Thursday, August 25, 2016

The Way It Is

I told myself I wouldn't come here again to do this. *sigh*

I'm tired of coming here, every fucking month, to write about how I'm struggling.
I'm tired of wanting more and hating myself for it.
I'm just fucking tired.


"More" is off the table. We are just bedroom players now.

My soul can't handle it anymore.

Because I'm the s-side I have felt like I should adjust to his D-side...that's kind of our place, right? Walk the path he gives, make his expectations yours, etc., etc..

Well, he has given me a path to walk and I've given it my best for three years and six days. His path is a nice one, that should work (I'm sure it would work for many), but I've found that I can't force myself to be something I'm not. And he can't force himself to be something he's not.

It is what it is and we are what we are.


  1. This is sometimes the best solution, Misty.

    Having been through both situations... where lifestyle dynamics have been maintained and situations where they struggled to be maintained, the latter can hurt in just the right way that it tears you apart inside.

    In those times giving it limits like in the bedroom can do a lot to protect yourself from that negative spiral that hurts in a way that's difficult to understand unless you've been through it.

    Hopefully having more defined boundaries will help you guard yourself when you need to rather than just be struggling with needs that won't be met.

    Take care.

    1. fur, he doesn't have a better solution, so I feel like this is the best way to turn.

      I know it may seem like I'm giving up, but I really am just protecting myself, like you say. I also think it will take some pressure off of him.

    2. Only time will tell, Misty but it should alleviate a lot of the pressure in the short run. I know it was a great relief for me when we chose that option as well. It solved a lot of bad feelings that were going on.

  2. Please don't think my flippant with this question, okay? Are you hormonal? I ask with all respect. I found the first few years of ttwd, I felt and saw things differently not always every month, but it was a trend.

    That aside, I am not going to tell you this is for the best, because you and I both know it isn't. I know it is frustrating. I know it hurts, but you know who you are. Sometimes our own worst enemy lies between our ears. Stop telling yourself you are protecting yourself. You aren't. You are suppressing yourself. And stop thinking about the pressure he is under, remember he said that. Nothing kills a person's confidence than 'helping' them *by stopping* when maybe they don't need it.

    You know, most of us struggle. At least most of us with other people in our house. The pain can be unbearable at times. Trust me I know. What is also scary is how we seem to stumble and repeat by ruminating in our minds. Don't do that. Go back and read last week's posts. Cherish that feeling. Nurture that feeling again. It will bring you back as it has countless times before.

    In your life you have overcome so many things, that many people couldn't even begin to comprehend. THIS, this is not only for you it IS you. Trust your core, your little voice inside, no matter how quiet she is right now. Trust your husband. Because once you have open Pandora's box, you can't successfully close it, at least without serious damage.

    Okay enough of the pep talk and down to the nitty answer your to all of them. You communicate your needs to him. If the path doesn't fit, together you talk and see if you can follow him on a different path. But guess what? Sometimes even a leader needs pointers. I know it seems contradictory, but sometimes in a growth process, you need to TELL him what you think would work for you. Tell him what did that day. Five minutes a day to review your day. You aren't driving, you are showing direction....eventually he will grow in a way that is for both of you. It isn't easy and feels VERY awkward at times, but it does/can work. Work together to achieve an end goal, where eventually both feel fulfilled and secure.

    You know where I am
    ( I've been there)


    1. willie, these days I'm always hormonal. ;) Kidding. This isn't hormones.

      I am suppressing me but it is for the best, at least for now.

      I have asked and asked, willie. I have explained what it does to me when we aren't active. I have told him things I want and things I need, time and time again, in different ways. I have given him ideas, shared blog posts and emails. I have tried to get him to talk to me, to tell me what he wants. I have tried to get him to work with me, to find a solution. I have begged and cried. It has done no good, we are having the same problems we had in the beginning.

      He is stuck in a spot I can't get him out of. I have no clue where that spot is 'cause he won't talk. He can't even tell me why he keeps trying. He won't listen to me, he changes my words around. He won't seek solutions on his own. He told me that nothing he does seems to work/help and that I'm difficult.

      I was too much to handle in my younger years and apparently that hasn't changed.

      The good times are not enough to carry me through the bad. I smash head first into the ground, he is there to hug and love me, but...he cuts off all things D/s, even though I have explained what it does to me. I'm left stranded wondering what I did wrong and hating myself (really, really hating myself) because I'm not what I 'should' be.

      Continuing on this way is more damaging to me.

    2. Can I say I get it? Really and truly we have been there, and I feel at times the threat is very real that we could be one misplaced step away from it again. Often I have felt like I have run full tilt into a brick wall, over and over again. Every once and a while a brick will come loose and I can see wide open fields beyond it, and long to be there. The path through the wall seems so 'simple' to me, yet Barney is still looking at the GPS to get around it, or in my mind sitting there thinking there is no way around it. Either way it hurts.

      I also truly understand the twisting of words in his mind, and even wondering if ttwd had actually hurt our relationship not helped it in the long run. It is a mortifying feeling. What I am gathering from your reading, and perhaps where we currently might differ is how we view ourselves, though I do understand and can relate to where you are now, through my own personal (hell) experiences.

      That being said, I will not encourage you to move in a direction you feel you cannot at the moment. I will leave you with this though, stay 'here'. It doesn't matter if next week you decide to give it a go again. Don't feel like you can't come here and say, " we have discussed this and...". OR if tomorrow you need to come here and say, " I miss my life" ( a post I myself wrote a year ago). There will always be support here, remember that.


    3. Thank you, willie, I really mean that.

      Of course you can say you get it, I know you do. I have been seeing it as a steel wall.

      You know, it might be different if he met me half way...

      I say, I want him to have what he wants, and he hears I want him to change...what the eff am I supposed to do with that?!

      I do want to leave. I want to take the pages from here and burn them, but that's just me being irrational. I will stick it out and write when I can. Thank you so much for wanting me to be here!

  3. Just sending huge ((Hugs)) Misty. We went to zilch for a long time and are now back to bedroom only occasionally.


  4. Misty,
    There is just no happy medium sometimes. We work harder only to feel like we have dug ourselves deeper. I can hear the sadness and resignation in your words. Your story is so far from over- don't lose sight of that. This is not a replay of you not being enough. Be KIND to yourself!

    If I have learned anything about you these past few years it is that you are often the last person to cut yourself a break. The ups and downs are maddening, no doubt, but don't let your decisions be based on what you perceive as a lacking on your part. I'm here for matter if that means a re-hashing of old demons and insecurities or a fresh start at a familiar lifestyle. Just keep writing (even if you don't post it!).

    Love and a big hug to you my friend.
    XOXO Pearl

    1. Pearl, you are so awesome, thank you so much.

      This is me being kind to myself. :(

  5. i wish i had some good, wise words but i don't. i understand what it feels like to be in a completely different place than the One you ADORE, what it feels like to need MORE. and it's so hard to communicate that when you're the one who is the slave. or when you can and there's no happy medium. Could you two go talk to someone professionally who specializes in BDSM relationships? i have but to ask Master to speak freely when i feel the need (such as times like these) and He will listen when He's ready and He will either talk it out with me or He will figure something out. i hope He's not shutting down. i love your blog and i love when people are honest about the good times and the bad and all the in between because that's reality. Lots of love and hugs and i hope you get the more you desperately need.

    1. slave tami, thank you for taking the time to comment. I really do appreciate it.

      He won't talk to me, he will listen to what I say and offers very little back. I hear a lot of "I don't know". He won't tell me what he wants, aside from he wants me to be happy. I *feel like* he doesn't want to figure it out and he doesn't take this seriously.

      I do make an effort to keep it real, thank you for noticing. :)

  6. I am going to channel my mom...the advice that used to make me roll my eyes seems to be much more worth while as I grow older...and EGADS...hear myself repeating. Be good, be kind to yourself. Sometimes we have to let it go (to quote Disney) in order to be able to breathe again and look around us and see the blessings. Do somethings just for you...I am one of the lucky ones...Master gets it, sometimes too much. LOL.
    But before Master...I was in a place where my needs did not matter....and I will never forget how that made me fee...I know that is not where you are, but just know you are not alone. hugs abby

    1. abby, your mom sounds like a wise woman. I'm doing what I can to feel good about me.

      I'm so glad you found Master, you deserve him and he you.

      My needs do matter to him, it's just not enough, ya' know?

    2. Um, not to be picky or anything , but " Dark Dreams' doesn't sound like you are being kind to yourself. Your needs are not least not where the rest of us are concerned...<3

    3. *shrugs shoulders* It was the first thing I came up with. :)

  7. Aww Misty moo I'm sorry, I thought I would put that to see if you giggle. He's frustrating me and he isn't my partner! You can't just go " I don't know" with something that is so core and apart of you. He says he wants you to be happy but he says I don't know to your questions. That's not going to make you happy. I am confussed because I was so impressed with him. Sounds like he hasn't got confidence?
    I mean is this a make or break situation? Would you leave to find a Dom? Would that wake him up from blazay comments like I don't know?
    I'm not being mean just making you think

    1. Daisy, it is very frustrating.

      I should probably say that I'm not the best communicator either, though I have been able to be more open about what I want. We're both to blame.

      He has had some very impressive moments, it's just...I think the things I want/need aren't on his list of wants. And I think he might be afraid to tell me that.

      No, this isn't a deal breaker. He's more important to me than any kind of power exchange relationship, he is my everything. He stuck with me for 12 years (before we started D/s) when most men would have left.


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