There are a lot of little problems with asking and there is one huge problem with not asking.
By asking, I put myself out there, and what if he turns me down? I mean, if he wanted it, wouldn't he do it? If he'd rather be doing something else, I sure don't want to be the one to stop him.
Or what if he thinks I'm not ready or capable...or something? It's a reasonable possibility.
Or what if he already has plans and I just need to be patient?
What if I ask and it comes out all wrong? (Oh the horror!)
And, I love being dominated. If I ask, it takes away from that, and I want more!!
When I think of asking, I feel like...it goes against what I want to be. Or maybe I just feel fucked up for wanting more...
Deep down I know it's okay for me to want. This could be a need (it's hard to tell with these things)--I don't like needing.
If I don't ask, it builds. It's already up to my neck. I feel like screaming, and crying. I'm second guessing everything...okay, that's a lie, I'm overthinking everything. I'm also afraid of falling...
It's so confusing.
He's not completely ignoring me. I have gotten a little every night, which is a lot more than some people. I should be fine. But I'm not.
I don't even know what to ask for! Not exactly.
My mom is coming this weekend to visit, which means I won't get my normal fix (or maybe this time will be different?) and I'm kinda freaking out.