Wednesday, August 31, 2016

The Blog Name

Obviously, it has changed.

It is my (irrational) way of screaming that I'm in pain.

I cannot stand to see that name. It pains me, like a dagger piercing through my soul.

This blog is a reflection of me. I'm here to be honest, not for you, but to be honest with myself. Before these pages started, I tried very hard to be someone I wasn't, I kept pieces of me in the darkest corner I could find and I ignored them. I can't stress how important it is to me to keep this honesty going. I cannot lose sight of what's inside me.

Yes, it's where I want to be, but the other name isn't where I am right now.

I don't have many places to express what's going on inside...the new name and new look has helped me express that. I do hope it's not permanent.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016


He started talking to me, then he got a call that led to him working out of town for a few days.

I feel a little better. Not because he's gone, but because I know what's on his mind, or part of it anyway.

I know he wants to make this work. And I'm still very open to making it work.

But, I'm still on guard, 'cause that's just how it's gotta be.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

The Way It Is

I told myself I wouldn't come here again to do this. *sigh*

I'm tired of coming here, every fucking month, to write about how I'm struggling.
I'm tired of wanting more and hating myself for it.
I'm just fucking tired.


"More" is off the table. We are just bedroom players now.

My soul can't handle it anymore.

Because I'm the s-side I have felt like I should adjust to his D-side...that's kind of our place, right? Walk the path he gives, make his expectations yours, etc., etc..

Well, he has given me a path to walk and I've given it my best for three years and six days. His path is a nice one, that should work (I'm sure it would work for many), but I've found that I can't force myself to be something I'm not. And he can't force himself to be something he's not.

It is what it is and we are what we are.

Monday, August 15, 2016

It's Been Awhile

I haven't been compelled to write, so I haven't, and I'm cool with that. Which is kinda strange. Nevertheless, I'm here now.

I'm just not sure what I want to say. :)

My emotions are still all over the place, but it's different, I have ways to manage. And that seems to have freed me up to focus more on positive things.

Daddy has been acting different too. He's had me sit at his feet, trim his nails, and all kinds of awesome stuff!
I've even done the dishes (a few times) in my underwear, high heels, collar, and the chained nipple clamps that run through the D-ring on my collar. And he wants them done in a specific way, it's not at all comfortable and I absolutely love it.

I just feel really good about where we are.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

I Can Be Full

I was once a child with holes.

There is a cavern for a father that protects with fierce love. Gaps in space and moments in time left empty because he should have been something he wasn't made to be. It's a place that keeps me from throwing away a birthday card I didn't even want.

"I do love you immensely."

Fuck. You.

And pain drips down my face.

Trust was carved out of my heart by a monster who wanted my innocence before I had a chance to know any different.

No one is who they seem.

Holes drilled through foundation by a mom, with love in her heart, whom lead me to believe I wasn't worth the fight. She blinded herself when I needed her the most.

"I don't know why I try."

She didn't try.

Now, I am an adult with holes.

Holes that couldn't be filled, until they could.

They are filled by him with love that looks cruel and care that looks like pain, in place that appears to be dark, but there is only light.

It's my shame that he has taken as his own. Something I don't deserve, but I will do my best to repay.

*          *          *

I must have underestimated the power in knowing I'm not alone. To know that someone really understands where I'm coming has made me feel like it will all be okay even when I'm not okay, which (I'm sure you know) is priceless. Thank you, fur, for being here.