Monday, January 18, 2016

It's Okay...Really, it is!

One problem with keeping a journal is that you know how long it has been. Am I right, or am I right?

I know how long it has been since he has taken me downstairs. I know the last time he punished me. I could probably go back and find the last time The Box was opened (well, aside from the vibrating plug he told me to get out a few days ago), but I don't want to know.

It has been a long time. Like forever.

I bet you think I'm hanging onto the end of my rope. Don't lie, it's okay, I would assume the same.

You might, or might not, remember I was the one turning him down (I believe the word I used was "refusing"). That's how it started.

Now...

I want it. I miss it terribly.

But...

I still don't know if I'm ready for that.

Don't get me wrong, we are still us (Dominant and submissive), but in a lighter, more comfortable setting.
I still wear the plug everyday...unless he tells me not to wear it because he wants my ass tight for him. :)
I still put on the collar and leash...unless the kids stay up late and I'm beyond tired, and therefore forget.
I'm trying to be more mindful of what I can do for him...not that I'm doing a great job, but at least I'm trying!
I'm on my knees almost every night.
There's more, of course, little and big doings and going-ons that have become normal, which makes them harder to point out.

I don't think I've ever seen him so stressed. I mean, it is bad. All a result of life stuff, not us stuff. I believe this to be another factor in why I'm not freaking out. There's just more important stuff going on, you know?

And because there was a time when I would be at the end of my rope, in these same circumstances, I can't help but wonder, why not now, what changed.

Come on, you didn't really think I wouldn't over-think this, did you?!




9 comments:

  1. Hi Misty, I'm glad it sounds as though you are in a good place together. A lighter more comfortable setting, I like that :) There does seem to be a real ebb and flow to ttwd, How awesome that you aren't at the end of your rope as you otherwise might be.

    Sorry about all the stress and hope that at least some of it eases soon.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Roz, it feels great, but a little odd, to not be at the end of my rope. We are in a good place and that's what I'm trying to focus on...the here and now.

      I hope you and Rick are doing well!!

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  2. Oh the basement.....not sure I have a favorite place to be.

    Misty, I am not sure if you meant for this to be a tremendously strong post but your strength really does show through. Sure, you are missing basement time and are aware of his stress level but you really have a calm. You....calm?! I said it!! =)

    All of the consistent rituals might be part of the source of your calm even during the rough patch in vanilla life.

    Love to you my friend and I wish for you two to find some basement time!!!! Maybe I will sneak a wish in for us too!

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    1. Pearl, right!? Me, calm? But that's what it feels like! It is so strange. Lol.

      I really didn't see a strength here, but maybe you're right. Thank you so much for that!

      I thjnk the rituals have something to do with it (though maybe not all of it). They're like little reminders that we are "this", you know? I don't have to be tied up and beaten to feel submissive. Lol.

      You put in a wish for me and I will do the same for you. ;)

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  3. Hi Misty. I think once you reach that point of accepting the ebb and flow, you have achieved a whole new level of submission. Good for you! Ideally your ebbs and flows as individuals coincide with each other but sometimes they don't and we learn to adjust our expectations.

    xo

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    1. little girl, it is so good to see you here. I've noticed your place has been quiet, hope the both of you are well.

      It is interesting you say that because it feels like I've come out of some kind of frenzy, a 2.5 year frenzy. Or like I've been fighting for it when I all I really needed to do was find acceptance...I think that's what I'm trying to say.

      Whatever happened, I'm happy to be here! :)

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  4. I think sometimes things can be maintained as is, and sometimes they can't. During those times where they 'can't' , ie times of stress for one partner or another, we get to a point where we realize we are doing what we can. There also seems to be a point within us, (submissives) where we sense ttwd isn't going anywhere any time quick. That gives us this incredible power. Losing the anxiety of this going away is so wonderful, freeing, and yes ultimately very calming. Sounds like you might be there.

    I'll give you an analogy on the first point: You know when you are on a car trip and you have to go pee. You feel like you have to go, but somehow your body knows you have to wait. You are fine until you are inside your home and you are just about to take your pants off, then HOLY HELL you can't get them off fast enough! However if 5 miles back ( I almost wrote KMs ..LOL) there was a detour, your body would have adjusted to having to wait again and you could have gone another hour if needed. I find I am like that with ttwd. I truck along just fine, doing what we both have agreed on and no boundaries pushed if life is there stopping it...stress, company, illness, but the moment that goes away, he has about 24 hours to jump on that opportunity or...LOL.

    Be proud of where you two have managed to land at the moment Misty. Overthink all you want, but embrace the comfort. It isn't a bad think. Missing the basement, and yet not sure if you are ready? Well that will change as soon as you get a taste of it again!

    willie

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    1. * isn't a bad THING not think...LOL

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    2. willie, as I read all these comments, I'm starting to think that maybe it's all these different factors that have me where I am. So it's what you say, and Pearl, and little girl.

      Love the pee analogy! It's all about mind set! I wonder if I could hold onto this once the stress is gone...

      I'm not saying a trip to the basement would change my mind...but I'm not saying it wouldn't either. Lol. ;)

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