Tuesday, April 5, 2016

I Don't Want to Ask!

I can ask, he might even like me to ask (I don't really know), I just don't want to.

There are a lot of little problems with asking and there is one huge problem with not asking. 

By asking, I put myself out there, and what if he turns me down? I mean, if he wanted it, wouldn't he do it? If he'd rather be doing something else, I sure don't want to be the one to stop him.
Or what if he thinks I'm not ready or capable...or something? It's a reasonable possibility. 
Or what if he already has plans and I just need to be patient? 
What if I ask and it comes out all wrong? (Oh the horror!)
And, I love being dominated. If I ask, it takes away from that, and I want more!! 
When I think of asking, I feel like...it goes against what I want to be. Or maybe I just feel fucked up for wanting more...

Deep down I know it's okay for me to want. This could be a need (it's hard to tell with these things)--I don't like needing.

If I don't ask, it builds. It's already up to my neck. I feel like screaming, and crying. I'm second guessing everything...okay, that's a lie, I'm overthinking everything. I'm also afraid of falling...

It's so confusing. 

He's not completely ignoring me. I have gotten a little every night, which is a lot more than some people. I should be fine. But I'm not.

I don't even know what to ask for! Not exactly. 

My mom is coming this weekend to visit, which means I won't get my normal fix (or maybe this time will be different?) and I'm kinda freaking out. 



20 comments:

  1. Asking.....seems like a simple word and action...but oh, we (me included) can so make it confusing a difficult. It took Master a long time to convince me that asking is not telling, in fact He views asking, as me presenting Him with information into my head, which He loves to get. What if He says no...that is His right...easy to swallow no, but at least He has more information into something I might like at a later time.
    Asking is not demanding, not is it deciding...those two things are up to Him...you are not taking away from His dominance.
    Is He willing to sit and talk to you about needs.....just so you can let Him know where your head is....I used to write Master notes or letters when i felt i could not say it to His face.
    I am getting better at asking and informing and Master loves it...the more information He has, the more effective He can be....it took us a long time...or me, I should say...to get there, and I still clam up at times...but not as often.
    Not preaching, and I fully sympathize...I have been there.
    hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, me too! All of what abby said!

      Delete
    2. abby (and ksst), it sure would be a lot easier if he forced it out of me! He could tie me up and beat it out of me...two birds one stone! ;)

      Joking aside, I know I'm making this harder than it has to be, it's just a hard one to wrap my head around. I appreciate your advice so much! I think I might be able to get a little creative and come up with ways to share that don't stress me out (as much).

      P.S. I know you're not preaching, but you're more than welcome to do so!

      Delete
  2. Hmm or is it that asking might be telling him that he isn't giving you all you need? Are you worried that if you ask it will send him this message in his mind? I certainly know I have worried about that. AND to be honest there have been times that I have actually sent that message without meaning too.

    Ttwd is like crack ( I even wrote a funny post on it years ago http://barneymarriedwilma.blogspot.ca/2013/01/addicted-to-crack-photo-essay.html) The more you have, the more you want. What about the guilt of not being satisfied with what you have? I mean 'others don't have this much" right? Is that what is stopping you? I SHOULD be happy with X amount?

    I once wrote, though never published a post called, " Not a Puppy Anymore". I explained how when I was 'new' to ttwd any little attention, like a ball falling off an owners lap, would make the puppy excited. As time went on, the puppy required more exercise. But like I said on my Willie's World post, I got that way because HE created it. He became the addiction. The domination became the need. All from him. Try to think of that. Try to find a way to say that to him perhaps. Roll that around in your head. Maybe then you will see things differently about asking.

    willie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. willie, yes! In these moments of desperation words come out of mouth sounding much different than they do in my head! It sucks. I tend to over complicate things and forget that, with him, keeping it simple is best.

      You've made me think that perhaps I just need to tell him this is all his fault, he is so good I MUST have more. Lol.

      Delete
  3. Yeah.
    "Asking" plays on that whole being vulnerable thing quite well.

    "And, I love being dominated. If I ask, it takes away from that, and I want more!! "

    Nah. It just seems like it takes away from that but by asking, you are actually giving him all of it---mayhap its crossing a bridge from 'submission' to 'surrender' here, at least that's how I saw it for myself, on this issue of asking.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bleue, I think the vulnerable part is what gets to me the most--it makes my skin crawl. I know it is worth the risk, he is worth it, I'm worth it...I just have to figure out how to make myself take those first steps. It's just so scary.

      Surrender... Huh... Well... Hell... When you put it that way... I need to think.

      Delete
  4. Misty, I find myself constantly overthinking things and then when I finally tell Eric what's been in my head his answer is always the same, "I want to make you happy. Tell me what you need and my job gets that much easier." Granted, he carries out my wishes in his own time and on his own terms but when I can shut down the overthinking section of my brain and just say "Damn I could use a good spanking", life truly is better. Good luck! Amy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amy, you make it sound so simple.

      Thank you for the luck!

      Delete
  5. Think of asking as informing him. It's still his decision to act on it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. DF, I think that's exactly how I should see it. Now I just need the courage to inform him. Lol.

      Delete
  6. Asking doesn't mean it's any less his decision so go on ask him!
    I'm sure he will be grateful to know

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Daisy, I've messed this sort of thing up before. Sure, we aren't where we are now, but still!

      But, you're right, it's still his decision.

      Delete
  7. Hi Misty, I understand the dilemma, asking is so hard. I don't know what I can add to the comments above. I agree, asking is informing and it is then up to him what he does with that information. Better that he had a greater insight into your thoughts and feelings by you asking.

    Hugs
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Roz, it's so hard to take the first step.

      Delete
  8. I used to get round this by asking him if I was allowed to ask!

    It took a lot of reassurance from him but now im more confident that he wants to know and me asking or begging or expressing how desparate I am is no big deal and doesnt signify anything negative like being over needy or whatever.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. mc kitten, asking to ask is a good idea!

      Im definitely going to need some time to get used to this.

      Delete
  9. As a Mistress I can tell you that I love when my subs ask for something. Honestly I often say no, at least for the day. When a sub asks about a certain privilege, toy, or experience it lets me know with certainty more about what my sub feels that he wants. I certainly know how scary it can be for you to ask your master to do something that he currently does not do. As an alternative you may ask him how he would feel about you presenting some of your fantasies or requests to him. I expect he would be happy to hear them, but in the odd chance that he tells you he doesn't wish to hear your fantasy or requests, you still have not risked undermining his dominance or made him feel inadequate in any way

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous, thanks for taking the time to comment, it is nice to hear from the other side.

      After some reflecting I think I struggle with asking because I don't like opening up. Don't get me wrong, I definitely don't want him to feel inadequate and I don't want to take away from his dominance (for selfish reasons). When think of asking him if he wants to know some of my fantasies, like you say, I get really anxious. The whole process off opening up is a lot like driving on the wrong side of the highway in traffic--it's hard to move forward, it's scary, and it makes me wonder what the hell I'm I thinking. ;) I think the more I open up, the easier it will be, it's just those first steps... Maybe I will try your suggestion.

      Delete

I like views, but I love comments, so... say something, would ya'?