Wednesday, September 21, 2016

To Protect Thyself, Or To Not Protect Thyself?

I'm protective of myself. I think we all are, to a point. At one time I wasn't, then life happened, and at some point habit turned into instinct.

The worst part of it, the need to protect myself is stronger with people I care about and love. People that know my past. People that I should feel comfortable with. But, you see, those are the people that can hurt me the most...

It's not his fault. He is paying for it though.

I get incredibly insecure at times. It's like an unexpected hurricane that I don't know what to do with.

Little things turn into big things. As in, my world is crumbling, big things. But it's not really, it's the damn hurricane spinning my thoughts into something else.

Like when I find out he hasn't read my blog in a month, I want to go private so he can't read here, ever. Another way of saying, "fuck you, too." I know that is my protective instinct and insecurity lashing out. Obviously, I would only be hurting myself if I went private (especially if he isn't reading here anyway), but in the moment...hurricane.

I'm working on it. I'm working on recognizing it and inching my way through.

He let me sit as his feet a couple nights ago while we were watching a show, Hell on Wheels, on Netflix. I say he "let me" because it feels like a treat to be there when he tells me to, but I can sit on the floor anytime I'd like. He put the leash on me as well. Later that night, the clamps went on--they hurt so fucking bad and he wouldn't let me take them off. He pulled my hair so that my head was tilted back, which ends up pulling the clamps that are attached to my collar. I was sure I'd be half bald and short two nipples by the time we were done (I'm not, btw). And, he was slapping my pussy. All of this was going on at once and I could only feel him and pain, and life was good.

The next day, I was sitting there thinking of how great it felt to have those moments of...being me. And I knew he needed to know how I felt (because you've all told me this). So I had a choice, protect myself, or not.

I humbled myself and sent him a text (I am no where near saying that out loud!).

"Thank you for last night. I needed it."

His reply?

"Whore."

*grin and blush*


8 comments:

  1. Yay you! Baby steps, get you just as far and on a much more secure path than giant leaps. Trust me. Next time maybe you will add a little bit more to the text as in why. Or maybe you will text him this later, " I talked about you and your effect on me the other night. Here is what I said...

    "All of this was going on at once and I could only feel him and pain, and life was good.

    The next day, I was sitting there thinking of how great it felt to have those moments of...being me"

    You already know 'protecting ourselves from the ones we love' is not protecting at all. It is surpressing, and denying. It is denying them the chance to show you and give you what you need. Sure it doesn't always work out that way, but it will NEVER work out that way if you don't take a baby step.

    Keep up the good work. Rome wasn't built in a day!

    willie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. willie, I'm still in a really weird spot, but it felt good to let him know I needed it. :)

      I think it's pretty clear that my head is a pretty confusing place and I don't always see clearly but...he has to put in too. Maybe he is putting in more than I see, I don't know. I need to SEE him to get out a chisel and hammer and help me break through. I can't do it without him.

      In the mean time, I will do what I can.

      Delete
  2. I always love reading Willie's replies, she says it all...I do not like commenting right after her...for the same reason. I had known Master for 7/8 years before I started blogging...and those early years were not pretty. I was in full I am not going to protect myself, whatever the cost. I know that anyone but Master would have smartened up and run far, far the other way. But He did not, and He never gave up...for which I will be eternally grateful for. So, I get where you are....it is not an easy road, but the rewards are pretty wonderful. Yes, there are times I start to go into 'quiet mode' as Master calls it...and He does not let it last long. You can do this...that first step is the hardest....
    hugs abby

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    Replies
    1. abby, I have the same deep appreciation you do. I'm surprised he didn't leave me a long time ago, many men would have.

      I feel like I keep taking the same first step over and over, but I'll keep it up...as long as it takes. :)

      Delete
  3. Yep.
    "Protecting" in this case, is pushing him away. He wants all of you.
    *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bleue, I'm trying not to push him away.

      Delete
  4. Hi Misty, I'm not sure what I can add to the wonderful comments above, I'm with Abby about commenting after Willie lol.

    Good on you! I agree, protecting yourself is pushing him away. Half bald and short two nipples lol.

    Hugs
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Roz, you don't have to add anything, seeing you here means a lot.

      Delete

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