Sunday, March 6, 2016

Answer for Amy: Timely Punishments

Next question comes from Amy...

My question is, do you believe punishment must be dealt with immediately and if so, how have you handled a house full or a time when you weren't alone but needed correction?

I most definitely do not believe a punishment needs to happen directly after an infraction. I mean, if you can work it out that way, then that's great, but we don't live on the other side of the rainbow.

Let me explain a little further.

In my eyes, punishment should come when we have the time but, more importantly, when he is ready--maybe that's hours later, maybe days, and maybe it never happens.

The latter is a hard pill to swallow, one I've had to swallow many times. Had I not got some great advice from a couple friends, it would have taken me much longer to get it down.

Correction comes from knowing what I did wrong and change happens when I have a need (or want) to change, not by his hand or other means to that end. He could punish me time and time again for something, but I won't change until I really want to change. (Though somethings, no matter how much we want to change, just keep happening because we're human; e.g. slips in behavior.)

And, punishments are not something I should expect. It's not my choice.

I get a lot out of punishments (I really, really want them to be a part of our dynamic), but they don't necessarily need to happen, at all.

Thanks for the question, Amy, it was nice to think back and see how I've changed my perspective.


  1. Good reply, I have never thought of punishment as 'needing' to happen....they are His choice. They are rare around here now, but used to be a regular event....
    and now i have another question for punishment always a spanking...or sometimes being deprived of something or..
    hugs abby

    1. abby, you are a smarter woman than I! It took me awhile to see it wasn't a need, I just wanted it so bad.

      You're up next, I will answer this question and the one about limits. :)

  2. Good follow up question, Abby! And thank you for the answer Misty. I guess we are still too new to have this down. Eric apologizes if I deserve a spanking but he is gone and can't get to it. Somehow, that takes away from the whole "Eric is in charge" bit in my head. Sigh. We continue to try...

    1. Amy, it takes a lot of mistakes to learn what works. He and I still trying to figure it out and I'm sure we will be for quite awhile longer. You just gotta enjoy the journey, enjoy where you're at now, and be excited for what's to come.

      Not that you asked for my advice but... If you don't want him to be sorry, tell him. Tell him you don't mind waiting and show him you can wait. If he wants to be sorry, let him, it shows he wants to be there and he doesn't want to let you down, which is super sweet! Just an idea that might work for you two...either Eric or you could keep track of what you've done wrong, in a notebook or something, while he is gone and address it all when he comes home.

      Thanks again for asking me a question!

  3. Punishments are not a deterent here. They are a message that the action or inaction is imporant to my husband to follow through. We have gotten to the point that the mere mention, depending on the situation, is enough.

    I do agree though, that does take time to get to that point. For a lomg time B didn't punish often, but he did reset. He then punished but not reset. Lol All part of the growth process for both of us I suppose.


    1. willie, punishments weren't a part of what we did for the first year (unless you count guilt as a punishment) and even now they are fleeting. I thought they were absolutely necessary, he had a different view, so I had to change. It wasn't easy!

      Hope you are well!


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