anything more than just friends, maybe I will never be ready for more, then again, that kinda depends on him too. I sure as hell won't do anything without him pushing me along. If he made moves toward putting new people in our lives, I'd follow. Of course I would. But I think I have too many insecurities and I'm still not used to these intense emotions. I don't trust people. We have kids to think about. People are crazy. And stupid.

So, yeah, I have more reasons to stay in my bubble than I do to leave it.

Except for friends. I think I need more of those.

This is one of those posts where I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and click publish... and here I go...

Saturday, May 14, 2016

I Didn't See It Coming

The kiddo's and I cleaned their room yesterday.

It looked good. The floor was completely free of run away crayons and marbles. Not a single item of dirty clothing or paper cutting in sight (or out of sight). Shoes tucked away in the closet and books put on their shelves.


It wasn't good enough.

It. Wasn't. Good. Enough.

*Mind blown*

I thought I was tied up for fun, but nooooo, I wasn't.

He pulled out That Thing (I hate it!) and the truth came out, I was in trouble.

That Thing is a piece of wood that he turned into a paddle. When I see it, I want to run away. Seriously, I feel that shit in my toes. Not cool.

But it is greatly appreciated. I love that he sees I have more to give.

Friday, May 13, 2016

Turning Mistakes into Stepping Stones

Every so often he'll ask me to do something around the house. Usually, when something has gotten out of control and it has stayed that way for quite sometime.

What can I say, I'm not perfect.

Last time, he told me to make sure the kids' room got cleaned, in other words all I needed to do was make sure they cleaned it. 


One thing led to another didn't get done.

Surprisingly, that wasn't the worst part.
The worst part was that the importance of getting it done didn't sink in until I was tied up with my ass in the air and the crop was in his hand. 

He brought it up before we were at that point, and...I just...kinda...blew it off.

Yeah, I know. *head desk*


Why was it important? Because he asked. 
The girls could care less what it looks like and, obviously, it wasn't at the top of my list, but it was important enough to him that he told me to get it done.

What needs to happen? I need to get stuff (like this) done before he asks. 

That's what I want to be. 

And maybe, just maybe, my down time doesn't mean as much as it used to. Maybe my time is more of a luxury and less of a necessity...

Monday, May 9, 2016

The Short Version of Bliss

The kid free night happened...

I have bruises and bite marks.

My nipples are perfectly sore.

My holes...oh my holy holes! They were used and used again.

Plugged, hooked, and fucked, was my ass.

He was mean in the nicest of ways, making sure I got exactly what whores need. 

And, orgasm denial...he gave it a go. You know how you invison things going one way and they end up another way? This would fall under that list (we all knew it would). He did all these wonderful (and painful) things to me and still wouldn't let me come. It made no difference when my eyes started watering, or when I had to chant, "I will not come," to stop myself (mind over matter!), and not even when I did my best begging--he stayed firm through it all. Oh, it was horrible! And, naturally, I loved it.

"Happy Mother's Day," he said.

Lol. This is so backwards.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Settling In and Totally Excited

I think we're all aware that I can be slightly emotional from time to time. Okay, okay, I'm able to turn a little rain into the end of world on the drop of a dime, but so what?! It's a talent I've acquired in the past two and a half years...

I'm getting used to it though--my roots have settled in and are adapting. I think hope.

I told him that I might like orgasm denial...and the sky didn't fall! Seriously, I was waiting for something to crush me, but I'm still here, fully functional. It's crazy. And awesome. And I don't even care if we do it or not, it just feels good to tell him.

I might start overthinking it in a few days, but for now I'm good. ;)

An observation: the more I open up to him, the less I want to write here...I think it gets to be too much.

He took me downstairs a few nights ago--something he hasn't done since last November. The next morning, out of the blue, I started crying. I think it was an emotional overload, because it usually takes a couple days for me to drop. Anyway, I was able to see that I didn't have to let it overcome me,  I moved on and enjoyed the after effects. I missed going down there...

It feels like things are clearer, like I can finally see through the fear and insecurities. I haven't been fighting them, I just let them be and work through it.

It might be different tomorrow but at least I know I can do it.

I'm glad he took me downstairs...Yes, it was wonderful being tied up while he used the crop on my pussy (and all that other stuff), but I really needed to know I could do it, you know?

Especially since we might we might have a night to ourselves this weekend! Yep, that's right, we might be kid free this Saturday! I'm trying to not let myself get too excited (kids can be so unpredictable), but it's not working.


And a little nervous...

Which only makes me more excited.


Tuesday, April 26, 2016

If You Give a Slave a Blog and Two Kids

I'm in another blogging funk. I sit to write and my mind starts to wonder.

You know how it goes, right?

You open a blank page and wait for inspiration to smack you. The curser blinks and blinks, and when it turns blurry you glance out the window and admire the green grass and plants coming to life. Then, you look down and see that you need to sweep (for the 10th time, and it's not even 2pm), which turns into sweeping half the house (wood floors are awesome like that). You end by a bathroom that needs to be cleaned today (and it's almost 2pm, so you better get it done), and as you're doing all this you write posts in your head that end with baking bread...which reminds you that you haven't eaten lunch.

Have you ever read If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, by Laura NumeroffIt's a lot like that, but this book would be called, If You Give a Slave a Blog and Two Kids.

I haven't been reading blogs either...

I'll get back in the swing of things.

I just need to put some clothes in the drier first.

And clean out that closet.

And I probably should pull some weeds before they get too bad...

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Damn Him

I am in a bad mood. It was worse before he left me kid free and made me use the wand...

I didn't want to use it! I didn't want to come or take pictures! I wanted to be in my mood, thank you very much. I tried to get out of it.

"Don't you want me to be happy?" He asked.

Damn him. 

I didn't want to, but I came twice. I guess once wasn't enough...

It is so frustrating that this scheme of his works.

Oh, just make Misty come and she'll be happier.

Damn him.

Friday, April 8, 2016

Clearing the Mind By Way of Hook

I suspect he read my last post, 'cause I didn't ask and he did more.

When I got out of the shower the wrist cuffs and anal hook were laying on the bed.

Awwwww, for me?! 

He let me put in the hook (because he was being nice), then he tied it to me with the soft blue rope and put my cuffs on.

My brain turns gooey in those moments, what about you? 

He wanted to watch the latest episode of Vikings so he told me I could put some clothes on--which turned out to be a shirt and underwear. I have a couple t-shirts that are too tight, which I would never, ever be caught wearing in public, of course he loves them--it was the light blue one that he picked out.

Sitting was a comical challenge.

Then, there was nipple clamps, the plastic cane thing (we acquired from one of the kid's toys), the magic wand, pussy slapping, lots of pussy slapping, and ended with him coming on my "good girl tongue" and down the side of my face (which he gets a kick out of...damn him! Lol)

A "good girl tongue" is a tongue that sticks out waiting, in case you were wondering.

And, as you can imagine, I feel like a new person today. :)

I have no problem telling him when I'm hungry or when I want a new pair of jeans, however when it comes down to sharing what I want within D/s, it becomes complicated, justifiably so. It's difficult sharing my desires, heck it's difficult having desires--I had (what I thought was) good reasons for hiding them. 
It's kinda painful changing the way I think...

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

I Don't Want to Ask!

I can ask, he might even like me to ask (I don't really know), I just don't want to.

There are a lot of little problems with asking and there is one huge problem with not asking. 

By asking, I put myself out there, and what if he turns me down? I mean, if he wanted it, wouldn't he do it? If he'd rather be doing something else, I sure don't want to be the one to stop him.
Or what if he thinks I'm not ready or capable...or something? It's a reasonable possibility. 
Or what if he already has plans and I just need to be patient? 
What if I ask and it comes out all wrong? (Oh the horror!)
And, I love being dominated. If I ask, it takes away from that, and I want more!! 
When I think of asking, I feel goes against what I want to be. Or maybe I just feel fucked up for wanting more...

Deep down I know it's okay for me to want. This could be a need (it's hard to tell with these things)--I don't like needing.

If I don't ask, it builds. It's already up to my neck. I feel like screaming, and crying. I'm second guessing everything...okay, that's a lie, I'm overthinking everything. I'm also afraid of falling...

It's so confusing. 

He's not completely ignoring me. I have gotten a little every night, which is a lot more than some people. I should be fine. But I'm not.

I don't even know what to ask for! Not exactly. 

My mom is coming this weekend to visit, which means I won't get my normal fix (or maybe this time will be different?) and I'm kinda freaking out. 

Friday, April 1, 2016

Limits and Lack Of

All the possibilities that limits hold can be a bit scary, especially when you come across a list with a thousand ways that one could push your limits, and you've only tried two. Limits can be a safety net or a means to freedom. There are many opinions about limits floating around, I can't tell you if they're right or wrong, but I can tell you mine.

Of course, these things are different for couples in established, previously non-kinky, relationships than it is for single people looking for a partner(s). I can't really speak for the latter, but I could see a list of limits acting as a "get to know me" questionnaire (Do you like long walks on the beach or a cabin in the mountains?  Do you like being bound or to inflict pain?). Which is kinda handy, if you ask me. As for the other, it can be a nice way to find out where each partner stands, however, sometimes, taking it slowly, letting things evolve as they will, might be a better option than filling out such a daunting list. 

Using limits outside of a questionnaire (i.e. giving up your limits) seems to be a limit itself, does it not? It can be a difficult thing to do. 

I think thoughts can become "cloudy" when dealing with the limitless. People like to pick this thing apart. Sometimes it turns into, "Oh yeah, limitless, you say? Well, would you let him cut off your arm?" And, "Would you dive in front of a moving train if she asked you to?" *palm to forehead* What I wanna know is, who wants to cut off arms?! And, why in the world would someone want their partner to risk their life?

I know there are also people that can do it all, and that somehow makes them better than those who won't.... Pride can make you ugly, and that's all I'm going to say about that.

When I say Daddy decides the limits, I'm not saying I will never say no or that I will do it all on the drop of a dime. What I am saying is that, I always want to say yes and I trust him. To me, it is a commitment of what I want to be for him. Daddy is the same man I've been with for fourteen years, he is not going to morph into a monster because I've committed to this--he would never want to damage me. He deserves more and I happen to be in a position to give him more, and that's that. 

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Just Coffee?

It is so simple that it feels kinda silly that it would have any kind of impact. I mean, it's just coffee.

Before, I made his coffee every once in awhile--a few times a week. It was nice to be able to do it for him, but it made no difference in my day. 

Now, however, I've made it everyday, circumstances be damned, for over a week (eleven days, but who's counting). 

He has gotten up before me a couple of times and I knew he would make the coffee. I was so certain that I started feeling unneeded. Ahem, anyway... To my surprise, he came back just to tell me to get up and make the coffee.

"Go make coffee." 

Those words have been a great start to my day, they might even be better than the coffee itself... but let's not get carried away. 

I think it just gets me in the right mindset before I have time to let anything else in, you know? 

I guess it's not just coffee, it is coffee with a splash of meaning.

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Answers for abby: Limits and Punishments

Keep those questions coming!

The last set of questions comes from abby...

Have the two of you ever discussed hard limits, agreed on some? Have you ever suggested anything new to try....

Is punishment always a spanking...or sometimes being deprived of something or...

Limits... We have talked about doing things and not doing things, but not in great detail. We're not ever going to do anything with feces, animals, or children.
I really don't like the idea of limits, or maybe it's just the word itself that I don't like. It just seems so limiting, you know? :) I like options. The way I see it: when you label something as a limit, especially a hard one, it only takes away from the list of possibilities that make life exciting. That's not to say I'm willing or capable of doing it all, it's just that I like to keep doors open. Who knows, I might hate something today but love it tomorrow.

And yes, I have gave some (specific) suggestions for new things. :) 

Punishment... Nope, it's not always a spanking. 
I don't know if verbal correction can be considered punishment, but it can be really harsh. Sometimes, it's the worst.
When I forget my collar (which isn't often) he won't say anything about it, he also won't touch me or use me.
The other day when I forgot my plug, he crammed his cock down my throat, gagging me over and over in a not-at-all-nice way, until he came on my face. (He'll also do this when I'm not in trouble, but he is a lot nicer about it all.)
He's grounded me from the computer and iPad.
I know there's more, but you get the idea, right?

Monday, March 7, 2016

A Need to Feel It

I haven't felt like a slave for months now. Honestly, I haven't felt like much of anything, besides a mess.

It all started with a fall that left me in a million pieces. Then, I kept refusing him.
I'm sure it made him question everything.
I was questioning everything. I struggle, a lot.

I convinced myself I could do without. I did enough to get by--I kept putting the plug in and my collar on, we had sex, I kept my head above the water. I was so tired of being so much work for him and I was determined to change. I did a pretty good job.


Time past and I began to feel like a fake. I wanted to change the blog name like a million times, because it made me mad sad every time I saw it. It got to the point that I felt like crying when I read other blogs, so I kept that to a minimum.

I consider myself a slave because that's what he says I am and I believe it because I feel it at my core. It has nothing to do with how we play or how he controls me. When I quit feeling like a slave, it's like I have something in my chest clawing to get out, and it's always fucking there.

I am his, nothing will change that, but (apparently) I need to feel it.

I can only take that clawing feeling for so long. It's annoying and it eats me up.

So we talked.

He thought I didn't really want to be controlled and I thought he didn't want to control me (because he seemed happy).
And, you know, it's hard to lead someone when they don't seem to follow and it's hard to follow when you think you don't have a leader.

Obviously, it boils down to no communication and a very confused me.

He has let me make his coffee since we talked.
I forgot to wear my plug yesterday and he let me know that it mattered (he enjoyed letting me know that it mattered and doesn't mind if I keep forgetting. (I didn't forget it today.))
Small steps, but there has been a shift in the air.
I feel like I'm ready to give up on being something I'm not.

Sunday, March 6, 2016

Answer for Amy: Timely Punishments

Next question comes from Amy...

My question is, do you believe punishment must be dealt with immediately and if so, how have you handled a house full or a time when you weren't alone but needed correction?

I most definitely do not believe a punishment needs to happen directly after an infraction. I mean, if you can work it out that way, then that's great, but we don't live on the other side of the rainbow.

Let me explain a little further.

In my eyes, punishment should come when we have the time but, more importantly, when he is ready--maybe that's hours later, maybe days, and maybe it never happens.

The latter is a hard pill to swallow, one I've had to swallow many times. Had I not got some great advice from a couple friends, it would have taken me much longer to get it down.

Correction comes from knowing what I did wrong and change happens when I have a need (or want) to change, not by his hand or other means to that end. He could punish me time and time again for something, but I won't change until I really want to change. (Though somethings, no matter how much we want to change, just keep happening because we're human; e.g. slips in behavior.)

And, punishments are not something I should expect. It's not my choice.

I get a lot out of punishments (I really, really want them to be a part of our dynamic), but they don't necessarily need to happen, at all.

Thanks for the question, Amy, it was nice to think back and see how I've changed my perspective.

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Answers for Jz: A Year for Dreams and a Super Me

Jz, had a couple great questions to ponder...

You have one year to magically put everything in your life on hold while you pursue a dream.
What do you do?

What would your superhero name be?
(bonus: describe your outfit)

The first one wasn't so easy at first thought, but then it sunk in that I only had a year, definitely not enough time to go back to school and get a degree or anything like that.

Let's fast forward about six years (hey, if I can magically put life on hold, I can magically fast forward, right?), I would then love to travel with the family. Swim in oceans, climb mountains (not big ones), eat crazy good food and surprisingly bad food, relax by oceans and pools, roast marshmallows, float rivers, play boardgames and do puzzles at night. To have an entire year to experience the world with my family would be the ultimate dream come true.

The second question took me a bit longer. I think to have a superhero name you have to first come up with a superhero power, and I don't picture myself leaping over buildings or smashing through walls to catch bad guys. I could be the super mom, able to breakup fights in a blink of an eye and cook meals with my laser eyes, but I have enough mom-ing in my life.

So... I came up with the name Aletheia (from the Greek Goddess of Truth). I'm able to gaze into the eyes of criminals and extract the truth out of them. No need for interrogation, just let me at 'em, and I'll get the idiots to spill the beans about who killed who, or where they hid the loot, or who's masterminding an epidemic. It kinda goes without saying but, I'd also have to be a fully trained ninja and bulletproof.

I'd wear sunglasses, of course, because I wouldn't want to unleash my power accidentally on the innocent, who deserve their secrets. I think a black coat, about thigh length and a high collar, would do just fine. Black skinny jeans because I wouldn't want anything to block the view of my red stilettos, the star of the show. Obviously, they would have to be the most comfortable pair of stilettos (never) made, 'cause I can't be worried about getting blisters or aching ankles when saving the world.

Thanks, Jz, for the questions, they were fun. :)