Monday, March 7, 2016

A Need to Feel It

I haven't felt like a slave for months now. Honestly, I haven't felt like much of anything, besides a mess.

It all started with a fall that left me in a million pieces. Then, I kept refusing him.
I'm sure it made him question everything.
I was questioning everything. I struggle, a lot.

I convinced myself I could do without. I did enough to get by--I kept putting the plug in and my collar on, we had sex, I kept my head above the water. I was so tired of being so much work for him and I was determined to change. I did a pretty good job.


Time past and I began to feel like a fake. I wanted to change the blog name like a million times, because it made me mad sad every time I saw it. It got to the point that I felt like crying when I read other blogs, so I kept that to a minimum.

I consider myself a slave because that's what he says I am and I believe it because I feel it at my core. It has nothing to do with how we play or how he controls me. When I quit feeling like a slave, it's like I have something in my chest clawing to get out, and it's always fucking there.

I am his, nothing will change that, but (apparently) I need to feel it.

I can only take that clawing feeling for so long. It's annoying and it eats me up.

So we talked.

He thought I didn't really want to be controlled and I thought he didn't want to control me (because he seemed happy).
And, you know, it's hard to lead someone when they don't seem to follow and it's hard to follow when you think you don't have a leader.

Obviously, it boils down to no communication and a very confused me.

He has let me make his coffee since we talked.
I forgot to wear my plug yesterday and he let me know that it mattered (he enjoyed letting me know that it mattered and doesn't mind if I keep forgetting. (I didn't forget it today.))
Small steps, but there has been a shift in the air.
I feel like I'm ready to give up on being something I'm not.


  1. and downs and every which way....that need thing...told Master just this week, cause He has a rotten cold He needs to take care of himself..I need him. Be a whole lot easier if this slavery thing were something that we just wanted.....glad there is change in the air..
    hugs abby

    1. abby, I'm tired of struggling! So I'm just giving in. I'm not sure where we are going from here, but I feel a little better. :)

      Sorry to hear he's sick! Hopefully it won't last much longer!

  2. (((hugs))) I hate to be corny and call it 'a journey' but it is, and hard one to get one's head round it all, and get it so it's your way, yours and his not someone elses or how you think it should be... You know, getting it to be something that works for you both. There's nothing wrong with that at all, but sometimes you have to go through the feeling that's wrong, if you see what I mean!

    1. mckitten, I kinda feel like I've had my own words thrown back at me. :) On the post before this one I replied to a comment, would you believe I used the word journey?

      It's SO hard! Figuring it out and getting past the bad, it would be so much easier if there was a manual or something. But then it probably wouldn't be so special. Ugh! And I hate feeling like I'm a pain in his ass, so I try to deal with it all on my own. I end up being a bigger pain!

      Like you said, gotta go through it to learn.

  3. We've been to hell and back more than once over here. Sometimes it is him, sometimes it is me(okay maybe most times) a LOT of times it is the rest of the world honing in on our little bubble. I think sometimes it doesn't matter the who or the why as I always thought. I think sometimes it is 'merely' a case of this is normal, and what do I have to do to 'fix' it.

    We all know the one big thing is that dreaded "C" word. Urgh communication, so vital and annoying. I mean giving a voice to something means there IS something. Then what? Oh right, you have to DO something about it. That is if you don't do damage to one another's feelings while discussing what you 'think' is wrong.

    I say 'think' because in our case, often it hasn't been what one or the other has thought. Often we have spent more time discussing the discussion than the initial issue. LOL.

    Clawing on the inside? Yup I've felt that. Now when it happens, I think more of a flame becoming diminished. Never fully extinguished, but the warmth of it varies. I have decided that is by choice or by fear. I thought long and hard about something the other day. How we often hear or say, " I have to protect myself". Turns out I think that this is really about us protecting ourselves from OURSELVES, not our husbands/doms/masters/ hoh...( the list could go on forever here). I think the retreat isn't because we don't trust them, even though it appears that way, it is because we don't trust US to deal with things we don't 'see'. Now when I feel a diminished flame, I either try to breathe life into myself, (admittedly that only works so long), check the reasons for it, maybe the fire just needs to be banked for a while, ( as in Abby's Masters cold) and it will ignite again on it's own, or maybe someone needs to bring more wood to it. Time does help seeking out what is required. Faith is what allows you to believe the method chosen with work, and determination, will and NEED will ...WILL....allow you to try another way if you don't succeed with your first 100 attempts. LOL.

    It is horrid to hear, it is all part of the process, especially when you are living *in* it at the moment, but truly it is. Each obstacle will eventually make you stronger individually and as a couple if you let it. Discovery and growth, never come easy. Happy to hear you are going in a direction you feel is the right one.


    BTW I MUCH prefer adventure over journey ladies. Journey makes me think of 2 two dogs and a cat trekking across miles of farmland to find their owners who left them behind when they moved. ADVENTURE conjures up visions of The Goonies, treasure, scary things that aren't and all that jazz! ;)

    1. willie, I always worry that what I say will hurt him, I only want to find a solution to stop this madness! For some reason I can't get the words to come out right. Well, I am getting better at it, I think. I hope.

      Oh, yes, yes! It is myself I don't trust. A big part of my angst is that I don't trust that it's okay for me to want this. I mean, it's okay for all of you, but for me...that's a different story. I look to him, if he is okay with this, then I can be okay with it. If he wants it, then it's okay for me to want it. I'm quick to imagine/see that he doesn't want it and I hate myself for wanting it. So when he doesn't put wood in the fire, I try to smash it down and burn it out. And sometimes, when it's really bad, he'll put wood in the fire and I'll dump water all over it. Awesome, right? :/ I'm learning though, I think. I hope.

      I've never thought of a journey as a bad thing, but adventure does sound much more exciting! :)

  4. Wilma, I just had to comment on you response....AWESOME.....and I have been using journey...but you have convinces me adventure is better.
    hugs abby

    1. Thanks Abby! After I read it I thought, Good God woman you sure do ramble! Not too mention grammatical errors. Happy you found something worthwhile in it.

      As for adventure, I have been saying that for years around here. Guess just not in this 'corner' of blogland. LOL. Journey sounds so arduous to me. snort

    2. Lol! Ramble all you want, willie! You always give me something to think about.

  5. I'm struggling with my comments today.....maybe it's been too long away from blog land lately?? No coffee yet this morning?? Anyway...

    When you are in the middle of that storm of emotions there seems to be no lesson, no leap towards connection, no anything that will end up good. Yet, those moments push us to a place we needed to be. We evolve; sometimes slowly and painfully. Hang in there my friend!

    XOXO Pearl

    1. Pearl, it's definitely because you've been away too long! Fix it ;)

      You're right. I'm just so tired of it, you know? I want to evolve, learn, and grow, but I want to do it without mistakes and dark places!

      Thanks for stopping by, come back sooner!

    2. I'm back! =)
      The mistakes and dark places.....they REALLY suck.

      I like your new coffee post. See, sometimes a little "nothing" changes those damn dark spots just enough!


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