So, I have this problem.
Why do I get the feeling you're not surprised?
Let's take today for example.
I woke up in an okay mood, ready to start the day, ready to get shit done. I got shit done.
I was looking forward to tonight, because he said to me, "Don't wear your plug. I've got plans for you."
And most of the day was good. I managed well. I cleaned and worked. I fed everyone--made some pretty good chicken tortilla soup, especially for my first time, and tried out a new bread recipe (oat and wheat). Took the kids to swimming lessons.
But, here we are, towards the end of the day and I'm bitchy. Like "just leave me the fuck alone" bitchy.
The loaf of bread didn't turn out how it was supposed to. The kids are tired (swimming does that) and whiny, and I'm ready to throw them out the freaking window. I kinda want to throw him out too...
As I type, the little one is crying because she can't find the lid to a jar, the oldest wants to buy some stupid app, and he wants my thoughts on something I know nothing about.
Can't a girl have a five minute fucking coffee break?!
All I want to do is nothing. I don't want him to "have plans for me". If someone asks me for one more thing, I might cry. Seriously, I'm right there.
Just...let me go to bed!
But, you see, part of me wants nothing more than to be tied up (because it's been too fucking long) and treated like I deserve.
How do I deserve to be treated?
Well, that's up to him, but if it was left to me, it would be unfair, in a most fair way, if that makes sense.
Not that he plans on tying me up. Who knows what he wants to do...
After a day like today, I can't help but wonder if I can manage that, you know? I get so wound up and stressed out from the day, then I put all this pressure on myself to get it right...
I've been here before and totally failed at the whole sex slave thing (or whatever you want to call it)--it would be nice to avoid that, as I feel a massive amount of guilt for days afterwards.
I just can't seem to switch gears, even when I want to...