Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Going from Bitch to Willing Whore...How do You do it?

So, I have this problem.

Why do I get the feeling you're not surprised?

Let's take today for example.

I woke up in an okay mood, ready to start the day, ready to get shit done. I got shit done.

I was looking forward to tonight, because he said to me, "Don't wear your plug. I've got plans for you."

And most of the day was good. I managed well. I cleaned and worked. I fed everyone--made some pretty good chicken tortilla soup, especially for my first time, and tried out a new bread recipe (oat and wheat). Took the kids to swimming lessons.

But, here we are, towards the end of the day and I'm bitchy. Like "just leave me the fuck alone" bitchy.

The loaf of bread didn't turn out how it was supposed to. The kids are tired (swimming does that) and whiny, and I'm ready to throw them out the freaking window. I kinda want to throw him out too...

As I type, the little one is crying because she can't find the lid to a jar, the oldest wants to buy some stupid app, and he wants my thoughts on something I know nothing about.

Can't a girl have a five minute fucking coffee break?!

All I want to do is nothing. I don't want him to "have plans for me". If someone asks me for one more thing, I might cry. Seriously, I'm right there.

Just...let me go to bed!

But, you see, part of me wants nothing more than to be tied up (because it's been too fucking long) and treated like I deserve.

How do I deserve to be treated?

Well, that's up to him, but if it was left to me, it would be unfair, in a most fair way, if that makes sense.

Not that he plans on tying me up. Who knows what he wants to do...

I digress.

After a day like today, I can't help but wonder if I can manage that, you know? I get so wound up and stressed out from the day, then I put all this pressure on myself to get it right...

I've been here before and totally failed at the whole sex slave thing (or whatever you want to call it)--it would be nice to avoid that, as I feel a massive amount of guilt for days afterwards.

I just can't seem to switch gears, even when I want to...

12 comments:

  1. Story of my life, Misty. I make decisions for everyone else all day long and by the time Eric is home and able to be with me, I'm DONE. Too many transitions. Too many decisions. Too much responsibility. That, is my attraction to being his little slut. Don't ask my opinion on a single thing because I do not want to think anymore. Some directions, a spanking, corner time, bondage... the list allows my mind to shut down and then my body to unwind to the point that I can enjoy my husband and start again the next day. For me, his "control" is very freeing. Hang in there and keep writing. It helps me a ton. Amy

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    1. Amy, these days I find it harder to let my mind shut down. Perhaps the newness has worn off and I require more work? I don't know, it could be a lot of things...

      Hope you enjoy your time with Eric :)

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  2. I had the exact same kind of day. Need a serious, spanking session and not going to get it anytime soon because he is consumed with other things. A submissive mindset is the first thing to go when I'm in this place in my head:/ Hugs!

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    1. Sing, it's a horrible place to be.

      I think I'm in a really weird place, a spanking hasn't really worked for me in awhile, maybe I just need a longer and/or harder one?

      Thanks for commenting!

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  3. Hi Misty

    I understand completely about being fearful of not being able to...you know ;). This happened just a couple of weeks ago and it was horrible actually. Instead of being hot and relieving I was too caught up in my own head to enjoy what Barney had set out for me. In retrospect he said he should have reversed his orders and 'beat the sh*t out of me" ( he says in light tones) first and then went into the BDSM stuff. Sadly for both of us it didn't happen and we ended up in a crappy place for a long time.

    After I step away from times like that I think of how difficult it must be for my husband at least. How do you know what to choose? Why did it work last time and not this time? How does he do what HE truly wants, which IS what I want most of all, yet still 'give' me the release I need?. URGH.

    Anyway, I feel like I lead a day like you do 90% of the time, except throw in teenagers instead of kids. The guilt for me spans from knowing ( later not in the day that is for sure) that everyone wants a piece of my husband every day too! We are definitely a work in progress as he maneuvers around truly getting what he wants, and me believing that so I don't feel guilty that I require a piece of him too, so I don't have to 'think' anymore.

    Hope things turned out the way you needed them too.

    willie

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    1. willie, it's horrible (for lack of a better word) and I've found those times have changed me. It must be hard on them! It's just hard all around and, at this point, I don't think it's "will it happen again?", but "when will it happen again?", which is worrisome.

      I refuse to think about teenagers! Lol. I also feel like this is how most of my days go. It's hard to find a good balance here. Maybe there's something we're missing?

      He did read this post and didn't go through with his plans, but he had a headache, which could have been the reason for the change. Last night, however, there was a *little*, you know. ;) We both handled it well. I think it would help to have more confidence in myself.

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    2. Sometimes it's just hard being a human. I have had my spouse upset me, then realize she was wrong. She apologize... Hugs me... kiss me, does all she can to make me forgive her. I forgive her, but for some reason I just couldn't shake that funk off me, and she could see and feel it coming from me. Then like you, I ended up feeling guilty for not being able for turning the other side of me back on.. Human, that's all it is.. :)

      peace and love
      1ManView

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    3. 1ManView, why does humanity have to be so complicated?! Or rather, why do we make it so complicated? The guilt is the worst part.

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  4. I deal with this constantly - all I want is to be a perfect good little sub but I get selfish, want Master to do things my way or on my schedule. It's just not fair! Master has so much responsibility and its not my place to question Him. It's a journey and we will get better everyday and every time we put ourselves below them. xx

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    1. HarleyQ, mine has a lot on his shoulders too, and I hate to add to it, but sometimes I can't help but think, "if he would just do this, then I wouldn't be like that!" Then, of course, I feel terrible because that's not who I want to be. Sigh.

      You right though, it is a journey and it would do us good to appreciate every step.

      Thanks for commenting!

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  5. Hey Misty, you're not alone. I'm still the task master and now there is no relief, the things I want, the things I need, I am not getting and probably never will again in this situation. Deep breaths. Hugs. K

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    1. K, it's nice to see you here.

      I'm sorry to hear your situation hasn't improved! I hope that a solution will come your way soon.

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