I want more structure. I want to be held accountable for my actions. And I don't want to feel bad about that.
It feels like I'm walking around in circles, trying to do this and that, and ending up exactly where I was in the beginning, all that work for nothing.
This is not a stab at what he is not doing. Please, please, please see that.
His want trumps my want in so many ways--he didn't put that in place, it's the way I want it. No matter what I want, no matter how bad I want it, if he doesn't want it...I don't want him to change. I mean that.
I own the fact that I don't always have the best reaction to his requests, but I always have the best intention. My actions don't always reflect what's happening inside and I'm working on that. It would probably be easier for him if I was a bit more pleasing about it all.
We had twelve years to develop another way of living, so of course it is going to take time to get to something else.
I'm slipping into irrational territory.
I'm starting to worry that this isn't important to him. It touches a place from my childhood... "Am I not worth the effort?"
That's not fair to him, because he is putting forth effort. Lots of it. Which makes me feel like I'm too much work and I don't want to put more on his shoulders.
I need to stop beating myself up because I want more.
I want more, there is nothing wrong with that.
We are working on it.
We are doing this.
He wants this too.
I just gotta keep my cool.
Easier said than done.