Sunday, September 4, 2016

I'm Hanging On Tight

I'm so close to crashing. It would be easy to fall off the edge and let darkness consume me, but I'm fighting it with all my strength. I refuse to give in.

Mostly, I feel numb or hazy, but the clawing in my chest stays to remind me...

I'm doing things that make me feel good. And I'm trying to keep a balance so I don't feel like I've neglected anything.

I'm also trying to figure out my limits. I need a line and if he can't draw one than I'm going to. (*sigh* This goes against what I want to be.)

 I thought it would be easy to separate bedroom from daily life, but I'm just not sure where one starts and the other ends.

Thinking on it a bit further, I know where that line is, I just don't know...what I can handle, ya' know?

I'm not going to stop making his coffee...

The other night, he came in late and wanted me to make him some food. I didn't because I was tired and the bed was so soft. I should've gotten up though...

Serving him makes me feel good, so I'm not going to stop.

Chores and the like... I will take care of it by myself. I don't want him to point out stuff that I'm not doing.

I can't do rules either.

Fuck, that makes me sad.

While he was gone, he had me put the plug in and send him a picture . The second night he told me to send him two pictures and to make them interesting. I sent four and did my best make them interesting, that felt really good. I even like the pictures.



6 comments:

  1. Hang in there Misty and hold onto those moments.

    ((hugs))
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Roz, trust me, I'm not letting the good moments go.

      Hug

      Delete
  2. " (*sigh* This goes against what I want to be.)" Then don't. Do what feeds your soul Misty. It isn't an easy balance, but I am telling you as scary as it is, listen to that little voice inside, even if she is just a whisper.

    Sometimes life throws something at us and at the time it is heartbreaking, but don't let those times be soul crushing. You worked so hard to know who you are, and while currently your dynamic is not what you want/need, don't let 'you' disappear. Even if you can't listen to that little voice through actions, continue to acknowledge that you still hear her.

    willie

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    Replies
    1. willie, but...I need a line.

      Right now, shes not whispering, she's screaming. She wants to be fed and she wants it NOW. I think, for the time being, caving into that is not a good idea. I think we need to straighten things out first, for it to be...a safe environment.

      We talked some more last night. Things are looking up, a little. :)

      Thank you. I so appreciate your encouragement to keep going.

      Delete
  3. Replies
    1. lil, it is SOOOOOOO wonderful to see you here.

      Hug

      Delete

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