Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Reality

A week from today, almost down to the hour, the kids and I will be on a plane, headed almost two thousand miles (as the bird flies) away from him.

What I'm feeling is nothing I've experienced before. Last fall, when we left for two weeks, I didn't feel this way. Well, maybe a fraction of what I'm feeling now.

We'll only be gone for a week this time.

I'm on edge, jittery, overloaded, anxious, and sad, which is coming out in a most disapproving way.

I'm excited to see my grandmother and the ocean is always regenerating.

But...

Who is going to make his coffee?!

Or, in other words, what am I going to do without him?


Thursday, May 26, 2016

Master's Turn to Use Me

I had put the plug in and was about to put on my collar, just like I do every night (well, most nights) after the kids are asleep, when he came in and pushed me down on the bed, which is unlike other nights.

*shrugs shoulders* I guess he wanted to mix things up. ;)

Rope was tied around my wrists and ankles and then to the bed, so I was left spread out and my top fully exposed. This was my first time to be tied up like this, without cuffs, and let me tell you, cuffs are much more comfortable than rope. However, being the whore I am, the rope had its benefits too.

Then the nipple clamps went on.

Then he got out the magic wand and put it on my clit.

That's when he left to get the duct tape that would go over my mouth.

Then he got out the big dildo and that went in.

Don't forget, I had the plug in.

So, I was there with rope digging into my skin, spread out, unable to do a damn thing...

And he was doing his thing with all these things... Fucking me with the dildo, pushing the wand on me, pulling on the chain that connects the nipple clamps...

And he fucking wouldn't let me come!

It was excruciating! I wanted to come like five seconds after he put the wand on me, but noooooo.

This was Master at work, not Daddy, and he was having his fun.

It was impossible not to revel in the cruelty I most definitely wanted, which only made it harder to hold it in.

Breathing and relaxing was no longer possible.

I begged and begged. I tried so hard to wiggle this way and that, I even managed to somewhat sit up (he only pushed me back down), to lessen the need. It didn't lessen anything, it only made things worse.

Then, after what seemed like forever, he told me I could come.

I was waiting for a "...but if you do...", when that didn't happen, I asked, "Really?" It's all I could manage to say. Lol.

He assured me that it was the real deal, and I came.

It was if a light shined down on me from above and a single beautiful high note was sung. It was so good and lasted so long, I had tears running down my face.

I came a second time...I need to change the sheets for that one.

Oh, and that wasn't all!

He untied me and sat on my face. He gave me the option of licking his ass or balls...balls it was.

His cock and balls took turns with my mouth, except his cock had the pleasure of gagging me.

He ended up coming and a second time, later that night.

Talk about used up! :)

Monday, May 23, 2016

Missed Opportunities

He's been doing this "you can't come until I do" thing.

I've also used the magic wand most nights.

So, you know, that's...a struggle...until the end.

Except last night.

Last night, (I suspect) he wanted to make sure my pussy lips were attached to the rest of me.

FYI, they are firmly attached. (Good thing, 'cause I'm looking forward to doing that again.) (Yes, Daddy, I know I'm a whore.)

So, I had to use the wand until I thought I'd explode and after that, because my lips were busy holding on for dear life, I didn't get the opportunity to come.

So unfair!

Yeah, *sigh*, I liked that part, too.





Wednesday, May 18, 2016

In Case I Have Led You to Believe Otherwise

I am not a Mistress or a mistress. Sorry if I've disappointed you.

Now that we've cleared that up...

I'm also sorry that I have yet reply to your comments! I see them and I'm looking forward to replying to them, it's just that I've been working, painting rooms, gardening, mothering, exercising, and not enough slaving or sleeping.

Wine breake over, gotta put the kids to bed. Wish me luck and sanity.



Monday, May 16, 2016

Some Thoughts on Involvement with Others

There's parties, events, munches, demos, just friends, play partners, and everything else...I can't help but wonder what it would be like.

Thus far, the blog and email have been my only involvement with others in the lifestyle. (I was on FetLife for a short time, but I hardly count that as involvement.) It is comfortable here. A very nice distance from my personal life (gotta love that anonymity), easy to run away, which is probably why I haven't ran.

It would be nice to have coffee with someone that knew me, really knew me. Oh, make no mistake, the whole thing would stress me out to no end. I'd fret over everything until I turned blue. I'd think about backing out (up until the last second) then I'd suck it up and go, and I would be glad I did. That's just how I roll. ;)

I think a phone call would come before coffee, which is a different hurdle to overcome. A hurdle I've been given the chance to overcome and, in all this time, I have yet to jump it.

I'm in my little bubble over here. Again, it's comfortable. But we grow when we step outside of the bubble, and you never know who you might find.

Now, if I can't make a phone call is there any point in thinking about the rest?

Sure, there is! :)

Munches...getting together with a group of people I don't know? Yeah, that sounds reeeealy comforting. On the other hand, I would probably have a great time, if he could pull me out of the car.

Events...I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested, but it's outside of my radar, so I don't have any strong feelings.

Parties and playing with others...I have mixed feelings, strong mixed feelings. If I'd stress that much over coffee, I think you can imagine how much I'd stress over this. When I have fantasies that involve  others, we are not at a party...I guess it's more of an intimate setting. Honestly, I am much more comfortable with (the idea of) him finding another girl that I don't have to be involved with (as long as she isn't a bitch that tries to take my man!!), but that's not even close to how my fantasies go. I think that might be because I can just sit here in my comfortable spot and get off on the fact that he's doing something he wants, while my fantasies require more involvement. On the other hand, not all fantasies need to be lived.

The thing is though, I'm not ready for anything more than just friends, maybe I will never be ready for more, then again, that kinda depends on him too. I sure as hell won't do anything without him pushing me along. If he made moves toward putting new people in our lives, I'd follow. Of course I would. But I think I have too many insecurities and I'm still not used to these intense emotions. I don't trust people. We have kids to think about. People are crazy. And stupid.

So, yeah, I have more reasons to stay in my bubble than I do to leave it.

Except for friends. I think I need more of those.

This is one of those posts where I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and click publish... and here I go...

Saturday, May 14, 2016

I Didn't See It Coming

The kiddo's and I cleaned their room yesterday.

It looked good. The floor was completely free of run away crayons and marbles. Not a single item of dirty clothing or paper cutting in sight (or out of sight). Shoes tucked away in the closet and books put on their shelves.

And...well...

It wasn't good enough.

It. Wasn't. Good. Enough.

*Mind blown*

I thought I was tied up for fun, but nooooo, I wasn't.

He pulled out That Thing (I hate it!) and the truth came out, I was in trouble.

That Thing is a piece of wood that he turned into a paddle. When I see it, I want to run away. Seriously, I feel that shit in my toes. Not cool.

But it is greatly appreciated. I love that he sees I have more to give.






Friday, May 13, 2016

Turning Mistakes into Stepping Stones

Every so often he'll ask me to do something around the house. Usually, when something has gotten out of control and it has stayed that way for quite sometime.

What can I say, I'm not perfect.

Last time, he told me to make sure the kids' room got cleaned, in other words all I needed to do was make sure they cleaned it. 

Sigh

One thing led to another and...it didn't get done.

Surprisingly, that wasn't the worst part.
The worst part was that the importance of getting it done didn't sink in until I was tied up with my ass in the air and the crop was in his hand. 

He brought it up before we were at that point, and...I just...kinda...blew it off.

Yeah, I know. *head desk*

Anyway...

Why was it important? Because he asked. 
The girls could care less what it looks like and, obviously, it wasn't at the top of my list, but it was important enough to him that he told me to get it done.

What needs to happen? I need to get stuff (like this) done before he asks. 

That's what I want to be. 

And maybe, just maybe, my down time doesn't mean as much as it used to. Maybe my time is more of a luxury and less of a necessity...



Monday, May 9, 2016

The Short Version of Bliss

The kid free night happened...

I have bruises and bite marks.

My nipples are perfectly sore.

My holes...oh my holy holes! They were used and used again.

Plugged, hooked, and fucked, was my ass.

He was mean in the nicest of ways, making sure I got exactly what whores need. 

And, orgasm denial...he gave it a go. You know how you invison things going one way and they end up another way? This would fall under that list (we all knew it would). He did all these wonderful (and painful) things to me and still wouldn't let me come. It made no difference when my eyes started watering, or when I had to chant, "I will not come," to stop myself (mind over matter!), and not even when I did my best begging--he stayed firm through it all. Oh, it was horrible! And, naturally, I loved it.

"Happy Mother's Day," he said.

Lol. This is so backwards.




Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Settling In and Totally Excited

I think we're all aware that I can be slightly emotional from time to time. Okay, okay, I'm able to turn a little rain into the end of world on the drop of a dime, but so what?! It's a talent I've acquired in the past two and a half years...

I'm getting used to it though--my roots have settled in and are adapting. I think hope.

I told him that I might like orgasm denial...and the sky didn't fall! Seriously, I was waiting for something to crush me, but I'm still here, fully functional. It's crazy. And awesome. And I don't even care if we do it or not, it just feels good to tell him.

I might start overthinking it in a few days, but for now I'm good. ;)

An observation: the more I open up to him, the less I want to write here...I think it gets to be too much.

He took me downstairs a few nights ago--something he hasn't done since last November. The next morning, out of the blue, I started crying. I think it was an emotional overload, because it usually takes a couple days for me to drop. Anyway, I was able to see that I didn't have to let it overcome me,  I moved on and enjoyed the after effects. I missed going down there...

It feels like things are clearer, like I can finally see through the fear and insecurities. I haven't been fighting them, I just let them be and work through it.

It might be different tomorrow but at least I know I can do it.

I'm glad he took me downstairs...Yes, it was wonderful being tied up while he used the crop on my pussy (and all that other stuff), but I really needed to know I could do it, you know?

Especially since we might we might have a night to ourselves this weekend! Yep, that's right, we might be kid free this Saturday! I'm trying to not let myself get too excited (kids can be so unpredictable), but it's not working.

I'M SO FUCKING EXCITIED!

And a little nervous...

Which only makes me more excited.

Yay!