Saturday, July 30, 2016

44 Odd Things You Don't Know About Me

I've never done one of these before, but saw this over at The Continued Journey and thought, what the heck, why not?

1. Do you like blue cheese? Yes, yes I do. Especially on a salad.
2. Have you ever smoked? Smoked what? ;) Yes, I have smoked.
3. Do you own a gun? Nope, but Daddy does. I shot a gun for the first time last year.
4. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Whatever sounds good in the moment.
5. Do you get nervous before Doctor visits? Sure, don't you?
6. What do you think of hot dogs? Is there anything else to eat?
7. Favorite Movie? I don't have one.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee, duh.
9. Do you do push ups? Sometimes. On my knees. They suck.  
10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? Does my collar count?   
11. Favorite hobby? Currently it is writing.   
12. Do you have A.D.D.?  I don't think so.   
13. What’s the one thing you dislike about yourself? I'm an introvert.   
14. What is your middle name?  What's your middle name?  
15. Name three thoughts at this moment… 1. I'm tired 2. Kids are really freakin' good at making a mess 3. Daddy thinks about work too much  
16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? I only have two, coffee and water. 
17. Current worry? The list is never ending.
18. Current annoyance right now?  Kids. 
19. Favorite place to be? It depends on my mood, outside or the basement.
20. How do you ring in the new year? I like to sleep.
21. Where would you like to go? My best friend's house.
22. Name three people who will complete this? Uh, not sure if anyone will...
23. Do you own slippers? I do. I'm not sure where they are, but they're here somewhere.
24. What color shirt are you wearing right now? Maroon.
25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? I care more about the bed than I do sheets.
26. Can you whistle? Kinda.
27. What are your favorite colors? All of them, but my favorite of favorites is yellow.
28. Would you be a pirate? Arrrr, matey. I would suck at being a pirate.
29. What songs do you sing in the shower? Whatever song is playing.
30. Favorite girls name? You can make me chose just one! I have two girls.
31. Favorite boys name? Daddy's name.
32. What’s in your pocket right now? If I had a pocket there wouldn't be anything in it.
33. Last thing that made you laugh? My kids.
34. Best toy as a child? A tree and some dirt.
35. Worst injury you ever had? I broke a bone in my hand, it was a small break. I've been incredibly lucky.
36. Where would you love to live? Anywhere with him would do just fine.
37. How many TV’s do you have? Two.
38. Who is your loudest friend? Laura. I miss hanging out with her.
39. How many dogs do you have? None. It has been over three years since I held my baby.
40. Does someone trust you? You'd have to ask them.
41. What book are you reading at the moment? The Nature Principle by Richard Louv.
42. What’s your favorite candy?  I live for chocolate.
43. What’s your favorite sports team? The ones in Dallas/Fort Worth, TX. No, I don't live there, and if you have any Cowboy jokes bring 'em on, I'll laugh with you. 
44. Favorite month? May...I guess.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Must. Stay. Rational.

I want more structure. I want to be held accountable for my actions. And I don't want to feel bad about that.

It feels like I'm walking around in circles, trying to do this and that, and ending up exactly where I was in the beginning, all that work for nothing.

This is not a stab at what he is not doing. Please, please, please see that.

His want trumps my want in so many ways--he didn't put that in place, it's the way I want it. No matter what I want, no matter how bad I want it, if he doesn't want it...I don't want him to change. I mean that.

I own the fact that I don't always have the best reaction to his requests, but I always have the best intention. My actions don't always reflect what's happening inside and I'm working on that. It would probably be easier for him if I was a bit more pleasing about it all.

We had twelve years to develop another way of living, so of course it is going to take time to get to something else.



I'm slipping into irrational territory.

I'm starting to worry that this isn't important to him. It touches a place from my childhood... "Am I not worth the effort?"

That's not fair to him, because he is putting forth effort. Lots of it. Which makes me feel like I'm too much work and I don't want to put more on his shoulders.


I need to stop beating myself up because I want more.

I want more, there is nothing wrong with that.
We are working on it.
We are doing this.
He wants this too.

I just gotta keep my cool.

Easier said than done.

Monday, July 25, 2016

A New Addition

I really meant to write this earlier, but more important posts came up--you know how that goes, right?

When I was in the mist of my last blogging funk and revamping this place (thanks again, willie!), I had an idea for a new place. Not one that would replace A Submission to Slavery, but a place that would kinda add to it, in a way.

I also want to get better at writing, and they say, "If you want to get better, you gotta write, a lot." I'm at this point where this whole journal blogging thing is comfortable (I found a voice!), however I ache for a challenge. I want to play with words!

Do I need another place for that? No, I just want one, okay?!

Well, I know all of you are so excited to see the new place (and its grand total of two posts) so here's the link, Bound to be Inspired.

FYI, I added a page that will take you there (look next to "Home") so you can find it in the future, or you can always add it to your blog roll.

Friday, July 22, 2016

The Core Component (In My Opinion)

Recently, I was over at Pygar's place, A Kind Dom, commenting about the word "play" and an anonymous person made a comment that I must write about. You can read here for the entire conversation, but this is the part that had my wheels spinning....
Previously, as part of a 24/7 dynamic, 'play' was the core defining component of the relationship. Isn't that what the lifestyle is ultimately all about? The physical thrill? Who is a person outside the scene? After play? 
No doubt about it, sex/play/scene/fun times/etc. has a firm place in this lifestyle. I feel that the majority of people want to see that aspect of it (we all know how sex sells) because it's fun and it feels good, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that (as long as you don't forget there's more to life than getting off).

But, is that the core of this lifestyle? No, I don't think it is. It's not for me. 

Our sexual orientation defines what kind of relationship we are in, it does not define our relationship. And, I think it is easy to lose sight of that, given the conditions of this lifestyle. 

Before Daddy, I had sexual non-kinky relationships, and that's all it When you start getting into committed relationships, where people are emotionally involved, you are in a totally different chapter book.

This lifestyle is far more complicated and involved than the "physical thrill". Of course, that's where it starts and stops with some, however, as far as I can see, it's so much more. Even if you are all about play, surely you can see more in others just as I can?

And, is it really the physical thrill we all love, or the mental thrill?

Who am I before, after, and in between play?

I'm a lot of different things that I'm not when we are playing and I do behave differently outside of our alone time. Life is full of responsibilities and obligations that take precedence over our dynamic, nonetheless, no matter what I am doing, I'm still his. And, you know what? He's mine, too. Not in the same sense, but he is mine, and I will no doubt turn into mama-bear if you mess with him. 

What is the core of our relationship?

To sum up what I could say in a thousand words... Persistent togetherness. Of course there is love, respect, and a lot of other things, however without persistent togetherness I don't think those other things would have held us together.

We hold onto each other like a tick to a hound dog, and that is why I ache to be everything he wants. It is what lurks behind the actions that put us in a power exchange relationship. He has my love because he sticks with me no matter what, not because he knows how to dominate me. Without that firm togetherness the physical thrill would pale in comparison.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

It's So Sad...

And it hurts to read, but please go comment here. It might help them just a little...

Oh, who am I kidding, it probably won't, but go anyway.

Sunday, July 17, 2016

It's Good, I'm Good, We're All Good

Part of my problem is that I don't know if I'm using it as a crutch or as a helping hand. Yes, yes, I could ask him where that line stands, but that would be too easy.

Perhaps it is my perspective that is off. Maybe it's not a crutch or a helping hand, maybe it's something else entirely.

I'm in danger of digressing.

He took me downstairs.

I was informed early in the day, therefore it wasn't a secret that I was "going to get it".

He tied my hands overhead and started with the magic wand. I was frustrated, 'cause I wasn't where I wanted to be mentally. I just felt blah, you know?

Off to a great start.

But, he had a plan!

Candles, were his plan.

You must know, I asked him about candles ages ago, and got my feelings hurt because he didn't seem interested.

After the wand had brought me to the point of pain and wax sprinkled my breasts (a few times), shoulders (I was standing), back, and bottom, he fucked me.

As I was picking off pieces of wax and letting them fall to the floor, when he said, "Don't forget to clean this up tomorrow."

Of course, I would be the one to clean it up (duh), but it put a smile on my face to hear it from him.

"When you get up stairs, take off your ankle cuffs. You can go ahead and take out the hook, too."

I took note that he didn't tell me to take off my wrist cuffs, and that made me smile too.

It wasn't a night when everything went perfectly, but it was perfect in itself. Definitely one that I would hate to forget.

The candles were thrilling. I knew I was safe, but still feared being burnt. Towards the end, my hands were tied to the bench so they were behind me a little, the anal hook was tied to the rafters above, duct tape was over my mouth, and I had wax dripping on me. If I didn't hold still, if I didn't offer what piece of skin he wanted...accidents happen, and I have skin and hair that I would like to keep! The fear was quite lovely.

And, as you would guess, today I'm in a good place. :)

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Ignoring Responsibilities?

Maybe I should write about not leaving blogland more often. :)
I love all the comments and interaction on my last post! Seriously, you guys are going to give me a big head.

I started in a hormonal funk, then moved to a blogging funk, now I'm in a I-have-too-much-shit-to-do funk.

I checked out two books at the library. Two! I knew better.
I found these free online courses, I signed up for five or six of them. (I want to learn, darn it!) All start at different times, but some overlap, there's three going on right now. I have no clue why I did that.
The house is a mess. I can't freaking keep up (kids...).
Weeds are starting to take over the garden again.
Summer is half over and I need to do more fun stuff with the girls. (Very important to me.)
I haven't been baking bread, or planning dinners (it's a rule *sigh*), or exercising.

The list just goes on and on.

"Why are you here blogging?" I hear you ask.

Because...I'm lazy? I don't know!

I know I'm overwhelmed by it all.
And I want to hide in front of the computer.

Someone died yesterday, while they were on vacation. And I can't do anything to help.

It's times like this that I want him to control me more.
I want to feel the (metaphorical) whip crack behind me.
I want to find a spot at his feet, and just be.

But, I feel like I should take care of my responsibilities before I ask for such things. Sure, I know it would help straighten my thoughts out, but I kinda wonder if it enables me, in a bad way...

That's it. I'm off to clean...or bake bread...or pull weeds...

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

I'm Not Leaving

There has been a string of people that have left, or are taking a break from blogging, or have just up and disappeared and, to be honest, I've been thinking about leaving for a couple months now.

I have my reasons excuses, none of which are good enough (it boils down to fear, I think), so I can't really justify leaving. And, besides, I love writing.


I miss people.

And, so many that were here in the beginning of my blogging aren't here anymore, and now people are leaving (some have said as much, some I just suspect). People come and go, *shrugs shoulders*, that's blogging.

It's hard for me because (some of) those people helped me become who I am today, and somewhere along the way I became attached. I'm not normally an attached kind of person (things change, people change, it's how life works), so it's surprising to find this out. 

As an attempt to disengage, I've thought very seriously about leaving and moving. 

I can't say I won't move (having my own website sounds fun (but a lot of work that I don't have time for right now)), however I can say I'm not going to stop blogging.

Maybe I just need a change, of some sort... A new layout? New content? New...something...

Saturday, July 2, 2016

It Will Pass

I'm going through a rough patch.

*shrugs shoulders*

It happens.

I partly blame my body--the week (maybe even a week and a half) before I start my period I am in no mood for sexual endeavors. Like, give me pain or pleasure, try your best, but it ain't happening (for me). And, by that I mean, I'm not going to enjoy it. I can't even manage to enjoy it because I don't enjoy it.

Which turns into... I'm a horrible slave. I'm a fake slave.

It takes of running from there and moves on to other areas that I could be better at. Which is pretty much everywhere.

So, my mind is to blame, as well. In fact, it's the main problem, I just can't get it on the right page. If the mind isn't engaged, the body can't get there.

The worst part is, that I want to want it. I really fucking want it. It just isn't there and it won't come back until I start my period. It is so frustrating!

To give you a glimpse...

It was so bad I was so bad, that he stopped right in the middle of "it" and got ready for bed.
And that was the end of that.

So, yeah, I suck.

I don't want to muck it up again. I don't know if I can bear it.