Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Looking Through Mud

It's confusing, you know?!

One second, it's this problem, and the next it's another problem. Then I end up wondering if those problems are really problems or if they are a result of a bigger problem. Maybe it's not even a big problem. Maybe it's little problems that manifest with the other little problems.

I don't fucking know.

Communication is clearly a big problem. 
My guilt is a big problem.
I feel like he's not into this, and that's a big problem. 

I used to be easy going. It's unfair that I lost that, don't you think? It would be super useful now. 

It's hard talking about what I want and what I think I need because I don't want that to get in the way of what he wants...but he wants me to be happy...and what would make me happy is to do what he wants to do. 

I have a new rule, I'm not allowed to say no. 

And my plug schedule has changed.

And I get to wear my collar while the kids are at school. 

Yes, I have almost three hours a day without kids. I forgot what it was like. 


  1. First..Hurrah for pre-school and 3 hours just for you...well you and errands and housecleaning and getting caught up on all the things on your to do list. Save at least a little of that time just for you. That middle's hard talking about etc......sums it up. Bottom line you both want to make each other happy...sounds like He is stepping up a bit. Let him know how that feels, how it helps...positive reinforcement often works wonders.
    hugs abby

    1. abby, I told myself I wouldn't use that time to clean. Lol. I'm not sure it will always workout that way but it is my goal. :)

      I'm trying to be pleasant and show my appreciation. I have not told him how it helps, I will do that. Thank you.

  2. I whole heartily agree with abby! You have to let him know how things make you feel in a good way, and I will add why if you aren't already.It is a Rapunzel letting down her hair moment, and allowing him into your space. Going on the assumption that this might not being going on at the moment, it has a two fold effect. The first one is obvious, it helps him know when he has done something effective, the second one is less obvious, but possibly more effective, it brings you out into the open a bit. For me it humbles me to be open with what works. It makes me examine myself and putting a different form of vulnerability out there.

    As my bf constantly reminds steps


    1. willie, I see how that can be humbling.

      Okay, *deep breath* I can do this.

  3. Gotta talk. Gotta fling that heart out. Gotta put it all in his lap.

    You can. You are strong.

    1. Bleue, but...that's scary! And there's so many what if's.

      You're right though. I gotta do this.

    2. Fling that heart out...LOL>..but so true! And you know swallow that big lump in your throat ( I refer to mine as pride).


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