Saturday, September 10, 2016

Guilt

I haven't taken away anything that was there before. What I have taken away is the, "maybe this time it will be different."

There is no "this time" now.

I still want it. That will not change. Not ever.

Part of the problem is that I put pressure on myself to get everything right, all the time. Anything less than, makes me feel pretty bad, and I have no where to put that guilt. It just piles up until I can't see past it.

I screwed up so much when I was a kid, and people made me feel bad for it, like it was all my fault. You know, because a thirteen year old should know better...
I couldn't focus on school or doing the right thing because I was too busy trying to survive. I survived by numbing myself with drugs. All of those times weigh on me.

Presently, I put a lot into being honest, doing the right thing, getting it right, and giving my all.
It's still not enough.

I know where I go wrong. I know when I screw up. I'm not a fucking idiot.

I have no where to put my guilt and I have no solution to...get better. It's a perfect recipe for disaster.

I do the best I can on my own, just like I always have. Yes, that best sucks, but I know I can be more, I just need something or someone to be more for. I just fucking do.

As far as I'm concerned, if rules are not going to be enforced, than they shouldn't be there.

Rules and requests are two different things, by the way.

If he requests I shave at least every other day, that's awesome, I can do that, just trust that I will do my best and let it go when I don't.

If it is a rule, that I need shave every other day, than I need it to be enforce. If I don't get it done, I need a way to pay for my mistake. And it doesn't work if it's just a threat...threatening without following through will always send me to a really bad place. 

I already want to be perfect for him, I want him to be pleased with me all the time. I don't need the fear of punishment to do what he asks or to do it well. 

It's hard to do much of anything when you use most of your strength carrying guilt. I need consequences in place so I can let mistakes go.

I'm not proud of this.




15 comments:

  1. It sounds like you are too hard on yourself. Is the problem with you...or really with others. I'm betting it's really with others. Example you say he wants you to shave every other day but if you mess us there is no correction. That sounds like his problem. Talk to him tell him how you feel and if he does not change that is your answer he is the problem. None of us are perfect as he is not perfect. give yourself a break.
    archedone

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. archedone, thank you. I try to give myself a break.

      It kinda is my problem though. It's not his fault I didn't get it done and that I'm good at holding onto guilt.
      I will say, it is his fault when he threatens but doesn't follow through. It is horrible on so many levels (I've told him this) and I just can't handle it.

      I have talked to him, but until recently I haven't been able to explain why I want punishments. I only knew they made me feel better.

      Thanks for the comment. :)

      Delete
    2. His threatening and not following through is a broken promise. Regardless of how you view yourself, your relationship etc...that is a fact. I dare you to find anyone vanilla or otherwise who 'likes' that on any level. Perhaps that is also why you feel the guilt. You broke your promise to him, to yourself. The punishment puts it behind everyone.

      Delete
    3. willie, yes, the punishment puts it behind us and it stops the guilt from evolving into more.


      Delete
  2. Oh sweetie, first HUGS....I am not sure what to say. I was once told rules are made to be broken..(think it was a smart assed student)...but the reality is most rules are broken, at least once...you are human. I understand the need for accountability when breaking a rule, otherwise why have it.
    As for your guilt, that is a heavy load to live with. You need to find a way to release that...ideally a consequence for your action, coming from Him. But, maybe you could write a letter of apology admitting what you have done and apologizing. You can either tear up the letter or hand it over...either way, with that letter you stop feeling guilty.
    hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. abby, I'm not sure what I would say to me either. :)

      There are many exceptions and I am flexible, to a point. A mistake here and there, I can handle, but those little mistakes pile up. They pile up quicker when we aren't as active and my mindset isn't where I'd like it to be. This has a lot to do with the damage that was done to me when I was young. It's a vicious cycle. I make mistakes, I get upset at him, then I feel horrible for getting upset at him, I direct the hurt and blame on myself (because if I wasn't so fucked up this wouldn't be a problem) and it takes off from there. Sometimes I skip getting upset at him and move right on to me, which makes it "better."

      The letter is a good idea, maybe just writing them down would help...

      Thank you, abby

      Delete
  3. Yah, the whole, "I will do xyz" and not following through, sucks. That's on him.

    In our relationship, I treated all requests as "rules". If he said it, I did it. Which is also why it was sucky suck when He didn't keep his word because I couldn't help but to do whatever it was that was requested (took us so very long to get to that place).

    It sounds like neither you or him is clear on expectations. If he doesn't want punishment, is there another way you can address the need without them? (A maintenance night, more funishments or play)..

    You are getting somewhere, promise. *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bleue, well, if I could do everything he wants, without fail, I wouldn't have a problem. :) I do my best, request or rule.

      I've mentioned other ways, the rest is up to him.

      Delete
  4. Hi Misty, firstly, sending you huge (((hugs))). Some wise words above and I agree, lack of follow through sucks, not to mention it causes confusion around rules and expectations...for both parties.

    ((Hugs))
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Roz, when I'm in a good mind space, it doesn't bother me as much.

      Thanks for the hugs.

      Delete
  5. I think it's great that you're working through your difficulties here, figuring out what you need. That's a good thing. Keep at it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, His slut. It's not easy.

      Delete
  6. I think a lot of people, myself included are much harder on themselves than others when it comes to failure. I am guilty and miserable when I fail.

    I also need my Sir to be consistent and follow through. If you say you're going to do something, do it. Otherwise, it is like Wilma said, a broken promise. To me, it is a lack of trust. I don't trust that you are going to do what you said you will. I therefore believe that what you say you want isn't really all that important.

    You must Inspect what you Expect and there must be consequences for when things go awry. The only way it will work. I am not usually self-motivated.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Inspect what you Expect... I LOVE IT!

      You know I was thinking the other night, in my case anyway, failure to act on my husband's part to my submission, not my failure during this line of thinking, is the equivalent to opening the door for someone and them not saying anything. I open the door, because I want to, not really thinking about a response~ UNTIL I don't get one. Initially I feel annoyed, but sometimes I feel disheartened.

      Delete
    2. Lea, yes! It says that what he wants isn't all that important. Then, for me, it turns into D/s isn't all that important to him, like he doesn't take it as seriously as I do, which makes me dislike myself for taking it so seriously.

      Expecting stuff gets me in trouble, I will inspect what I want. ;) If he doesn't want consequences/punishment, I can deal, I just need to know it's off the table.

      I would hug you if you were here...thank you for saying you're not usually self-motivated.


      willie, hmmmm, I guess it depends on the situation but, I usually think about what kind of response I'm going to get. When nothing happens I feel crushed. When I'm in a bad place mentally and nothing happens, I feel like my world is falling apart. I know that's extreme and in the moment I know it's an overreaction, but I can't stop it from happening.

      Delete

I like views, but I love comments, so... say something, would ya'?