Monday, January 4, 2016

Leery

I've hesitated writing visiting here. Not sure why. Maybe because I feel super vulnerable and this place has the potential to make me feel even more so, and I don't want that. But, what do I know, could be anything really.

I'm very leery of moving forward, however we are moving forward.

I think it's just hard to accept how much I need this, you know? Even harder to admit to it...

We had a night without kids (and I screwed it up), I cried a lot and talked a lot, and then it got better. Nonetheless, we needed a kid-free night.

He changed the hours that I'm supposed to wear my plug and I now have to put on the leash with the collar.
I'm not allowed to mope, either (I will do my best, but no promises).
I also learned that the crop does not feel good on my feet--not that I thought it would, but you know.
It is a possibility that he will start reading my journal. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I mean, it's not like there's stuff in there I want to hide from him, but...I don't know. I'm sure it would help.

I'm just leery.

Anyway...

This is where I'm at.


12 comments:

  1. Maybe him having you move forward will help. Sort of like the "fake it till you make it" mentality. You're not quite faking it, but you're not really feeling it. But maybe by moving forward you will start to.

    I remember when my Sir first started reading my journal. Part of me wanted/wants him to read EVERYTHING (I have other journals). Know everything. Part of me wants him to read nothing. Even though this is public, it's a very intimate thing to share. It's a super vulnerable feeling to let someone you know, someone that affects you into it.

    I found that when Sir first started reading, initially I was hyper aware of everything I'd say. I'd rethink, rewrite. Obsess over every word.

    And then, over time... I didn't. Not as much. I just write what I feel. He reads it. I only ever feel self conscious about it if he reads it while I'm standing there (which he has done). Both he and I have found that it does help in terms of understanding mental state. We've found that though we talk about everything, not everything I'm feeling or thinking comes out in those conversations. Sometimes it just doesn't come up. Sometimes I guess I need time to process and having to coherently write my feelings brings them out in different ways. And reading it all helps him.

    If it's his will to read here, I hope it helps you guys, too.

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    1. Lea, it does feel a bit like that, "faking" it until I feel it. He's taking it slow, so all is good, at the moment.

      We haven't talked anymore about the journal, but I feel like the right thing to do is give him the freedom to do so because, you're right, everything doesn't come out when we talk. I think it would help if I didn't know if he was reading it, in the beginning anyway, because I would leave out a lot of stuff.

      He does read here :)

      Thank you for commenting!

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  2. Hi Misty, I'm glad you had a kid free night. Even though you feel you screwed up I doubt that he feels the same.

    Wonderful comment from Lea and I agree. Hopefully moving forward will help. I understand how you feel about his reading your journal. I felt the same about Rick reading my blog, but it turned out to be the best thing for our relationship and dynamic as it gave him a better insight into me.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Roz, we get very few nights alone and I hate to spend a second of them crying! Even though I feel terrible about that, all wasn't lost. :)

      We'll see what happens with the journal...kinda scary. Lol.

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  3. Breathe. Just breathe. Rome was built in a day, and you are not expected to feel comfortable with all of this instantly either. If he /you did everything that was 'safe and expected' you would never grow. Comfort boundaries need to be pushed to keep you from constructing unnecessary 'walls'.

    Work through these insecurities, and remember this is the man you love and he loves you. He isn't some stranger out to mess with you. He loves ALL of you and to give him ALL of you is the best thing you can do for your relationship.

    I will tell you right now, it isn't easy. All of this D/s 'stuff' really is just a tool to 'crack you open' but it isn't there to crack you. I know it doesn't feel that way at times, but embrace the uncertainty you feel. That my friend is called growth. One foot in front of the other, keep focusing on just that.

    "We had a night without kids (and I screwed it up), I cried a lot and talked a lot, and then it got better." OH LORDY I have I been there!!! It is difficult to leave expectations behind. Expectations in him but more so expectations of yourself. You know what happens when you cry....a LOT? You dissolve those 'walls' you are starting to create. It ins't the fun, sexy way to do it, but for a brief moment there you are in the raw, for your husband to see.

    There have been many times I have stood at the proverbial fork in the road and wondered which way to go. The most rewarding and fulfilling path has always had the rockiest terrain for us. But sitting here at this moment, I wouldn't change a thing. Is it all the things books are written about? No....but *I* am where I want to be. *I* am ME, and Barney assures me that is what he wants. The insecurity of being me creeps in in various forms at times, but I'm fairly certain that is human *wink*

    I don't actually keep a journal, but Barney has read coversations I've had, with a woman who knows that can happen, he'd never violate anyone's privacy, and he has also TOLD me to write when I am 'stuck'. It helps, most times. Other times it can be a colossal disaster, until things are worked out. Disaster or not in the short term, remember as long as what you say is truly how you feel in the moment, you will never go wrong. ( Also try and remember that men 'read' things differently than women seem to write them...LOL)

    ANYWHO, being leery is okay, although it does sound a little discouraging. How about, fearful? Is that closer to the point?

    One foot in front of the other...no big picture, just live in your moment.
    willie

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    1. willie, why does growth have to be so freaking painful?! Lol.

      I know I needed to cry, but it could have come at a better time! Or maybe it was the right time...I don't know. I'm glad it's over with though.

      Rocky roads do seem to have the biggest rewards...

      See, that's one of the reasons I'm not sure if he should read my journal, because written words can be interpreted in many ways. He has always made it clear that he wants me talking (I think so he can hear the importance, or lack of, in my voice), so this is a bit of a change from his normal.

      Leery, nervous, fearful, terrified...take your pick, 'cause it could be anyone of those at any given moment. Lol.

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  4. Ah Misty! It sounds like you're hanging in just fine. This is a process. Trust that he is leading you and trust how much you want this, too x
    It takes some time getting used to this vulnerability thing.

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    1. Bleue, while you give me hope, I don't *feel* like I'm hanging in there just fine! Maybe it would help if I focused more on why vulnerability is a good thing rather than how it feels so wrong.

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    2. Its a good thing, because you are being reached--which in my experience leads to open, honest communication and deeper intimacy and connection...its a good thing because vulnerability is a form of strength ;-)

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    3. Have you seen this? https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

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    4. I watched this a long time ago Misty. It is fantastic! Thanks Bleue for reminding me about it.

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    5. Thanks, Bleu. I haven't found the time to watch it yet, but I'm set on it! Thank you so much...I need the help.

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