Wednesday, August 3, 2016

I Can Be Full

I was once a child with holes.

There is a cavern for a father that protects with fierce love. Gaps in space and moments in time left empty because he should have been something he wasn't made to be. It's a place that keeps me from throwing away a birthday card I didn't even want.

"I do love you immensely."

Fuck. You.

And pain drips down my face.

Trust was carved out of my heart by a monster who wanted my innocence before I had a chance to know any different.

No one is who they seem.

Holes drilled through foundation by a mom, with love in her heart, whom lead me to believe I wasn't worth the fight. She blinded herself when I needed her the most.

"I don't know why I try."

She didn't try.

Now, I am an adult with holes.

Holes that couldn't be filled, until they could.

They are filled by him with love that looks cruel and care that looks like pain, in place that appears to be dark, but there is only light.

It's my shame that he has taken as his own. Something I don't deserve, but I will do my best to repay.

*          *          *

I must have underestimated the power in knowing I'm not alone. To know that someone really understands where I'm coming from...it has made me feel like it will all be okay even when I'm not okay, which (I'm sure you know) is priceless. Thank you, fur, for being here.

32 comments:

  1. Hugs...and I am so happy you found the one who really understands and can fill your holes....
    hugs abby

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    1. abby, I'm happy to know my holes can be filled!

      I'm afraid I wasn't clear on that last bit, I went back and reworded it. Sorry about that.

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  2. This is a lovely post, Misty. I can relate to it very strongly.

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    1. You are very welcome, Misty.
      I am glad that I could be helpful in some way.

      Take care.

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    2. You're awesome! Thank you, again. :)

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  3. Replies
    1. I mean about the holes being filled of course ... not about them being there to begin with.

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    2. Lilli, :) I knew what you meant.

      It's a good feeling to know I'm not completely broken.

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  4. Hi Misty, I don't know your story but think you and I have had some of the same crap in out backgrounds, if I recall. This line "It's my shame that he has taken as his own. Something I don't deserve, but I will do my best to repay." made me wonder if I'm reading incorrectly. Why do you have shame for something that was done to you? Stand tall and proud that you overcame. Why would you not deserve his taking some weight from you? You are obviously a very dedicated and loving wife and mother who cherishes her family. And as for repaying him, I bet all he wants is for you to feel safe, whole and loved; something that he seems to provide in more ways than one. Letting go of the past is so hard but you two have something very special that will carry you through. Amy

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    1. Amy, it's not shame for what was done to me, it's for what it has made me. That's just how I feel, it's not necessarily what really is, does that make sense? I might deserve the help, but I don't like that I come with weight, he did not create this "mess" and I feel like...isn't it enough that one person carries it? I just gotta get over it. lol.
      I'm proud that I survived, I could have easily turned out to be something else.

      He has told me countless times, he just wants me happy. You're right, he also wants me to feel safe--he is a provider and protector and he takes that job very seriously.

      Thank you, Amy, you are so nice.

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  5. This is a lovely post Misty. You have overcome much and come so far. Amy said it perfectly :) I'm so glad you have found someone who truly understands.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Thanks, Roz. I feel like I've made so much progress in the last three years (thank you for noticing), it's amazing and it feels good to be where I'm at!

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  6. Love is shared burdens.
    But shame? That's not yours.
    *hugs*

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    1. Bleue, I hope one of these days it won't feel like shame...I'll work on that. :)

      I am thrilled to see you've gone public again. How does it feel? I'll be over there later today.

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    2. You know, I think one of the biggest lies ever sold is the one that says, we are supposed to do all of this alone. And its total bull but so many of us buy into it.
      Thanks!
      Liberating and terrifying :-)

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  7. As heart wrenching as the thoughts of what created those holes.....there is an even stronger pull to the love that has partnered with you to fill them back in. It's very difficult to feel that what you are offering is broken or weighted with need....but here's the thing....we all have imperfections.....holes to be filled. And, I am going to guess that you love him too, NOT in spite of his flaws, but as a whole package. You would love away his pain without question.....that is what matters.

    Love and hugs to you my friend for an amazingly beautiful post.

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    1. Pearl, I do love all of him. I don't even see them as flaws (that changed a long time ago), it's part of his package, and I wouldn't want him any other way.
      It's different when turned the other way. Well, it feels different anyway. I think you understand that.

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    2. I do.

      My Man and I have had the lucky fortune to not be knocked down in the mud at the same time....when one is hurting the other is strong. I see my blogging friendships in the same light.

      I have felt my own version of your pain.....my heart felt as though it would stop dead the first time I said out loud how sad I felt that my Man loved someone so broken. How, although I thought no one could possibly love him more than I do, he was deserving of a wife less......me. You don't know this....but that was the exact time (last year) when you reached out to me via email. You offered your friendship.

      There is a natural give and take to relationships......sometimes we just can't see past what we have needed to take to see all that we truly have given, and will continue to give without question or condition.

      This conversation, and post, has really got my heart in a good spot. Thank you!

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    3. Pearl, you have me at a loss for words. I...thank you, so much! And that doesn't even begin to cover it.

      There is a natural give and take, isn't there? I've had friendships where I gave and didn't get anything back, I've also been the one to take and not give (sadly), those relationships were dust in the wind before they even began.

      You given me something to think about...

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  8. I know how you feel Misty, beautiful post!

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    1. Daisy, I'm so thankful to be around people that understand.

      Thank you!

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  9. You know years ago I was watching a tv show ( just for shits 'n giggles I'll say Oprah) and someone on the show basically said, " Your life partner doesn't complete you (ie is your other half) they hold the key that unlocks the door to all of you". I like that much better. Think of your husband as the man who throws open that door, rips open the curtains, pulls up the blind, whatever...and lets light shine through those holes. I am a firm believer that those holes, no matter how horrible, can bring us to a better understanding and empathy for the world at large. I choose to believe that because the alternative is just too awful. If you visualize light beaming out through those holes because your husband has unlocked your door, how on earth can you see yourself as a burden? ( Okay I'm still a work in progress when it comes to this too...but just go with it :D ).

    I'll add to what Pearl started, and throw in the thought that in our lives there are countless doors that need to be unlocked. Smaller ones that perhaps our partners have encountered, and new ones may pop up, but that is where friends come in. Some are only around for a little while to unlock a door, others a life time. All play a huge part in our discovery, if we allow them too. Allowing them too is where it is up to one's self.

    So you see while others help open ourselves up, it is still ultimately up to us if we allow them to turn the key they possess. Clearly you have allowed your husband and others to do so. No burden there lady!

    "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”


    ― Anaïs Nin


    willie

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    1. willie, it's a burden because he has to turn the key? (Yeah, that sounds ridiculous to me too.)

      I think this is a great way to look at it, it's just...hard to accept. I know you understand that. It helps to hear it voiced in a different way than I hear it in my head, thank you for that.

      I know you know how I feel about making friends...I love that quote!

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  10. I just have to comment on willie's response. You so often amaze me at your well thought out responses...and this one blew me aware. I wish we could keep your responses all in one place so we could reference them when necessary. Thank You for your well thought out words, they help so many of us to look at things in a new way, such a good thing.
    hugs abby

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    1. You are far too generous and kind with your compliments where I am concerned abby. I really don't 'think' so much as just feel and write, so I am not sure my responses are actually well thought out as much as they are just reactionary. If that makes any sense whatsoever ? LOL.

      willie

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    2. It does, because if I think about it that is what attracts me to your responses! hugs abby

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  11. I love Wilma's comment regarding hubby ripping open the door. It made me think of a Fetlife writing (which I sadly did not save) that was about how the Japanese repair cracked/broken crockery with gold, to show that there is history and beauty in you.

    Kintsugi (Japanese: golden joinery) or Kintsukuroi (Japanese: golden repair) Defined as "to repair with gold", is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum, a method similar to the maki-e technique. As a philosophy it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kintsugi

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    1. E's Sub, I've seen those, aren't they beautiful?! I absolutely love the idea.

      Have you heard of sea glass? Glass gets thrown in the ocean and over many years it's sanded down, and comes out as beautifully colored pebbles. So, first the glass must be broken, then ocean takes these ragged, sharp, unusable, broken and ugly pieces of glass and transforms them into something remarkable and worth cherishing.

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    2. You reminded me of my mom..she would walk the beach early in the morning looking for sea glass...she eventually had bracelets made for my sister and I. A few weeks ago when I was at the ocean with the grands we were looking for shells..and I found a lovely piece of sea glass for each them...knew my mom was with us. hugs abby

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    3. abby, that is so special! The bracelets and that you found some with your grands.

      I heard about them from a lady at my gym, we'll call her M, she went to Hawaii after she was attacked by a man while running... A woman there told her about the journey (sorry willie. lol) these pieces of glass took to end up where they were, M saw herself in those pebbles and so do I. :)

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