Friday, October 28, 2016

Never Forgotten

It is still quite painful but, yesterday I only let a few tears escape. I caught them, sucked them up, pushed them down and refocused. It was an improvement that today will not have, perhaps tomorrow...

We're slipping back into what we once were, more friends than lovers. I don't think he's happy, however, I'm pretty sure he prefers it this way--I don't feel the same stressed out vibe he once gave off. He sees my pain, and I see him look away.

As for me, well...the real me goes back in the box. I'm packing her up and putting her in a safe, dark, climate controlled corner. I will peek in on her from time-to-time, just to let her know that I haven't forgotten and she's still special to me.

All is not lost though. I will self-improve and be the best mom I can be.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Since that night at the ballpark, I haven't wanted anyone else. Even now, when my heart is all battered and bruised, I just want him. I want his arms around me and the world to be just us...

He was right, I did want him to change. I thought we could change together and grow together--make a new and improved us.

I have grown these last few years. I have a better understanding of who I am and why I am, with that has come acceptance. I needed it, ya' know?

I think it might be better to accept that this can't be right now. We are still (kinda) young, hopefully we have a lot of time left...I know how time can evolve perspective...maybe this can happen in the future...

I'm not saying good-bye to the blog, in case you were wondering. I don't know how often I will use it, but it will be here, when I want it. Maybe I can figure out how to get my brain to do the fiction thing...

I can't read other blogs right now. I can't handle the good because they point out what I don't have--salt on a open wound kind of thing. I can't handle the bad because I absorb that shit and I have enough weight at the moment. I feel pretty horrible about this.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

A Mistaken Old Rock

I don't want to be the gem that sits on top a pedestal for admiration, roped off, lights illuminating facets, only touched by those the gem called upon. As beautiful as they are, as lucky as they are, full of worth and glory, that is not where I belong.

I am a precious stone mistaken for an old rock, not worth the dirt it sits on, passed over, stepped on and kicked around. A stone built sturdy and true by time and fire.

Oh, to be seen! I want to be seen!

A glimmer through the dirt, the right moment in time in which someone sees what could be...

No, they see what is.

A jewel that silently calls to be picked up, cleaned up, and thought upon.
A jewel that is to be softened with love, shaped by vision, and polished with want.
A jewel that wants to be what the finder needs, because they were the one that saw more than an old useless rock.

A diamond in the rough.

I want to be held in a pocket, kept safe and warm, close to my finder. Touched throughout the day, to be there when needed, always.

I want to be kicked around and stepped on, treated like I was made to be treated. Then, polished and set upon a shelf until called again.




Wednesday, October 5, 2016

A Step

I'm readjusting and taking on a new focus.

I still feel stranded, I can work through it though. I can. I am. I am trying.

I need to do things that make me feel...something other than what I feel.

I'm knitting. There's ideas and creative wheels turning. It's a good zone for me to be in.

I'm running, again. I stopped because it didn't seem important anymore. I was wrong, it is important. The burn in my legs, the air in my lungs, the sweat on my brow, and the satisfaction of finishing, it reminds me that I'm alive and capable. And I'm (kinda) strong.

Most important (and because I don't have time for more), I'm working on being pleasing and pleasuring him. It's not easy with this clawing in my chest, but I'm going to fucking do this, I'm going to be that, come hell or high water.

I can succeed here. I need to succeed.