Wednesday, September 28, 2016

I think when someone is interested in something, they want to learn more about it and they actually make an effort to learn about said interest...because they are interested in it.

He has not made moves to learn what goes on past the surface of D/s.
He says he wants to learn, but he's too busy. There's more important stuff to do, like watching sports and playing a game (Yes, I'm hurting). I know there's the business and loads of work that comes with having a house and kids, but I have that shit too, and I've managed to make time.

I've told him countless times what I think would help and why. I've told him my view...this is not fucking babysitting (FYI, I am an adult). He listens to me, but nothing comes of it.

The fact that I feel this way - that I'm hurt and angry, and I just want to be worth the fucking effort - makes me feel even worse. Like I'm the worst (imaginary) slave, ever.

He can watch his sports and play his game, and do whatever the fuck he wants to do, I want him to have that.

I can't help but feel neglected though.
I can't stop how I feel.
I can't stop wanting what I want.

The rule, that I'm not allowed to tell him no, was total bullshit. Like I knew it would be and hoped it wouldn't be.

I'm pretty sure he's given up on me.

28 comments:

  1. I hear you. I'm sorry you are hurting. Its so hard when it feels like we are on opposing sides with our partner.

    I want to learn all the things...I want to complete an English List Degree but I don't have the time. Or the funds to do that.
    Its not because I lack ambition, its not because its not important enough to me to make it a priority its just because all the other things require my immediate attention and resources.

    So I broke it down. I found a free online course. This course had minimal time commitment and it covered a section of lit that I was really interested in. Delivered to me via email.

    So I could fit into my schedule.

    Maybe he isn't sure what you are asking for? Maybe he needs a way to learn that fits into his sports and his games and the work and the kids.
    Can you make it easier on him? Can you direct his attention to the below the surface parts that you feel you need? Send him links to blog posts, articles, etc? Videos or find a Dom to chat to if that would help?

    The babysitting remark keeps coming up a lot.
    Maybe that is his fear? That you will feel like you are being babysat if he does this and he sees you as independent and strong? And he doesn't want to loose the you he does have?

    Why was the rule that you can't say 'no' bullshit? Did he implement it, at your request? Did you explain why you want that rule? (I have that rule and its awful btw) Are you maybe, topping from the bottom instead of allowing him to come to his own realizations through your behaviour and actions, through experiences?

    He hasn't given up on you. He's listening. It sounds like maybe, you are both overwhelmed. He seems to be overwhelmed and maybe a little lost with what you are asking and you are overwhelmed by not having it right this second.

    This is tough. *hugs*

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  2. Bleue, see, you found a way to work towards what you want despite all that you have on your plate.

    I don't know what he's thinking because he won't tell me. I ask questions and he says "I don't know."

    I've sent him numerous links.

    It was his rule. Another that clearly doesn't matter to him.

    Maybe I am topping from the bottom. I don't fucking know. I don't think I am.

    I'm lost and lonely. And I really, really think he's given up.

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  3. Okay, yes but that`s because I have practice at it--so much practice at overcoming the impossible-lol! And I clearly knew what I wanted, that helps.

    That Ì don`t know`answer is so hard to deal with!

    I think as long as you are talking and he is listening, no one has given up.

    Huge hugs.

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    1. Bleue, I need a response or something...something to tell me I'm not as fucked up as I feel.

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    2. Oh, I hear that!
      Hang in there. You will work this out.

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  4. Hi Misty
    D/s with kids is always challenging. Could you book a hotel away from the kids to see if he can be Dominant away from the kids or if he just isn't into it even when your away from the kids?

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    1. Daisy, I night without kids...one can dream. :)

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  5. This is going to be in two parts because I like to hear myself talk apparently ;)

    Misty I don't have any answers, all I can do is offer you hope. In a few short days it will be 4 years to the day that I asked Barney for Dd. It of course has morphed to something I didn't even know existed at the time.

    Things were 'fine' in the Dd realm for a couple of years, yet things felt off in their own way. The introduction of what many call D/s became the newer focus. The difference,for us anyway, is Dd is reactionary, and D/s is that BUT also preventative. Barney struggled with that part. I too begged him to read, talk to others ( we have a friend who is a Dom, and a creative one at that), I also said I was jealous of the leaky kitchen faucet because at least he googled on how to fix it. The thing is men are different. I wish they weren't but they are. Asking and seeking advice is difficult enough in daily life for them, but when it comes to D/s it is like they believe they should just "KNOW". After all we are their wives, how can they not just KNOW right?

    What further complicates things is past failures. Even today Barney brought up something from MONTHS ago, something I long forgot about and thought he had changed his ways since then. A friend's husband once said " The thing about men is, they are always afraid that the others in the room are going to discover they are a fraud", and it doesn't matter even if they are the CEO. I asked Barney if he felt that way, " all the time". The point is, they have issues too. Their issues seem to manifest themselves in ways we don't comprehend, or even resemble an ego/pride issue. I know once Barney was afraid of what was next. What if he did xyz...how does he top that the next time? Does he need to? Does he repeat it? IS he being dismissive of what worked if he doesn't repeat it? Does it appear he is coasting if he does?

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  6. Okay so now the hope part...he has changed. Rather he hasn't changed he has come into his own. He isn't afraid of failure anymore. This took a HELL of a long time. It also took a HELL of a lot of determination on MY part. I had to start by asking him open ended questions. I had to talk to others and see what snags they encountered, as in Doms and what that meant emotionally. I would then ask Barney if he thought maybe these things applied to him. I also had to change my view on 'topping'. I was offering him intel when I would tell him what worked and why, or reword what didn't work and why at that time it might not have. I had basically stop his spinning world even though mine was spinning too.

    Is he as creative as he once was in fleeting moments from the past? Not currently, though occasionally he is. He is however very sure footed. I hoped he was in the past but it wasn't the same.I wanted him to be therefore I saw that, I think. The other day in bed, he pulled my hair back and said, "do you understand?". I didn't swoon or get butterflies, but I did feel a sense of relief, because this felt real. But it didn't happen overnight. Maybe for some it does. Maybe for others it takes 4 years. 5 years.

    What I do know is I came to realize who I was privately. I grew more once ttwd took place but the discovery of who I was to a large degree happened before I went to him. He on the other hand has had to come to grips with who he is 'under a microscope'~that isn't an easy task. His every move scrutinized because he was in charge, and his actions caused my reactions. How does one grow quickly when you are afraid to make a mistake?

    Give him time, and help him. Ask him what you can do to help him. If he says he doesn't know, then ask him again a different way. Ask him "IF I do this...will that help?" If that doesn't work, try a different way again. As I said to a friend last week, 'what choice do you have?" This is who you are, or a large part of it. What choice do you have to not keep trying? The answer? You don't have any other choice. You will find a way for both of you. It can be done. We are proof. Not that we don't fall flat on our faces still. LOl

    willie

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    1. willie, he will not talk to me. I'm not persistent when it comes down to it-- 'cause if he doesn't want to talk, I'm not going to push him.
      I know he has issues too, I'm so understanding of that. Truly, I am.
      I'd rather be making a lot of mistakes than doing nothing at all, at least you're learning what not to do, right? I can't D/s on my own though.

      I'm really emotional right now. On the edge of a great depression...please excuse my lack of response to your much appreciated words.

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  7. My timing is awful...seems I am always following Wilma...and she says it all so well.
    Maybe it is time to go back and begin again. Sit and talk, and see if you can both start fresh with D/s or whatever you both want. Baby steps, starting over one step at a time...then once a week, you both sit and talk..or write a note to each other...about what was good and not so good about the week. Then decide if you want to add something else for the next week...Sounds like a lot of work and I know you are both very busy...but time is the best gift of all.
    hugs abby

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    1. abby, that sounds like a wonderful idea.

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  8. misty,
    Each of these ladies knows their shit.....and I am going to guess it is because of the many times they too felt flat on their faces. Actually, no. It wasn't the falls specifically. It was the tenacity to get back up.

    Every.
    Damn.
    Time.

    You understand that- I am positive of that. You get back up and go after it again. Every time. Yes, it's exhausting, it's lonely, it is intimidating, and some days it feels endless. I remember writing about when my Man and I just didn't get it. We were off. When I told him that his lack of give a shit made me feel alone, like I was floundering, his reply was "Mmmmm, I like flounder". I have brought that up many times in blogging here. Not because I am holding on to it, throwing it in his face but because that hurt.....deep down, agonizing....no give a shit AND making fun of my pain. This is a good Man misty, a good guy who said and did the wrong fricken thing when I needed him to NOT get it wrong. But, he did.

    At some point along the way, he mentioned that he isn't the guy in the stories I read. He felt like I had my own idea in my head on how he needed to do all "this". Ouch. I would love to say it wasn't true, that I was easy going (but you have read my blog and you know me!!! So I can't lie here.)!! Willie's friend is onto something.......my Man was tired of feeling like he was screwing it up. I won't even bother calling it topping from the bottom, it doesn't need a D/s name, I just knew that I did have an idea in my head on how this would go......and when it didn't.........I kind of crumbled. In my situation, I realized that a large part was me sabotaging what could be. It burns as I type it, even now.

    Everything isn't perfect. We still fall......I still fall. But, I try to learn from it and get back up. And when I can't, I find my friends who will remind me how. You can work through this Misty, keep trusting, keep trying.

    XOXO Pearl

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  9. And when all those words aren't working.......I am sending you a big hug.

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  10. "Mmmmm, I like flounder".... This is a good Man misty, a good guy who said and did the wrong fricken thing when I needed him to NOT get it wrong. But, he did. "

    Pearl I get this. I so get this, especially the last part. What *is* important to point out here is your pain, despite your pain and your fear that the response will be similar and thus WORSE because he did it again, you continued. Your stubborness, for lack of a better term or not, brought you and him to a place where he could not only admit but SEE that he did the wrong thing. It has taken us a long time, where I felt I had banged my head against a wall for so long, before this started to happen.

    Again Misty, our comments aren't in judgment, but hopefully will be seen as inspiring. The pain you are feeling is very much real. No one is going to fault you for that. No one is also going to fault you for being tired, insecure, and feeling alone. As Pearl said most of us have been there. But you aren't alone, alone. We are here to help you up, spur you on and tell you to get back in that 'ring'.

    Like you said mistakes mean you are learning. Make sure your husband knows it is really OKAY to make mistakes and then prove it to him when he does. I have faith in both of you...it is scary but it can be done.

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    1. Pearl and willie,

      My reserves are empty. I need him to give me something, some kind of sign that he is with me and making a real effort. His silence puts me in a really awful place. Is it too much to ask for him to give me something to go on? He doesn't have to put in a lot, I can run off very little gas and it makes me feel good (when I'm in a good mental place) to put in more than him.

      This might be a one-way road, but there's two cars on this road. I'm not even puttering along anymore, I'm in neutral, with no driver, headed for a ditch.

      He can kick me when I'm down, he can make mistakes, he can not follow through, I will always get up and come back for more, it's who I am. But, I do need him to keep giving me something to get up for. I just do.





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  11. Hi Misty, well, I don't know what I can possibly add to the above. Hang in there!

    Hugs
    Roz

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  12. Hi Misty -
    I can not offer anything that hasn't been said already and more eloquently by the ladies above. I will offer you one piece of advice. Communication can sometimes seem like you are talking to yourself, but as long as you are still talking it is a good sign. When the communication stops is when the real problem comes up. The real issue is that we all communicate differently. Have you ever heard of the Love Languages? It is how we have different "languages" and the key is to know which our partner speaks.
    Hugs,
    Enzo

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    1. Enzo, so nice to see you here. :)

      It is my understanding that effective communication happens when both people are communicating. It hurts and it's frustrating when I get nothing back...it's hard to put myself in a vulnerable place when I know I won't get a response from him. I'm not blaming him but I can't change how it makes me feel.

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    2. Not saying you should change how you feel, I get it oh so very well. What I am getting at is keep trying; sometimes we need to hear things multiple times and in different ways before we understand it. Other times we may need it spelled out for us, letter by letter and slowly, what it is that you may need. Spell it out for him, but use small words with short term goals (i.e. i need you to say x to me every morning etc.
      I'm sorry you are in pain.
      Hugs,
      Enzo

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    3. Thank you very much, Enzo.

      I feel bad for feeling the way I do.

      I will keep trying.

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  13. DON'T ever feel bad about being honest about your feelings.

    Seldom is giving up better than continuing to try.

    Hugs,
    Enzo

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    1. Enzo, thank you, again.

      I will try not to feel bad.

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  14. Hi Misty.

    It is definitely rough to weather this out. If I have to read in to what is going on it is most likely that he gets stuck due to a mix of what he understands, what he hopes to understand, and his ability to cope with it.

    Men are trained to feel that appearing weak is pretty much the worst thing imaginable. With that in mind it is often difficult for them to communicate their fears and struggles. If he doesn't know how to face it, it is a common coping mechanism to... just look the other way. Sadly this rarely makes anything better.

    I believe that is at the root of much of this and it causes a bad cycle on his end as well. Instead of trying to understand and figure it out, each time getting better, the natural response is to bury it.

    All I can say is that the best you can do is to keep communicating in as many different ways as possible. Hopefully at some point it will either click or wear down his defenses to the point where positive two-way discussion can occur.

    Take care.

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  15. fur, well I can certainly understand wanting to bury it. :)

    I want to give him the space and time he needs, it's just, times like this play off my insecurities. I feel bad because I know it's not entirely his fault, even in the moment I can see why it gets to me and I still can't shake myself out of it. It is maddening.

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  16. You're no alone. I feel like this often. I don't know if that helps, but I hope it does.

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  17. Lea, it does help. Thank you. I'm sorry you know how it feels.

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