Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Must. Stay. Rational.

I want more structure. I want to be held accountable for my actions. And I don't want to feel bad about that.

It feels like I'm walking around in circles, trying to do this and that, and ending up exactly where I was in the beginning, all that work for nothing.

This is not a stab at what he is not doing. Please, please, please see that.

His want trumps my want in so many ways--he didn't put that in place, it's the way I want it. No matter what I want, no matter how bad I want it, if he doesn't want it...I don't want him to change. I mean that.

I own the fact that I don't always have the best reaction to his requests, but I always have the best intention. My actions don't always reflect what's happening inside and I'm working on that. It would probably be easier for him if I was a bit more pleasing about it all.

We had twelve years to develop another way of living, so of course it is going to take time to get to something else.

But...

Emotionally...

I'm slipping into irrational territory.

I'm starting to worry that this isn't important to him. It touches a place from my childhood... "Am I not worth the effort?"

That's not fair to him, because he is putting forth effort. Lots of it. Which makes me feel like I'm too much work and I don't want to put more on his shoulders.

Urrrrrrrrrrgh!

I need to stop beating myself up because I want more.

I want more, there is nothing wrong with that.
We are working on it.
We are doing this.
He wants this too.

I just gotta keep my cool.

Easier said than done.

18 comments:

  1. I get it. I know many, many of us have been there. That is the odd thing with ttwd, and perhaps a scary thing for them, it can appear that we are never satisfied. It isn't that, it is the growth. We grow, and what once was a challenge, becomes second nature...essentially upping the ante. It sucks actually. I mean think of where you were last year, bet last year's Misty would have been over the moon for this year's Misty! LOL.

    I know it isn't helpful, but honestly if I said, 'breathe, be patient...give him time" admit it, you'd want to kick me in the shin. So you get... I GET IT....and maybe try to be more open with what is actually in the inside. Not that second, but within 24 hours.

    willie

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    1. willie, you're right, I would have been thrilled. Last year wasn't easy.

      And it does suck. Will I ever be sated?!!!

      I might want to kick you, just a little. Lol!

      We might have slowed down in ways, but he is doing more in other ways...it's just fear, I think. Fear that I'm too much.

      Delete
  2. Thank you for sharing this, Misty. (default apology again for posting comments without having a full grasp of the situation)

    The inner-most pangs of the heart are rarely rational, especially when they stem from emotional damage from youth. I'm still slowly gathering information on the dynamics you have going on, but it seems that your desires are currently beyond his.

    One trick that I have found to combat the conflict you have going on is to come up with ideas/reasons for how your needs/desires overlap with what will benefit him. If you can come up with a good set of ideas it makes communicating that much easier. If you can't come up with a good set of ideas then it can often ease the emotional turmoil of not having them. In any case the task can serve as a distraction from the current set of feelings while still channeling the parts of you that you wish to reach.

    Take care.

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    1. Fur, it is an inner battle. I know what reality is (most of the time), but then all that history comes back to tell me I'm wrong and it isn't real.

      I will give your idea a try!

      Thank you.

      Delete
  3. Submissives are hard work, we need control but that's ok because Dominants need control too. You don't need to worry your being a pain because he wants the control.
    I've sent you a email :)

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    1. Thank you, Daisy.

      Sometimes it just doesn't feel okay. I mean, I know it is, but...

      Delete
  4. You caught yourself.
    So you didn't actually slip.
    And when you've lost your cool, he has been right there to set you right.
    *hugs*

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    1. Bleue, I'm still holding on as tight as I can...

      Delete
  5. God, I could have written this. I think we all go through it. Hang in there. One day at a time!

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    1. Lea, thank you. It's nice to know others have been here. I just feel like I'm here more often than not, it's exhausting.

      Delete
  6. I just found your blog today and thought I'd say hi.

    This post REALLY resonates with me. I SO get the wanting more, I get the being irrational, and I also get not wanting to put more on him. So how do YOU "just keep your cool"? I could sure use some pointers in that department lol

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    1. Hello, His slut. Glad you found my blog, I love seeing new people around here. :)

      I'm still finding my way through this, however I did receive some invaluable advice recently from fur sissy (you'll find him ^up there) which I will pass along to you.

      In addition to the advice he left in his comment, you can also try kneeling (or whatever uncomfortable pose works for you), think of three things you can do for him and put them into action. If you're still not feeling better, do it again. I have found this to be SUPER helpful, even when I'm in a good place.

      The key is to put your mind on something positive and keep it there.

      Best of luck!

      P.S. I see that you have a blog of your own, I will follow you. :)

      Delete
    2. Hello there. The tips that I gave Misty were about trying to self-induce a subspace to help feed the craving.

      If you have a favorite "pose" that you use as a ritual or a piece if ornamental jewelry etc. Focusing on those can help open the mind to that state.

      Channeling the desperation into a beneficial action also helps a lot once you are in that state. Misty mentioned the easiest of them which is to come up with ways to make them happy, often just some small actions or gestures you can perform. This is a way of taking the negative energy (unmet desire to serve or something similar) and turn it into somehhing beneficial.

      It doesnt always work but it can help with cravings.

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    3. Also I generally accept that the cravings cannot be squashed. They are better off being fed in a beneficial way :)

      Delete
    4. I'm so glad you chimed in, fur!! Thank you. :)

      Delete
  7. I have just found your blog :) And I do not usually reply, because I feel it unfair to be let into everyone else's sub space, but Sir will not allow mine to be public.

    When I get like this I answer questions. I have more if you like :)

    Hope you feel better soon

    Jess

    Here are 30 days of submission questions:

    1) Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label?
    Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?
    2) Describe who you might submit to and how.
    Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?
    3) How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive?
    How do you feel when you express your submission?
    4) Do you switch into a dominant role at any time?
    If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?
    5) Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?
    6) What do you feel are the roots of your submission?
    Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?
    7) Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission?
    How do you feel about it?
    8) Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission?
    Why or why not?
    9) Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission?
    How do you feel about them?
    10) Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships?
    How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?
    11) Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission?
    How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?
    12) Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself?
    If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?
    13) Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission?
    Why or why not? Are there limits to this?
    14) Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit?
    If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?
    15) Has your submission evolved over time?
    If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?

    ReplyDelete
  8. It wouldn't let me publish all 30 :)

    16) Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships?
    If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?
    17) What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?
    18) How does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?
    Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions,
    19) How socially connected is your submission?
    Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?
    20) Has your submission increased or decreased over time?
    Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?
    21) Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?
    22) Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?
    23) Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you?
    Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?
    24) What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission?
    What feelings do they inspire?
    25) Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission?
    If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?
    26) What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why?
    Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?
    27) Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore?
    Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?
    28) Has your submission ever let you down?
    Have you ever been criticized for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that.
    29) Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission?
    What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?
    30) Is your need to submit being met?
    If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again? What makes submission special to you?

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    Replies
    1. Jess, feel free to invade my space! :) I LOVE comments, no matter who they come from.

      I have another blog, that is slowing dying (when it hasn't even begun), I might answer these questions there...or maybe I'll split them up between here and there... either way, thank you so much!

      You can find my other blog here

      Delete

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