Friday, July 22, 2016

The Core Component (In My Opinion)

Recently, I was over at Pygar's place, A Kind Dom, commenting about the word "play" and an anonymous person made a comment that I must write about. You can read here for the entire conversation, but this is the part that had my wheels spinning....
Previously, as part of a 24/7 dynamic, 'play' was the core defining component of the relationship. Isn't that what the lifestyle is ultimately all about? The physical thrill? Who is a person outside the scene? After play? 
No doubt about it, sex/play/scene/fun times/etc. has a firm place in this lifestyle. I feel that the majority of people want to see that aspect of it (we all know how sex sells) because it's fun and it feels good, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that (as long as you don't forget there's more to life than getting off).

But, is that the core of this lifestyle? No, I don't think it is. It's not for me. 

Our sexual orientation defines what kind of relationship we are in, it does not define our relationship. And, I think it is easy to lose sight of that, given the conditions of this lifestyle. 

Before Daddy, I had sexual non-kinky relationships, and that's all it When you start getting into committed relationships, where people are emotionally involved, you are in a totally different chapter book.

This lifestyle is far more complicated and involved than the "physical thrill". Of course, that's where it starts and stops with some, however, as far as I can see, it's so much more. Even if you are all about play, surely you can see more in others just as I can?

And, is it really the physical thrill we all love, or the mental thrill?

Who am I before, after, and in between play?

I'm a lot of different things that I'm not when we are playing and I do behave differently outside of our alone time. Life is full of responsibilities and obligations that take precedence over our dynamic, nonetheless, no matter what I am doing, I'm still his. And, you know what? He's mine, too. Not in the same sense, but he is mine, and I will no doubt turn into mama-bear if you mess with him. 

What is the core of our relationship?

To sum up what I could say in a thousand words... Persistent togetherness. Of course there is love, respect, and a lot of other things, however without persistent togetherness I don't think those other things would have held us together.

We hold onto each other like a tick to a hound dog, and that is why I ache to be everything he wants. It is what lurks behind the actions that put us in a power exchange relationship. He has my love because he sticks with me no matter what, not because he knows how to dominate me. Without that firm togetherness the physical thrill would pale in comparison.


  1. persistent togetherness - love it.

  2. As you know I was part of this discussion, and I would suspect that the individual might be referring to a strictly BDSM relationship. Actually she said dynamic initially. Perhaps that is the key. I don't view my relationship as a dynamic. I view the 'dynamic' as part of our relationship, but not the whole of it. I honestly know very few people who would consider sex to be the core of their ttwd, or even spanking/punishments for that matter. Sex is an expression of many things and is crucial, but God forbid something happened and we couldn't, we would find a way to connect differently. Quite frankly I find other ways of submission equally as satisfying if not more challenging and therefore their effects last longer.

    I stole this quote from a blog, and I can't remember which one, so please forgive me. I believe it plays into a bit of this, and if not, it is something to think on anyway ;)

    "BDSM is two different things that are often but not always mixed together: sensation play and power dynamics. If someone is getting spanked and they love the feeling of that, that’s sensation play. If they love the feeling of someone overpowering and disciplining them, that’s a power dynamic. BDSM play without power play is called sensation play. Sensation play combined with some element of power play, often where one person is designated as being in charge, is called topping and bottoming. Power play that extends beyond the sexual arena is usually called domination and submission (D/s). People crave sensation play because they like how it feels; **people crave domination and submission because it fills a deep psychological need."**

    Breaking down our relationship, the physical aspect does play a huge part, as you said, but it ADDS to the psychological need. Without the latter being fulfilled, for me, it feels like a game. And neither one of us are interested in that ( not judging those who are). I am not saying I wouldn't miss the 'play' aspect of it, but to us the play part has very serious components to it. It serves a purpose beyond the bedroom or torture chamber ;)

    The core of our relationship? Transparency ( on good days, attempting transparency on others).

    1. willie, you always give me something to think about. :) That quote does break it down well.

      I really do try to look at the whole of BDSM and not just my relationship when I write these sort of things. I asked myself, "Is that possible?" And, you know, I don't see it. No matter if one is so far down the rabbit hole that upside down is right side up or if they're just a toe deep, I don't see how play could be at the core of a relationship, unless they are not emotionally involved.

      Other ways of submission are huge for me, as well. In fact, they prime me for play. And, yes, it does feel like a game without that aspect--I hate that feeling. I do think "play" is a bigger part for him than it is for me, after all he is a man, but it's still more than that.

      I just don't see how you could have a 24/7 relationship with play at it's core, and perhaps that's why anonymous is no longer in that relationship?

    2. I went back to read the entire comment again. I did this because he/she said 'the core DEFINING moment' and if you take just those 4 words perhaps we are interpreting this all wrong. It could have meant that once they started 'playing' things changed for doesn't...LOL.

      This was the remainder of the comment, ( which had me believing this person and I were VERY different, so much so they didn't have an understanding even of life in a 24/7 D/s relationship),

      "But, which came first? The urge to either submit, or dominate, physically or the urge to give away responsibility, oops engage in power exchange of a more ethereal nature? I think the sex thing came first and perhaps the rest is, for some, taking the thrill a step further?"

      As this is your blog and you know me, I will say here the 'urge to give away RESPONSIBILITY" and particularly the 'oops' part after, pissed me right off..until I then remembered, meh they don't get it. Although I still think it insulting that someone could be so flippant about something they don't comprehend.

      As for play is a bigger part for him? Hmm I'll have to think on that. I do know,(as he told me I haven't ever thought to look 'there' ) that Barney does become very *fulfilled* when he is throwing around his weight, especially in a heated situation. Which of course RARELY happens here as I am such an angel!!! (shut it)

    3. willie, you know, I wrote this post, then read over the comment again and thought, "Did I read that wrong?!" But, they did say it was a core defining *component*... I also wondered if play, for them, included things that I don't think of as play...

      As for the other part, I think they've got the responsibility part wrong too.
      Though, for me, I think the urge to be dominated in bed did come first, but it was soon followed up by wanting more.

      I love how we're dissecting this person's comment. Lol.

      Well, either way, if I read it right or not, I still meant what I said. :)

    4. Love your blog. I am a VERY curious vanilla. Happily (really) married. I love to read blogs like yours and hear what others do, think, feel. thank you :))))))))))))))

    5. Explorer, I'm so sorry I missed replying to your comment!

      Thank you for reading here, I'm so glad you enjoy my blog. Your comments put a smile on my face. :)

    6. Ohh, thank you so much :))))))))))))))))))))

  3. Wonderful post Misty, I agree, there is more to this lifestyle than the physical thrill. Having said that though, we wouldn't do it without the thrill. Love what you said about togetherness :)


    1. Roz, I think that's where I get confused...there is definitely more to the lifestyle, but it wouldn't be what it is without the thrill.

      Thinking out loud here...

      Maybe the thrill and attachment (or whatever you want to call it) are so closely intertwined that they are one...
      Maybe I don't want to believe that play is part of the core...

  4. Thank you for this post, Misty. I usually hold off from making comments until I have enough of an understanding of the context but you have been kind enough to visit my blog. I apologize in advance if any of this is out of place. It will take me a while to read back far enough to get a better feel for how things are for you.

    As strong as a pull that the physical aspects of D/s have, what keeps me here is definitely the mental/emotional dynamics. I think that for many subs there is something inside of us that creates the need for D/s. I tend to believe that it is completely irrational to be submissive, so there has to be something deeper that makes us give up control... that makes being pushed and having our limits stretched so fulfilling.

    Having spent time in a long-distance relationship and another that was limited to 1-2 days a week, I do agree that togetherness is a huge aspect as well. I think togetherness is what allows for us to be both strong and weak. It allows us to succeed and fail... to be perfect and make mistakes.

    While mental dynamics can carry on even when separated... knowing someone will be there to hold you when you need it really is that important.

    Take care.

  5. Fur, this "I tend to believe that it is completely irrational to be submissive, so there has to be something deeper that makes us give up control..." is interesting! I will have to think on that some more.

    Yes! It's knowing that someone is there for you, that they accept you for all that you are and all that you are not. It's priceless.

    1. Thank you, Misty.

      I mostly think of it in regards to the basics of it being more rational to get what you want than to disempower oneself and hope that you get what you want. That we submit and give up that power carries a lot of weight and signifies a greater emotional need. If that was not the case, roleplay would be enough, but in many cases the need stems from a much deeper place.

    2. It is deep, so deep that I have actually felt that I am selfish...I do it because I like it, I want more because it makes me feel good. I don't do it against my will, even the stuff I don't want to do, I do because I want it.

      Makes sense, right? Lol.

    3. And, that doesn't really seem very submissive to me!

    4. Whoa. That there is one complex line of thinking. I once had a rather in depth conversation with some friends about whether or not is it submission if it is 'easy' and well now you've added another component. It really CAN seem selfish. I think however that feeling fulfilled is not a selfish need. I also believe that if your partner is a willing participant we have to trust that it isn't selfish, but rather merely beneficial to all. You/we must try and remember that even if we asked for ttwd, they still chose to carry it out. We don't choose what to be submissive to, we submit to what they want, and even if that is our want and need, that doesn't make it any less submissive.

      Think of running. Just because you chose to run the Boston Marathon (though why would you *wink*),you found a couch, followed their training meathods and completed it, it doesn't make your accomplishment any less great because you wanted to run it, and asked for help to get yourself where you needed to be. On the contrary it makes you self aware.

    5. willie, I'm ashamed that I haven't replied to your comment.

      I think we could talk ourselves in circles on this one. Perhaps we could say, we are selfish in an unselfish way? :)

      I like the thought of it being beneficial...I will have to think on that.

    6. Hot shares. There is no ONE right way. Different strokes... and change is inevitable. Love your blog :)))))))))))


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